Worried for post divorce days ... suggestion please.?

Question

Well guys, I am married for around 10 years and have a couple of children. The problem is, my wife is extremely hot tempered, and I always need to be on my toe to take care that I am not making her angry, as when she gets angry, she gets physically violent too.

Another problem is that she is very much like a dictator in the house. Only those things happen here what she wants, my own feelings get no place here, and the situation has worsen so much that when one of my children ask me something, I am so much afraid thinking about her reaction that I keep mum and wait her to reply. I feel as if I am living in a prison.

She doesn't like if I have any friend. I had a lot of friends before our marriage, but since we are together, she has behaved so badly with my friends, that all of them have left me. Well, I had to make a choice and I thought I have more responsibility towards my wife.

contd.

I work from my apartment. Now she is often out for different programs, friends, theaters, etc. leaving me the kids to look after. Now working for only half a day I am unable to finish my projects in good time, and have already lost a few very important clients. I am afraid that if this continues like this, very soon I will have no client, no money, and I will be in deep sea.

And we don’t communicate almost. Why, because I am always afraid of what will be her reaction when I tell something.

I spoke to her parents regarding my problems, and they agreed that she was very hot tempered before her marriage and they were very worried about her future. Now they found that she has become much gentler, well, I see that she has just changed her target. She attacks the person who is closest to her.

She is pretty violent to my children as well, something I don’t like at all. Everything together, I am pretty much depressed, and tried to commit suicide once. Now, I’m in a dilemma.

Contd

I am considering divorce. Problem is, I am too much worried for –

1. My children’s future. Any law favors the women, and if we get divorced, and if she gets the children, they will become her terrible victims, as they will be the sole people close to her, and as per her nature, all her violence will be directed to them. Also, I feel bad that my children will grow up by not having their father near them.

2. My father is a heart patient. I am not sure how can I convey the message to him incase I get divorced, and if that’s the case, how will be his reaction.

I think too much about this all the time, my professional life is getting devastated as I see, and I have got all sorts of deceases lined to tension. Physically, I am sick now, and one can see this.

What should I do? Thanks for your suggestion guys.

Answer 1

I don't see anyway for you to go on living with this person. Violent people quite often are harmful people with no conscious. I see no way that you can live in this mess and keep your sanity. I do understand your concern for the children too. You need to be in close contact with them in order to know whether or not she is being abusive to them.

Answer 2

Divorce is not the option i would recommend for you. I have a few suggestions here, try that before you think of divorce.

I feel its a problem of space. you've been together for 10 long years and have had a couple of children. I don't think any woman would bear children to a man that she does not love or care about.

You mentioned working from your apartment, that means you are at home most of the time, and at the same time you would not have time for your wife. This can be annoying for some women. I feel this annoyance has made matters worse, this could be why your wife feels irritated towards you and also the reason why she has driven away all your friends.

This may also be another reason why she wants you to take care of the kids while she is gone to the places you mentioned.

Moreover your wife is already short tempered you say, this is something her parents should have put a check on before your marriage, she has been turned into a spoilt child, and she has not grown up at all.

Did they not tell you about her nature before marriage? and what were you doing for so many years?
How is your wife's behaviour towards your father? you have'nt mentioned anything about that.

Ok, I would'nt like to ask anymore questions, I can understand how it feels,

now here's a suggestion...

1. Move your office out of your apartment. This will create a space between you and your wife during the day. You'll gradually begin feeling better. "Absence sharpens love" so i am confident your wife will also start missing your presence during the day and would tend to behave polite.
Your wife will also get space and will not see you working anymore. This will give her the feeling of more attention from you. Apart from this, you will also be able to concentrate better on your work.

2. Get your children out of the house, you could make them stay with their grand parents, summer vacation is coming up.

If you don't see any improvement after this then you will have to seek medical help for your wife.

I still feel your marriage can be saved. But if you;ve not tried my suggestions before then please try it before you think of divorce.
P.S: Suicide is something for the cowards! don't even dream of repeating that mistake.
I would love to hear from you, if you've tried my suggestions. Mail me if you want to discuss more in detail. I'm Always ready to help.

Answer 3

I read your question and info.I feel you pain far away and I can see your position very well. Here is my 2 cents and I want to give you my advice. Yes, you can file a divorce and you can site her for being a violent mother and selfish of her own kind. First I need you and your children to get a counseling with the phychologist. Then make sure you have a note about her behaviors and her reactions. You can re create a dialy and start from the day one. The court will see it from your writing and please write your feeling into it. Make sure you keep your journal daily. Get your friends to help and tetify against her, I am sure they will be happy that you are free again. I am 100% sure they want to help you. When you serve your wife a paper, make sure you give her a chance to get family couunselings. She may not know that you are fade up with her.Do give her a choice. Prepare your money to fight her and try to remove your asset as much as you can. You will need it for being a single father and a couple children. You do not need to broadcast any of your private life style to anyone until you have to go to court. You can see your father without your wife. You can tell him that she is at work or sick at the doctor's office.By the way,Your inlaws will not help you and they only see their lovely daughter in a few moment while you are 24/7 with her. The sad part is the children who have to suffer because, of the ugly mother.Your kids can tell the judge about your wife' hot temper and violent behavior against them as well. You have proof and I urge you put up a fight and keep you children and share some custody with your ex-wife. I personally do not want to break people life and I could not help after I read your question.I hope you give your wife a second chance and learn how to communicate effectively with each other.Now You have to be strong if you want out and make sure you have a good lawyer who sees you as a client not a rich man.Take good care of yourself and you need a clean health to fight this battle. Please come back and tell our Yahoo about your situation. ( A happy homemaker with 3 kids and just passed her 25th marriage and wows to keep going for another year.)

