I think my wife is having an affair?

Question

I have been in the military for 22 years. I met my wife 7 years ago in Mannhiem, Germany and fell in love with her. We were married in Germany and our little girl was born in Hiedelberg. I am presently on my second deployment to Iraq. When I was deployed last time she was very supportive. I recieved mail from her every week. She always told me that she loved and missed me. This deployment is very different. I have access to email and she no longer writes. She said she doesn't have the time. When I call home she doesn't want to talk, she is often rude, hateful and arguementative and says she has other things to do. She has started going to the gym and going out every weekend with her "girlfriend". She will not tell me or my family the girlfriends name. I had a Christmas present sent to her and she gave it away. She has purchased a whole new wardrobe but tells me we don't have any money when I ask to get some. I would like to be wrong about my suspicion. This is driving me crazy. Help!

Answer 1

well i am a wife in the military, and i am in germany right now. Im torn between 2 of my answers, either you are right, or she is sick of the military life and wants out. Sounds to me like you need to talk to her. Ask her if she is having an affair to see how she responds. If she is defensive saying im offended you would think that, then say im sorry, but this is why i think that.....If she says no, and changes the subject then you have your answer. You should be worrying more about getting home saftly then her games with you, and it is real selfish on her part to be playing with your head, but you should know by now that time away from home gets to you, and you will start getting painoid eventually. Id like to continue to talk to you so email me if you have nething else, id really like to help. I am a BIG supporter in marriages in the military. Is she german?? Bc maybe she used you as a meal ticket to get to the us. If you find out she cheated can you send her *** back>?? my email is [e-mail] Hope it all works out, good luck.

Answer 2

i really dont know what to say to you but felt i should say something. It doesnt sound too good, military life must be difficult for those left behind too, especially as there is no end in sight of being left, when you are gone your wife is left to carry on a life, or put everything on hold until you return, not really practical when you have children, this does not however excuse what has happened, IF, indeed it has. She should appreciate the position that you are in, and talked to you about it, either during your last leave, or not quite appropriate, by e-mail as this is your only form of communication, i think, hard though it will be, the time has come for you to compose an e-mail yourself, explaining all the reasons why you are coming to the conclusion. Her actions may be innocent, once your children are no longer at the toddler stage, a mother has a little more time for themselves and their appearance etc, its the new friend that doesnt quite add up, and, if you lay all this out together it does make quite a case. The biggest question i guess is--are you ready to possibly hear what could be harsh truths? you are hundreds of miles from home, with little means of discussing or remedying this matter, but living with it everyday cannot be easy either, i think thats the choice you have to make first, then take it from there. Whatever you decide to do, and whatever happens, i wish you all the luck in the world

Answer 3

I am afraid you do have something to worry about, and right now isn't the best time for you to be wondering if your wife is cheating. Something is going on with her. It could be as simple as she's trying to handle all the "home" problems by herself or she's in a state of depression. Without knowing her, I can't be for sure what the answer is.

Please email her, and ask her. Don't go right out and say "hey you got a man on the side:. Be sweet, and say "I've notice that you aren't acting like you normally do. What's wrong". Give her the opportunity to open up to you. If she doesn't, and say that you are just parnaoid or that nothings wrong, then tell her. You miss the emails, you miss talking to her on the phone, that you feel that you aren't as important to her anymore. That you have the right to be worried and concerned, because you love her!

You as a spouse have every right to expect a certain amount of contact with your mate. If she's going out every weekend, then she certainly has time to talk to you. You also have the right to know this "girlfriend's" name. There is a baby girl that is involved in this too. I don't think marriage is a life long service detail that the other party has to know everything, but there is a fine line or what is right and wrong...what is acceptable and what's not. Your wife is pushing the wrong and unacceptable to the limits.

You also have the right to know where the money is going. If the bills are more than the take home pay, then there's no money, but she may have to take to going out every other weekend. She deserves some fun, but she's got to be an adult about it. A wife too! It's a contract of love, honor and cherish. With a side of for better and worse.

