What to do when he won't get help?

Question

I've been married, faithfully, to my husb. for 9 years. We have an 8 year old boy.

However, my husband suffers from anxiety and to a lesser degree, depression. It's gotten worse this year because I went the "tough love" route and I no longer enable his food and alcohol addictions. Despite identifying the problem, offering possible solutions, and making counseling available, he hasn't taken any steps in helping himself.

When is enough, enough? It's hard to love an overweight bundle of issues who used to be the light of my life. It's hard to make plans for the future when I don't know if he's going to choose to be well. Is this where I present an ultimatum?

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Answer 1

Your ultimatum will mean nothing to him if 1) he doesn't want to get help, and 2) you aren't willing to follow through.

Why not try a seperation? Let him know that you love him and want a future with him, but that you are willing to seperate for a while to see if he can get his life together, AND to see how you feel living without his issues.

It will either be a wake up call to him, that he is going to lose you for good if he can't get it together, or it will be the chance you need to realize that you will be happier without him.

Good luck.

Answer 2

If he doesn't want help that's to bad. You are going to have to be strong and make a decision. This isn't only affecting you it is also affecting your son. Your husband is suffering from depression so alcohol won't help anything. If he could give up the booze things could change. If he truly loves you an ultimatum might help.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have done everything possible for him, but if he doesn't want the help, there is not much you can do. He needs to see a doctor about his problems, so they can treat him. I know it's hard to watch the person you love let himself go. An ultimatum may be your last hope. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

You cango to Alanon and learn to live your life and love him and let him live his sadness, or you can leave , letting him know you love him but can no longer live like this and maybe he will get help and someday, by proof with his behavior, you may reunite, or, if he continues ike this, he may very well die, as do most alcoholics who don't seek help.
Out of all of those who attempt sobreity, only approx. 1/2 of 1 % actually stay sober for any length of time. The rest have at best, miserable lives, and move from victim to victim until they simply die.
i am not being judgemental; i have been sober over 13 yrs and have observed this phenomena. Good luck to you, and know that you ARE loved and can live a better life--- love ya doll.

Answer 5

if you believe you have done all that you can its time for the ultimatum you cant live your life like this you only live once make the most of. you child will grow up thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to be whether you can see it or not this must be affecting your child. you need to tell your husband how you feel and that he needs to decide what to do, maybe worth living with friends or family for a few days so he gets a taste of what he will be missing

Answer 6

Ask yourself if you really want to be with him? If he is always drunk what image does this give your son? If you do leave maybe that can be your ultimatum and maybe he will clean up his act.

Get ready, have some money and all your papers organized, find an apartment or kick him out. Consult a lawyer to get custody payments organized. It will be rough, but is living with him all that much fun?

Answer 7

if you leave him his depression will only get worse you are on the right track with getting him away from food and drinking excessivly but nothing wrong with a few drinks now and then but it is only fuel for his depression . try getting him out and about with you and the kids , camping hiking (short trips at first) how bout fishing ? does he work with his hands ? a hobby may help him ! or how about a change in career? stuck in the same old job for years can be depressing in itself. other than that drugs and counseling comes to mind but drugs only work for so long and our bodies tend to get torn up from them good luck it was a real fight with my wife but she is doing much better now and there wasnt any drugs used

Answer 8

yes, present it. because by not giving him the ultimatum of you leaving, it is enabling him to continue to do the same thing forever....pack your bags and go to moms or sis's or some family for the weekend ... call AA and set up a meeting for him and leave the info on the table where he can see it every day. take care of yourself too... do it for your son too

Answer 9

it sounds like you have done a lot, taking the tough love route.

have you told him that it's difficult to love and respect him anymore? have you let him know that, if he doesn't take care of himself, no one else will?

he needs to take care of himself... it takes a lot of will to WORK on ourselves and try to manage our illnesses (anxiety and depression in this case). seems to me your husband doesn't want to put for the effort.

you didn't say whether you are in therapy or not? perhaps you might talk to a therapist to see if it's time to move on with life. therapists can give good guidance and suggestions, when all else fails.

it's too bad your husband doesn't want to put for the effort to get help. i see how it's affecting you.

take care of yourself.

Answer 10

I was in a 10 year realtionship with the same problem. You can't help someone who does not want help. You'll drive yourself crazy trying.
I left the relationship before I was dragged down too.