This is about POEM AGAIN!?

Question

OK... this time, its NOT my poem. So i'm not taking credit for it. It was written by my cousin. She's fourteen and still better than me... lol

There is two of them... here's the first one:

In the mysterious night sky,
lays an even more mysterious thing,
it shines bright,
and takes in many wishes,
a bonanza of eyes are laid upon it,
as it shines of all its glory,
but as the night slowly slips away,
the wonderful light dissapears,
into the day,
as it is remembered by many lives,
it slowly says good bye.

HERE'S THE SECOND ONE:

No one understands,

I can't sleep,
nor eat,
or even dream,
laughing is out of the question,
along with happiness,

no one understands,

I can't breath,
nor see,
or even hurt,
grinning is out of the question,
along with pleasure,

no one understands.

(THE SECOND ONE IS NOT DONE...in the end when it its done... u will find out that someone has died and that will explain the other stuff)

i told her i thought they were, ok

i thought the second one was better...

Answer 1

omg.

look at all the losers that posted above me.

well i liked it.

Answer 2

I cringe when I see poems which include the words "thing," "everybody," and "no one." These words (especially the first one) are so inclusive and non-specific that they have practically no meaning. I like the sentiment in these poems, especially the first one, but your cousin needs to tighten up the word choice.

All words in writing need to be specific and carry a concrete meaning, and even more so in poetry. This is what T.S. Eliot called the "objective correlative," or as William Carlos Williams put it, "no ideas but in things." Broad statements of emotion, driven by adjectives and pronouns, tend to feel ephemeral. Nouns and verbs, especially nouns and verbs with a strong psychological impact, are much more effective for communicating meaning.

I know that many classic poets like Raleigh and Marlowe used a lot of non-specific words in their writing. The classic poetry you read in school is very airy-fairy and sentimental. But those poets used up those ideas a long time ago, and you don't want to just repeat something somebody else already said. You need to be specific, personal, and incisive. And you can only do this by using strong, object-permanent words.

Keep at it; learning to write is a cumulative process. These poems are better than my early attempts (I was pretty poor at it when I was fourteen!), and as you and your cousin practice at it you'll find the product coming together in a way that is more strongly satisfying to you as a poet, and to your audience as well.

Answer 3

pard'n but got this feelin' thy're ya own!

first one suffers from intentional fallacy, second, from affective fallacy. both are promising but do stretch the usual conventions of poetic licence:consider verb transitive/intransitive tense forms of lie= lay; lay=laid. neither/nor
out of question x2 =slangish, rather trite and tired idiom/cliche.
help ya cousin revise these.

good luck