We have been married for 16 years, it hasn't been great and we are currently separated. I hurt him during our marriage and he hurt me too. For the past 2.5 years I've done everything he asked me to fix our marriage, even quit my job. Since then everything's been hell and finally in January he left. I told him I wasn't going to make a decision to divorce until the end of the year after all it's been 16 years and 4 kids. Well today he decides to call me and tell me that he met somebody on Match.com and that he had sex with her. I was even ready to hang up the phone when he spurted out the fact that he had sex with her. And after that he won't even admit that he said it to hurt me, what hurts most is that he says he doesn't regret it. I could probably get over him doing that but that he doesn't regret it because he doesn't feel an emotional connection with me, if he doesn't care about me why tell me that then?
2007-03-18 11:28:25 · 23 answers · asked by indypuertorican 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Unfortunately some people say things that they have no business saying and they do know better and there is no explanation. I am in a similar situation (the mean cruelness).
Do you think that you have any chance to salvage the marriage? Does he think there is any chance?
As stupid and immature as it seams he more likely told you to gauge your feelings for him based on your reaction... geez it is complicated. And when he was with her he probably told himself 'she left me! So this is justified.' Now that I think about it, I bet that he felt guilty and the only thing to do would be to tell you. And so he thought he HAD to tell you even though it would hurt you.
But it is wreckless to guess what he was thinking but you could try to ask him about it if both of you are able to stay calm.
Can you go for communication therapy?
I think he is mean and cruel because he is giving the pain the relationship has caused him back to you. You understand that you have both done things wrong, the only way forward is to let go of all that happened in the past and commit to the future. Easier said than done.
I am sorry for your pain. Good luck.
2007-03-18 11:55:49 · answer #1 · answered by ithinkiatetoomuch 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Baby girl, it sounds like it is time to start over. It is going to be hard, but it sounds like you will be better off. Most of us are most cruel to the ones closest to us just because we take them for grantide and it is easy because we feel that our loved ones have to be there. It sounds like you are the only one who wants this relationship any more. One person can not carry a relationship by themselves. Don't allow him to hurt you don't answer the phone. Let the kids get it and if he wants to speak to you and does not want to be fair or have anything to say concerning the children don't listen HANG UP THE DANG PHONE. Stop waiting to see what he has to say. It sounds like he does not respect you so respect yourself enough to demand better treatment because as long as you have kids you will have contact so set the ground rules now. FYI, a man wants a woman who can hold her own financially and take care of the house. I say keep your money makin' job and split the dang housework between all parties that live there. I have two girls and a husband and I am not the maid I am not the only person who lives here and I am not doing all the cooking, cleaning etc etc. You have to delegate. Even a two year old can wipe down a kitchen table. Maybe not the best but that is how they learn. And do things for you not just what a man wants you to do. Now you have no job and no man(just being real, not trying to be mean). You have to love you and do what makes you happy and not always what makes other people happy. Take some time out to get to know you and figure out what you want. Take your time getting back into the dating thing no matter what he is doing. Rebound relationships are never good. And most of all Pray, God will see you through this, He has been with you all your life he is not going to leave you now. Good Luck!
2007-03-21 16:02:56 · answer #2 · answered by Shay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he was trying to hurt you. The two of you should really go to a marriage counselor. It would be a shame to just let go after 16 years and four kids.
Maybe the marriage is broke and can't be fixed, but surely it's worth having one last look at it with someone who's trained to go over the facts and doesn't have a personal stake in it.
It's hard to say if he REALLY met someone, or if he just said it to hurt you. I would advise you not to pursue the question any further, but make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and send him an email telling him you'd like for him to come to the appointment. He'll have a chance to say his bit.
Just for backup, I'd also make an appointment to talk to an attorney. In the event that it doesn't work out you need to protect the assets from the marriage so that you are treated fairly and your children get the support they deserve.
If you can't afford a marriage counselor, call around. Call the local mental health department, etc. and ask for referrals. Ask your family doctor or other counselor that you might know. There sometimes are sliding fees for people with less income to pay less.
Most attorneys will give an initial consultation for free. If there's a local hot-line for abused women, you might call them to ask about legal resources.
Good luck
2007-03-18 11:41:05 · answer #3 · answered by Annie D 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He doesn't have to be so mean. He's probably working through some conflicting emotions, just like you are. He doesn't have what it takes to make the relationship work, but doesn't want to let it go, either.
You've both hurt each other, and that's why you're seperated. You just have to know that it isn't a problem only with you. This just wasn't meant to be.
I hope everything works out for you.
2007-03-18 11:36:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry he hurt you by cheating with another after he wanted to make the marriage work and even asking you to quit your job. Just take his a$$ to the cleaners in a divorce for cheating and since he made you quit your job, I'd assume you'd have a good leg to stand on for spousal support. And he was telling you that to be hateful which is just wrong.
Mary in the tiny village of Onsted, Michigan
2007-03-18 11:34:35 · answer #5 · answered by maryannmccarthy2003 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He cares about you. Sometimes people have a mean and nasty way to show that they care. He's showing you by trying to make you jealous of a stupid action of his. If he didn't care, he would have minimal contact with you and only contact you when he needs to see the kids. What he did to you was horrible. He's wrong for what he did. You've been with him for a very long time and have children, so I know it's hard. All I can say is that things are hard sometimes and you just need to take it for what it is. As long as you do what you feel is best, you can't beat yourself up about anything.
I hope you feel better about things, it's rough, but karma will get him one day.
2007-03-18 11:37:50 · answer #6 · answered by confused soul 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just one piece of advice--everyone is so mean in here, that if you get mean answers, don't be surprised...they are unbelievably rude in this category, and I have no idea why.
In answer to your question, does it matter why he said or did it? Think about yourself and how it can affect you. You might find the other answers from a marriage therapist. Perhaps you could even go by yourself if he won't go, and see what you can do to better the situation for you. Take care of YOU.
2007-03-18 11:33:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A H's are like that, yeah they are.....
Mine did something similiar. Did not say he had sex, but that he was not interested in other women in a letter to me. Said he still thinks about me all the time, and still cares for me. All talk and no action. However, he's living with someone with hemmoraging blisters that's on probation. A real downgrade.
I changed my phone # which has helped me a lot.
Good luck. He probably did not have sex w/her. He just wanted to push your buttons. Tell him you are having sex with someone, and see what he says. What a jerk!
2007-03-18 11:43:33 · answer #8 · answered by Credit Expert 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
everything is great when you first meet someone but after the spell wears off reality sinks in. In time hes going to regret what he did and probably find out this lady isn't the one he really wants. I think if he wanted to fix your marriage he would been talking and being faithful to you I think you need to decide what you want and in time work things out with him for the kids meaning not fighting and working arrangements for him to see them. I also think you may want to find a friend to support you not meaning sex but you need someone there for you. I think you did alot for him and he didn't seem to care take you time and find someone special.
2007-03-18 11:40:39 · answer #9 · answered by wildrose 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So you would rather he lied to you? look Honesty does hurt. But at least he had the balls to say it.
So basically your happy living in ignorance?
Kudos to him for being honest and you need to accept the truth. He's telling you this because there is NO WAY he wants to make things work. He laid it all on the line.
It isn't just about YOU. Pull up your pants and deal with it. That's all. Life isn't always about sugar coating.
2007-03-18 11:39:06 · answer #10 · answered by SecretFriend 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