Remember too, she's lonely and she's a full time parent with no outside help. She's not got it easy either, but she's still accountable. She's changing and to make things work, you have got to change with her, accept certain things, understand others, but honey, you do have rights to expect a loving and caring wife, who puts you first. I am so sorry that I don't have a quick fix for you, but you have got to talk to her, something is definitely up.

Please tell her there is a difference between being busy and just don't want to talk. And you are feeling it's the later. Praying for your answers and hoping they are what you want to hear. Thank you for keeping us safe, and again you don't need this right, you be safe and take care.............

God bless us all...........

ps..just thought of something..My Mom started at the gym and got new clothes when Dad was overseas, she was just trying to fill in her lonely hours, but she still made it a point to let him know he was her #1.

Answer 4

Sir you have my deepest symphaty on whats going on with you, and I do know how it is to be away from someone that you love. I was also one of those dependant wife (navy deployment), we met at my home(Oahu). Your case is so much diff. from others. I will put my foot out and if I offend you please accept my apology, you are not sure if your wife that you love might be having an affair because of her attitude towards you. First it is hard for the wife when their husband is always gone, Im used on mine because I was a military kid before I met my ex. Especially now that the place your in is not a safe place to be in. For us,its very scary and we do not know whats going on back there, except from the news thats on tv.
I will not judge your wife nor you,but have you thought why she is trying to keep herself busy?? your the only one that knows your wife, all that we do here is give our advice or you can say respond. If you want to know whats going on, how about contact one of the wife that detach with your company, or you can write the Ombadsman and tell her or him that you need a bit of help because you don't know whats going on with your wife?? You said that you have an access on computer so you can go from there, contact the wive's or family Ombudsman.
About her spending the allowance that comes every month, you can control it from where you are right now, If you do this,it might give some light or explanation to you. I hope that this help a little,just try not to come up with the idea that she might, not sure,of having an affair behind your back. you sir are a proud and strong man and you can solve this without the two of you getting hurt,...............be safe!!

Answer 5

Even if she isn't having an affair, she sounds as though she has fallen out of love with you.
In your career it must be hard to come home to a wife who is cold and unloving, and even harder not to receive support from her via mail/email while you are away.
Confont her, she may just confess! If not, then discuss your concerns and ask her is she wanting out of your marriage?
I know it's hard but no-one wants to be in a loveless marriage.
And if she's having an affair then it's over because you can't afford to have a wife you don't trust when you are away so often.

Answer 6

It sounds like she may have a new love interest. When she says her "girlfriend," she may really mean it as that. However, this friend may be influencing her to be more flirtatious with the other men to distract her thoughts of you. In this friendship, she may have discovered a new her which explains the new wardrobe.

I will admit, my husband and I are having lots of marital difficulties. I have lost interest in him, romantically anyway. I do love and care about him. I have gained a wonderful friend (female) in whom I can confide, vent and have fun. She really tunes in to me, as a person. No, I am not in love with her. I am straight but her friendship is filling the void of my unmet needs. I find that I am the same way towards my husband as your wife is to you, on the phone. He is hurt, now like you. He even suspects me to be cheating. I am not.
I suggest you find time to leave and go home for at least one week on a "surprise visit." Stop and buy a card that expresses your feelings. In addition, bring her roses or flowers. Tell her your concerns and try to talk in a quiet place without any distractions to get to the root of this problem. Good luck.