Answer 4

Clearly this is not healthy for you, your children nor your wife. I do not think anyone enjoys living the way all of you are. Your wife has anger issues she needs to vent in a more productive way. I don't think she pulls her rages with her friends nor should she with you or your children. I would speak to her & send the kids out with someone. I would tell her how you feel. Give her a choice she either gets help and you will go and support her or you are leaving with the kids. Either way your life will be better. Also you going to her parents I know you need someone to talk to but I would not advise them helping as I am sure she did not get this way over night and there parenting skills most likely caused some of this. As far as your dad goes he will get over it as I think your happiness is more important then living every day in a prison. Hopefully she will get some help.

Answer 5

Your message literally brought tears to my eyes. I suggest a divorce..and you rather should understand, since, well, he IS your father! Talk to your children about this. They may need some help too. Please don't commit suicide...that's a terrible thing to do. Don't worry- the bad times will pass. You just have to make the decision. I strongly suggest a divorce if your wife is making you THIS unhappy!! In a marrige, you are BOTH supposed to be happy..not just one of you. Please, follow my advice...and get the children out of there, at least! If she has been physically violent with you..and a little with the children...don't take any more chances. Good luck..I wish the best.

Answer 6

Contact a lawyer and get divorce proceedings started. Request a female attorney and be honest about your wife's abuse to you and the children. You need to protect your kids. A female attorney will help you seem more sypathetic to a judge. Tell the lawyer the truth, heck, just print off what you wrote here. That's enough to get the wheels moving. I'm sorry you're being abused physically, mentally and emotionally. The world is better for your kids if you are here, so please don't attempt suicide again. You will feel so much better after you go see an attorney and the proceedings have started. Your dad wants you to be happy, he will understand you are taking care of yourself and your kids.

Answer 7

I was quite worried going thru your ques,coz I too have kids.the most crucial thing in your question is the future of the kids.please remember that kids require both the parents.so why dont u take her to a psychiatrist and try to live together as a family.
try to make your wife understand that u still love her...after all there is nothing u stand to gain after breaking a marriage.think of your kids,father,yourself!
try living separately for some time,but tell ur wife that u have a new job or a transfer.preview the scenario...there's bound to be a change

Answer 8

You're going to have to take a deep breath and walk through the pain. You can't control her or if your father lives or dies or if your kids will have a future. Life is uncertain. But you have to do the best you can and trust that things will work out for the best. Have you tried counseling? If not, seek professional help. You will need a strong support system and a therapist is a good start but they can also help you find a support group to help you deal with the situation head on.

Answer 9

Why do you want to stay in this relationship? The reasons you stated were of course valid, but I have got to believe that you could obtain custody of your children if you have a decent lawyer. Your wife is mistreating you, and in so doing, mistreating your kids as well. You only get one life. It sounds like she is draining you of your spirit and hope. My advice is to ask people you know to recommend a good lawyer, and visit the lawyer as an information gathering expedition. This was you'll be able to explore all your options.

I truly believe that you are not helping your wife by letting her mistreat you and your kids. Perhaps visiting a lawyer will be a jolt of reality, and your wife might consider some counseling to help her be less controlling and get her anger in check.

Answer 10

1) CONGRATULATIONS!
With such an ill-tempered woman ,you manged to live for ten years with the benefit of getting two children out of the stormy life you are leading.
2)You have to learn to look at the problems from a distance to understand her nature and really she needs to be sympathised. Your sympathy or empathy may change her for better.(Life for you is like living with a devil but you know better)
3) Better you go to a psychiatrist for counselling/training and you will learn how to cope up with her.
4)Suicidal thoughts- Real stupidity. That won't solve the problem,but will end your life creating new unforeseen problems for your wife and children.

5) If you don't react to her outbursts,she may realise her mistakes in due course of time.
If you are an Indian ,pl.think twice about divorce and the stigma it will create in the society of ours.
6) You father is a heart patient and don't add anymore problem to his already troubled boat of life.
7) Pl remember the catch words:
Career First,
Family Must.

Wish you good luck!
PS: If you are doing home based projects pl. see whether any of us be of any help to you in your projects to maintain the schedule. of course by working through net.