Should I tell him the entire truth?

Question

While my husband of five years and I were apart (he left me) I had a three month affair with someone I knew he absolutely could not stand. When I say he could not stand this guy, I mean he HATED this guy and that is probably an understatement. After four months of being apart we got back together, but I continually denied the affair with this other guy (who was married.) So, five years later I finally broke down and admitted what happened and explained the true reason as to why I did what I did, which was I was alone, confused and thought that I was not good enough for anyone and when this guy came onto me (almost immediately after my husband left me) I went along with his advances. Truthfully, I thought it was over with my husband and I felt like I was worthless.

It was nice being wanted and I felt needed as he kept coming around and wanting me. The sex was much better than I admitted to my husband, but it was not about sex for me, it was about not being and feeling rejected.

The real issue that I face as a woman right now, with my husband, is that when we got back together, he felt he knew something happened, was very angry (to the point of MURDERING anyone who stood between him and the humiliating truth) and he pressured me until I told him what happened. Things have smoothed out perfectly since then and we are, for the first time ever, a happy family. But the biggest problem it seems is that he does not believe that I carried on an affair for three months with a married man without enjoying the sex. The truth is, yes, it felt good for it was sex, but I never had a single orgasm and I was not in this for sex, I was in it for attention.

I am wondering that since he does not believe me, and this is the one thing standing between us and complete honesty, should I admit that it felt good, but that no matter what he thinks, I was not in it for the sex and did not enjoy it?

And yes, I know what I did was wrong, but I was out of my mind with a broken heart.

I do not see where I said the sex was better with the other guy. I said it felt significantly better than I am admitting, but I did not orgasm nor did I enjoy it.

Answer 1

I would tell him everything so he can choose to accept you for who you really are, not as a chicken who can't be honest.

Answer 2

I wouldn't if I were you. He knows you had an affair, and that's good enough. If you tell him how good the sex really was, you'll just hurt him even more.
No offense, but I don't buy your excuse about not feeling worth anything. It sounds to me like you just wanted an excuse to rationalize an affair.
Not that I can talk or anything. I'm far from perfect and I've been there before, but believe me, these things do return to haunt us.

Answer 3

I think it is good that you told your husband the truth. I do not think you should tell him the sex was better with this other guy. Nor should you ever compare your husband to him in any way. Since this was so long ago you need to let it go and focus on your marriage with your husband.

Good luck!

Answer 4

He Say's he wants to know but can he really handle the truth? I had a similar situation as you and my marriage counselor told me to let him know as little detail as possible about the actual mechanics of what happened. The mental image would be long lasting and not necessary in helping him get past it. You have been brutally honest with your husband my advice it you don't have to give him every last detail for him to get over it and he must respect the fact that you don't want to go there and leave it be.
I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

first of all, this happened wen u 2 broke up so watever u did wen he left u, u dont have to answer for..it even happened 5 yrs. ago!!! he had no right to be upset coz he left u at that time and that was sooo long ago..he shud not ask bout the sex at all and u shud not answer but if u have to, then dont ever tell him that it was good coz that wud hurt his pride and wud hurt ur relationship..honesty is not the best policy w/ issues like this...telling the truth wud ony hurt him and create bigger probs for u...just tell him that it was soo long ago that u no longer remembered how it felt. ur husband is just being insecure and selfish by pushing u

Answer 6

Today is the first day of the rest of your marriage. You have been honest with him and it is time to move forward. Since it was he who left the marriage before the affair, that little nagging something that annoys his ego or whatever is the price he pays for not staying and working it out together. A small price in my opinion.

Answer 7

I would disagree with any of your respondents regarding divulging the entire truth about this relationship. It would only further irritate your husband and it is the relationship with your husband you wish to go forward. Big confessions may clear YOUR conscious, but they do nothing for him.... the less said, the better, (reverse the role, and you'll get the idea...)and for sure, telling him the sex was better would amount to emasculating your husband. Shut the hell up. Of course your reason was that you wished to feel wanted.... we all do... that is a given. And I'm not sure guys really understand that about women. For women, it is not sexuality, but sensuality, and there is a distinct difference. If he wishes to know more, every time he asks, simply say that "what I told you was pretty much all that there was, and it was a long time ago, and I have pretty much forgotten about it." Then say something nice about him... " I am so happy we are......"

There are some things better not explored ... this is one of them. What you felt, and how much you felt it, and how much you shared with this other guy, really is none of his business.... besides, in future discussions, you don't wish any of it thrown up at you.... that just leads to hurtful accusations and hurt feelings that what you told him was then used to be thown back at your face.... nope, hon, just delete it pretty much from any discussion.

Answer 8

What part of the truth have you left out? That the sex was better? Jeez, no, don't tell him that. Marriage is hard enough. My wife had an affair...and it is never fair to compare the responsibilities and difficulty of married life with a fantasy dream lover that shares only one small very intimite part of your life. No, let it go.

Answer 9

Being truthful is the best policy! BUT! Before you say anything, just think after all that has happened is what I am saying really going to help anything now. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALIVE, SOME THINGS R BETTER OFF BEING KEPT TO YOURSELF! Some things after being said, a relationship will never survive. And if you just needed to tell someone to feel better, go talk to someone in your church just to confess.

Answer 10

You didn't do anything wrong in telling your husband the truth. If he is still with you today, regardless of your mistake, and is willing to continue on with the marriage, then just let your past mistake go and drop it. Focus on your marriage to your husband and start fresh. Get to know your husband again.

Just never look back.

Answer 11

Seek counseling to free your own guilt. And let the past remain in the past. It was a very foolish mistake. And you werent together at the time. I dont expect it would help your marriage to give your husband all the details.