My mom is in a nursing home and a pathetic invalid. Now she's moving out?

Question

to a low income apt. that's handicapped accessable and she thinks she'll be okay but she's not even bathed herself or made her own sandwhich in 6 years. She can't even comb her own hair! She won't listen to reason and stay where she's at which is comfy money wise and caretacker wise. She wants to leave the nursing hom so she can smoke and drink. The nursing home will be glad to see her gone and the apts. don't care, they just want paid. What the hell are we suppose to do when in 2 months she's laying with her foley screwed up, and she needs to go to another home? The one she's leaving won't take her back because she's caused so much trouble. HELP!

Answer 1

Many nursing homes have a smoking section or allow patients to go outside to smoke... that's odd. Would she qualify for Medicaid/Medicare? If so, she may be able to get a caseworker visit her apartment, but it would worry me, too. I think that she just wants her independence.

Answer 2

Well, first off if she is an invalid, how is she getting her booze and cigarettes? Someone must be enabling her.
I wonder if she would be so hopped up to go if she knew that you and your siblings were planning on not driving her anywhere but to and from the doctor.
There are not as many details as I would like to see so I'll assume she doesn't drive, or cook.
Is she always a pain in the neck or is it the home she is in that she may be reacting to.
How old is she? Is her behavior
Alzheimer's or just a bad attitude?
Would she be willing to be part of a social group such as a church or bingo or anything that gets her out of herself?
If she were offered regular outings (and may be already,) would she still be as inclined to want to live in her own place?
If her week were shortened by two or three trips out for a day or a few hours or moments a day, would she be easier to get along with?
Also, is she living in a home where her reputation precedes her? In other words are the staff there allowing one or two negative incidents in the past affect all their future interactions with her, and those of new staffers?
Sometimes we can't see passed the problem when we look at the one right in front our noses, I wonder if you and yours can look to the extended possibilities and find a multifaceted solution there.
But it all comes down to what you are all able to do on a regularbasis, is the inconvenience of those choices less daunting to you than the thoughts of her living on her own?
My sympathy and prayers are with you and your mom, try to remember that no matter what a pain she is right now, that she is the only person in your lives who bears the title. It would be a shame for kids as concerned and loving as you seem to be to live with the burden of guilt along with the sorrow when she passes.
Try to do things in a way you all know you will not have a hard time dealing with when she is gone.
You are just as important as she is in this equation.
Remember that too.

Answer 3

Hmmm this is a tough one.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way. You appreciate the situation and you care enough to seek the consultation of others.

It appears that no one in your family is taking on any responsibility for her either. I think that is the way the nursing home looks at this situation. From what you've said the woman cannot be considered competent.

You have no choice. And this is the hard part. You, and preferably your family must get a lawyer and take the question of her mental capacity and competence before a judge. Let the judge ascertain her mental ability.

At that time you can say where she is to go. And you can control her income and spending Also this means a very awesome responsibility for then you are also totally responsible for her even to the point of taking her into your home.

Otherwise you or your family can't really do a thing to stop her. She is still considered an independent competent person.

And that I had to face too with my mother.

Answer 4

Both my wife and I work in a Nursing Home Facility and have for years. The problem is probably half your mother and half the nursing facility. Some resident's tend to be a bit of a problem as you might know.
The first thing you need to do is to contact your State and the County Depts of Health. They monitor Nursing Homes and can provide you with a detailed report of the status of care provided by that facility and others in the area. They will try to set-up a meeting with the Facility Director to discuss the issues you have. By all means go and be frank. The county has an Ombudsman whose role is to mediate between both parties. They are great people!!
If she is foley dependant she should not nor can not go to anything but a full-scale dependant living community. The apartment you describe does not fit that criteria. The level of care you describe indicates a need for change, however, to a different Nursing Facility - not an apartment. By State and Federal mandate the current facility is failing badly and a change would be in order.
You can contact the Depts of Health via the internet and by phone. They do respond quickly to family complaints. This will give you and the respective parties (Mom, You, Facility, and State) time to find an appropriate setting for this fiesty woman. I hope this information helps you, but first, take a deep breath and calm yourself. Nursing Facilities are stressful places for the Administrators, Nurses, CNA's, Family and, most important, to the person in the Facility.
Calmly develop a plan of action beginning with contacting the Dept of Health. Take their advise regarding any action including another Facility. Both verbally and in writing express your concerns for your mother's current treatment, move to an apartment, and future care. You are not going to like this, however, ask for a full Independant Psyc Exam. Acting-up or acting-out is not a bad sign but can be resolved through finding the source of the acting.
I truly hope this info helps you in any way. Many of those that my wife and I care for are, at times, troublesome. They are also the most memorable people in our lives. Good Luck and God Bless your efforts.

Answer 5

If she has medicare, or what ever she has, maybe you can get home health aides to come in three to four times a week to help her bathe, etc. what about her meds? I know this is a difficult situation. I worked in an assisted living facility. People are very unhappy about being "put" there. They think their rights are being taken away. You could get the state involved where you live. Here in Texas we have Adult Protective Services. Her doctor? Most seniors will listen to their doctors. The best thing you could probably do is get guardianship over her, but this does mean a hearing before a judge, and then they will see she is unable to care for herself. Who is helping her with the move, I am sure she can't do it by herself. I know there has to be some state agency in your area that can help. The nursing home won't help? I know they want to get paid too. Have you ever looked at Assisted Living facilities. The one that I managed let the residents smoke, but outside, They could have alcohol in their apartments, but with a prescription from the doctor. Good Luck, I know you are at your wits end.

Answer 6

I am really surprised the state hasn't stepped in on this.For them to release her when she isn't able to help herself is criminal.
I know of a 84 year old lady who was a dear friend, who still had her drivers license.She was REPORTED by a local , concerned citizen of having a lead foot. Police were looking for her on the main roads and when they found her, they issued her a bogus traffic violation...I think it was a tail light or something.Well before she went to court, she went to her mechanic and he found nothing the matter with any of her lights. She still had to go to court to plead her case.
The judge who was on told her that "IF" they see her driving on the road again,they would take her car....She said, that's O.K. I have more money and I'll buy another one.He then responded by saying "IF" we find you driving you will be put in a adult home. 4 weeks later the judge was true to his word.
A lady who lived by herself and was very self reliant done bad by people with power.

But how your mother could move out "IF" she is considered a invalid...I don't know.

Answer 7

The same happened with my mother. She once spent 10 hours on the floor with a broken hip. She let herself go and died within the year.

Sounds like your mother is committing suicide by neglect!

Prepare yourself for the certain end result.

I'm sorry that you will have to go through this.

Answer 8

Have her doctor talk to her. It's a shame when we have to be the parent to our parents. She needs to be told to behave. Can you have her declared incompetent? I know it would be a hassle, but can you find her a new nursing home?

Answer 9

The only way you can do anything is have her declared mentally incompetent by a Judge sorry

Answer 10

First this is no way to speak about anyone, esp your mother. I guess you can go over everyday and help her. That is what children do to keep parents living on thier own.

Next you check on the state home health care.