HELP!! Proofread!;;?

Question

Commercial starts with the narrator explaining incident happened back in 1947, New Mexico, Roswell. In same time the commercial shows very futuristic case of computer. Narrator keeps explaining about there were some UFO wreckages recovered by the military personnel in Roswell and how alien technology recovered from Roswell were applied to the modern renovation but government denies that there are no such thing was developed with alien technology. While narrator talks about the Roswell incident, commercial shows the specific parts of this weird or cool looking computer with zoomed in very closely. Because it was so close, we wouldn’t able to know what the item is until the end of the commercial when it shows the whole computer and saying it has Intel Pentium technology in it. By observing the commercial, there were few missing qualities which good advertisement should have such as information about the item, price, their target of audience, and being clear on their point in selling the product.

Answer 1

You wanted us to proofread that paragraph, right?

Here's an edited version [my comments are in brackets]:

The commercial starts with the narrator explaining an incident that happened back in 1947, in Roswell, New Mexico. At the same time there is a visual of a very futuristic-looking computer. The narrator continues explaining about some UFO wreckages recovered by the military personnel in Roswell and how alien technology recovered from there was applied to the modern renovation [I'm not sure how to fix this - renovation of what?] but that the government denies that anything was developed with alien technology [this whole sentence is really long - maybe break it up?]. While the narrator talks about the Roswell incident, the video zooms in to show specific parts of this weird, cool-looking computer very closely. Because the shot is so close, we aren't able to figure out what the item is until the end of the commercial when it shows the whole computer, saying it has Intel Pentium technology in it. By observing the commercial, I saw that there were a few missing qualities which good advertisements should have, such as information about the item, its price, and its target audience. The commercial could also have been more clear on Intel's point in selling the product.

Hope this helps!

Answer 2

If you find yourself automatically correcting typos in books you read, you may have the beginnings of what it takes to become a professional proofreader. Before you start, it's important to research what jobs skills you'll need and to know how to find proofreading jobs once you have the skills.

Answer 3

ok. the commercial sounds pretty cool. don't worry about getting more product information, or price. most people know all they want to about processors (they need one, and higher numbers are faster). and price for new technology is generally high and expected to be so. don't worry about getting that in the commercial. you don't need to include every bit of information about the product. getting the idea that intel is on the cutting edge of technology in a 20 second, cool, memorable commercial is enough....everyone knows about intel...and this commerical seems like a reminder.

Answer 4

I want to help but what is your question!