Is it too soon for her kids to accept a sleepover?

Question

I've been seeing a lady for about 5 months. She's divorced just over a year, I'm divorced more than 8 years. She has kids 10 & 13 whom I've met. She thinks they wouldn't be comfortable with me staying there when they are with her. She has stayed with me, lately even when my own 14 year old son has been here, with no problems. Am I pushing too much? Should I give her and her kids more time? Thanks.

Her ex refuses to meet me and puts me down, even though I've offered to meet him (through her) out of respect. And I've met her parents and some of her family & friends, who like me. Personally, I think he still wields too much power in the situation, manipulating the kids.

Answer 1

this is a bigger question than it first appears, have you considered that maybe she hasnt told her childrens father about you yet incase it rocks the boat? at their age they would be bound to say something, maybe she hasnt told other relatives yet, maybe she just doesnt think they are ready for such a step, there are lots of possibilities that are in no way a negative reflection on or about you, talk to her, again, show her how much you want this progression in your relationship, but dont push it, these things have a habit of all coming together naturally. Good luck, to all of you

Answer 2

Her ex is always going to be there so get used to whatever it is that you don't like about him. And don't sleep over - why would you want to be perceived as 'playing house' at her house, with her kids there? You don't know what your 14-year old son thought about your having a woman spend the night - he might have though, 'Hey, Dad's getting laid tonight!' and even discussed it with a friend that way. It shows that sex outside of marriage is what you can get. You don't even say anything about commitment to this woman, except that you have met her family. You're just as likely to break up as stay together and there will be a different woman next sharing your bed (duly noted by your 14-year-old son); this is just what she doesn't want her kids to see in her life. So back off. She doesn't need more time. She needs you to marry her, not figure out how you can have 'sleep-overs'.

Answer 3

She just needs more time she will come around. Respect her feelings and don't take them personally. You are a new relationship and her ex husband will always be part of the lives of her children. this may be a hard step to accept from her children's view and she Is more likely trying ween them into feeling comfortable around someone who isn't the father. Depending on the relationships of all who are involved with her and the divorce so new and the children have lost the family unit and all is new and uncertain to them still hurts. It may take time. Just be patient an understanding

Answer 4

Take it slow maybe plan an overnight camping trip with everyone where you sleep with all the boys and she sleeps with the girls if there are any, let them get use to having you around like that maybe even camp outside in her yard with her boys, make the kids feel important so that when you finally do start spending the night the kids will have already liked having you at the breakfast table remembering the first time as a good experience from your yard camping! Good Luck I hope It all works out for you.

Answer 5

Family is difficult. I was 14 years old when my mother left my father and moved another man into my home. She didn't want him to yet but he pushed her and guilted her in to it. It was horrible I wrote him nasty poems about how he was nothing but a guy who slept with my mother and that he wasn't my father and should stay out of my life. Well I am thirty now and she is still with him; now him and I both know we messed up. He forced when he should have been understanding my life was just turned upside down and stepped all over and I blamed him. I know that my parents weren't meant to be together but that was my family. He now wishes he had moved slower and it has put added baggage on their relationship. My suggestion move slowly... Start with the zoo, dinner and eventually the sleep over remember the kids know what you want to do with mom...

Answer 6

Yes, give them all more time.

If you both want to be involved, that's fine because you are both divorced and both adults.

BUT...you have "luggage"....And you have to take all the kids' feelings into consideration.

How would you feel if you were one of her kids and saw another man who is not his/her dad sleep in their house?
(NOT to mention you are not married to his/her mom...)

They are at a difficult age right now- so is your son.

Parents can give advice and orders; but kids will forget the words and pay more attention to the actions.

Be careful.....Take it veeeery slowly......And relax about her ex-husband's attitude. A year is not long and the dust has not yet settled. Good luck.

Answer 7

She just divorce over a year and her kids are now coping with their parent separation. She know her kids and her kids might be still having strong bond with their father. Hence, they might not be very comfortable that you stay in with her.
Please give her n her kids more time. if you love her, give her the support she need now.

Answer 8

She is not ready to introduce hre children to the relatinship----give her more time! Yoy have been divorced for 8 years--your son has accepted the fact that you and his mother is not getting back together-----she is only divorced for a little while---give the children a little more time to adjust to the fact that their mother is with someone else!

Answer 9

take your time, you're lucky that the kids are in the same age range. maybe there is fun stuff that all the kids like to do with no pressure of instantly growing together as a family (a bit early). as soon as you're all getting accustomed to each other without that big relationship thing and power games, pieces will fall in their place all by itself...that's the way it will last also. stay out of her functioning with her ex, that's your ego you have to control and do not mistake it for care or love, as she won't.
best wishes.

Answer 10

Don't push it. Wait until your lady feels comfortable about it. She knows her children and if she feels they aren't ready to accept a sleepover, then it's definately not a good idea.