could you please correct my personal statement letter? (english is not my native language)?

Question

I am applying for US university and am obliged to write a personal statement letter. could you please correct my mistakes? thank you very much for your assistance!

The numerous travel experiences I made influenced my decision of studying travel industry management. I developed keen interest in foreign cultures & languages, but especially in organizing journeys.
As career goal I set myself being an excellent host (whether in the hotel industry or f.ex as tourist guide) while working at the same time efficiently and economically.
As I am very diligent, dedicated and absolutely willing to work hard, I hope you will give me the privelege of studying at your institution, located in the center of tourism, for having the best conditions for reaching my goal.
Thank you for your interest in my application.

Answer 1

The numerous travel experiences that I have made in the past have influenced me in making my decision to study in the field of travel industry management. During that time, I began to develop a keen interest in various foreign languages and cultures. I cultivated an interest in organizing journeys, because the journeys that I went through helped to create my passion for the travel industry.

In terms of my career, whether it is in the hotel industry or in f.ex as a tourist guide, I will prove to be an excellent host, one that is efficient and economically sound.

I am a very diligent and dedicated person, and I am willing to work hard to reach the level that I am striving to achieve. I hope you will give me the privilege of studying at your institution, as it has the ideal conditions for reaching my goal in dealing with tourism.

Thank you for your interest in my application; I appreciate your consideration.

Answer 2

The numerous travel experiences I HAVE made influenced my decision of studying Travel Industry Management, AND I HAVE developed A keen interest in foreign cultures, AND Languages, but especially in organizing journeys.
As A Career Goal I set myself TO BE an excellent host, whether in the Hotel Industry or FOR AN EXAMPLE as A Tourist Guide, while working at the same time MASTERING Efficiently and ECONOMICS.
As I am very diligent, dedicated and absolutely willing to work hard, AND I hope you will give me the privilege of studying at your Institution, located in the center of tourism, for having the best conditions for reaching my goal.
Thank you for your interest in my application,
XXXXX XXXXX (name)