My husband is getting worse by the day. He does not have a "normal" job he works here and there odd jobs for his "buddies" whenever he feels like it, he constantly has to be out of the house drinking with "buddies..again" and bowling etc..He has not contributed to a household chore or groceries for as long as we've been married. We never do anything with our kids together he is never home. He comes home from one excursion and then says he has to go somewhere else or with someone else. My kids and i eat supper alone nightly and I take them everywhere with me. I work full time so I foot the bill for most everything. What do you say to a man who is almost 40 but has the mind of a 16 year old? How do I make this work?
2007-03-18 10:16:05 · 24 answers · asked by Samantha 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Mine's 45yr. & still has'nt come to reality of prioritie's in our family either-he doe's work though, gotta give him that, but, I know what it's like to be alone, BUT He's here!! He drink's, I quit-6.5 months ago, Hard to put up w/ his c*** alot! I don't know how young or old you are ,but I'm 40yr. Been w/ him 21!!1st. of all, I'd lay down some kind rule about how much he leave's you w/ kid's & such- He should be involved sometime's!Mine eat's dinner in bedroom!! we eat w/out him, guess, I really don't know what to say, But that your not alone, believe me!!!!I don't know if they'll EVER grow up!! They do say, women mature faster than men- & I believe it!!!! wish I knew what to say really, 'cuz I could use the advise also!!!sad!!!
2007-03-18 10:33:36 · answer #1 · answered by mgle3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, for starters you have children "together" he should give you a break every now and again.. I love my children but sometimes I need a mental break..sounds like you have no you time..and that presents a problem also..
Have you even asked him to take the kids for a day? plan it in advance..
As for chores..ask him to do something simple like doing hislaundry..he will yes you to death I am sure...wait until the day comes where he has no clean clothing and when he wonders why say...you were suppose to do a load of your laundry..I though you too care of that..
I would also suggest to get a sitter and go along with him a few times...Just because it sounds like you two dont spend time together at all..or if you think that will cause an issue...make plans to go out and get a sitter..
You also need to tell him how you feel..not in the middle of a confrontation..not when you are upset either..some tend ot blurt out everything that has bothered them in the past and it comes out totally wrong..Relax...use the word feel instead of I want..
example..I feel alone and feel as though I dont have help with the kids. I would like you to spend at least one night a week home..is that ok with you?
do not say..I want you to spend time at home so you have to stay home one day a week...I am lonely..
When you demand it will make him upset like you are ordering him around
2007-03-18 11:41:16 · answer #2 · answered by giveu2tictacs 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds frustrating and annoying in the extreme.
It looks to me that you have a lot of questions to ask yourself. The first question is, do you love him enough to work this out?
The second question is, does he know that his lack of fiscal and lack of social contributions to the family is a problem for you and the kids?
There is a third question, can you handle the truth of the situation even if it is ugly?
You can't force your husband to hang around with you and the kids. You can't force him to get a real job. He has to make those decisions himself. Is he willing to lose you and the kids just to hang out w/ his buddies?
You guys have a lot of talking to do. I wish you luck. I know this is going to be hard to solve. I hope that he realizes how lucky to have your family. I hope he starts acting like a man, not just a sperm donor.
2007-03-18 10:29:40 · answer #3 · answered by krinkn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well as long as he has no concequences, as a sixteen year old, then he will remain doing the same thing. He must of been selfish when you first met him but all of a sudden it is noticable. This is a hard one to tackle. Sounds like you two have bumpy roads ahead should you stay with him and not seek professional counseling for at least yourself, if he doesnt want to participate in restoreing a soon to be doomed marriage and your self esteem.
2007-03-18 10:58:12 · answer #4 · answered by beachgirl90 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The way you talk and complain about your realtionship.. do you REALLY want to make it work ? I don't mean that as an insult.. but just an honest question. If it's that bad, why would you want it to continue in that fashion ?
Tell him to shape his act up, or ship his a** out !
try therapy, if he's not willing to try and work on things, then apparently they aren't that important to him ! You should take that as a cue, as hard as that is.
********Remind him, his children are going to grow up thinking this is how relationships work.. how would he feel if his daughter was being treated like this by some man ??*****
2007-03-18 10:25:28 · answer #5 · answered by Miss B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boot him out of the house for a few months. DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN until YOU are ready and make that at least three, preferably four months down the road. Make it VERY uncomfortable for him. If he still wants to come back, then he may understand the pain you have been going through. If not, ask yourself this question and then think about it; have you lost anything?
2007-03-18 10:21:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if your man has "not contributed to a household chore or groceries for as long as we've been married", you have enabled him to behave in this manner.
it will be difficult to get him to grow up, get a job and take care of his family responsibilities if he's always been allowed to "play" and slack off.
perhaps you could talk with him and tell him how you feel...and that you'd like to have some help taking care of the family and responsibilities.
if he doesn't listen and take the initiative to help, could you consider marriage counseling?
in the long run, i hope you do whatever it is which is best for you...
take care
2007-03-18 10:32:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOU can't make it work. He is going to have to make it work also. I really hate to tell you this but if he has always been this way,it is a great possibility he is never going to change. It is extremely hard.....if not impossible to make a person change if they aren't willing. Really, why would he want to if you are taking care of everything. He has got it made!! I say get rid of him.
I know.....it is easier said than done.
I struggled with my EX like that for 10 years.
No more though and I am 100 % happier.
Good luck to you :)
2007-03-18 11:16:44 · answer #8 · answered by alli224 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should have said something to him earlier in the marriage. It's going to be very hard to get him to change, but if you love him enough, try to get him to sit down with you and show him the unfairness of all this. In a marriage the two people in it have to both contribute , it's a give and take situation, and if one or both are not prepared to do this then it's not worth staying in the marriage.
2007-03-18 10:29:44 · answer #9 · answered by Alwyn C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this is the way of most men. Actually, I thought it was funny when your question said selfish husband. I thought the selfish part was just understood and included. I have accepted the fact that I have two children. One is 1 1/2 and one is 36.
2007-03-18 10:21:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