Answer 7

Hi there, i'm not sure that i can answer your concerns, but maybe i can shed light on being the wife that gets left behind?
My other half was in the Military for 27 years, the last few years of which he wasn't deployed,so we got pretty cosy with him being at home, since he's retired (he's only 44yrs), he's gone back to work in Iraq.....First time he went, my whole life revolved around me being sat in front of the PC.....He was able to log on for a few minutes but we never knew when, I missed him dreadfully, I hated stepping away from the PC because i knew i could easily miss him logging on, and then i would have to wait till the next day......The second time he went......Truthfully? I didn't miss him as much.....I was angry at the situation of him not being here, angry that i was left coping with everything by myself, and also angry with myself for having wasted months infront of the PC.....So i made damn sure that the next time? I had plenty to do......going to the Gym, meeting friends, shopping....I dont even like shopping.....but you should see how much i've done! The problem with acting like this....is that in MY case, i started to FEEL single, i started resenting my partner and got quite hostile when he used to ask me about how i'd spent my day, if i'm really honest, when he used to ask me what was in the bank account, i found myself always saying there was less than there was.....I started thinking of it as 'My Money' Thank fully, I caught on to myself, and realised that my husband is doing his job, and he's doing it to provide a better life for us in the long term.....he hasn't 'LEFT' me, he isn't going to raid the bank account and leave me penniless etc....I think (and hope!) that your wife is going through something similar, these situations can play havoc with our minds! I also think that if she were upto anything, she wouldnt be bothering to tell you shes going out at all.....let alone going to the trouble to tell you its a 'girlfriend'. Regarding the christmas present? I wouldn't read too much into that either.....Christmas day at home without your partner is just sooo awful.....it really does bring out a myriad of hostile and resentful feelings, and your gift probably just enforced the fact that you weren't there, sometimes when we are hurting? It's alot easier to lash out, you werent there, but the gift was !!
So please.....don't let this drive you crazy, you're not going to be there forever, email her, let her know how much you love her, and that being in Iraq is not your choice, but your duty....i would guess that you're maybe going a little OTT with the questions too, try easing off a little, she may be more forthcoming.....I'm sending you warm wishes...and a safe deployment to you and your colleagues xxx

Answer 8

Well, I don't know you or your wife well so of course I can't give you a definite answer but it does sound like she's angry at you for being gone so often and maybe she's scared of what might happen to you in Iraq and what would happen to her and your daughter if that something happened. It's possible that she made up this "girlfriend" as a way of emotional "blackmail" as a revenge to make you feel guilty for going away as in saying "Now that you're gone, I spend so such much time with friends, I don't have time for you." For example, she gave away the Christmas present, this is a strong (and I emphasize the word) message as an example of her feelings of abandonment. Anyway, I hope this helps! It's a very passive aggressive move but women hate direct confrontation. I am one so I can understand how she feels. It's much harder for a woman to feel secure if her partner isn't around her and their children.

I don't think her actual motive is being malicious and hurting you but imagine this in your head -she's standing on a cliff waving her arms at you and yelling but you can't hear her because you're standing on a boat but the splashing water makes it hard for you to hear. You can't hear what she's saying but you can see her actions of jumping around, moving her mouth and yelling, waving her arms at you wildly to get your attention. She's telling you through actions but she's not sure how to communicate her words so she emphasizes it through the exaggerated hand waving. She's saying, "I'm scared but I'm afraid I will be a burden and ruin your dreams of being in the military if I ask you face to face to change your job."

Answer 9

Don't really know what to say to you if all the above is true.....too many sernarios here....She could be cheating, she could be suffering post-natal depression, she may be overwhelmed with sole responsibility while you are over there...etc..etc...I wonder too, have you done something wrong or kept something secret from her and she has just found out about it?...( a women would react exactly as you described if this were the case)...she obviously is angry at you for some reason...Only you and her know, you really do need to communicate the problems and if you have email access, then send, send, send till you get a response.....good luck, I hope you can work it out..........and...stay safe and healthy over there....

Answer 10

I'm NOT defending her behaviour...
But the truth is women do get lonely too and with age comes the constant reminder of youth gone...if at such times someone comes along, giving compliments and paying attention to your needs...its very tempting, i guess

I have lived with my love for 6 years now, half has been a long distant relationship...I know how lonely I feel from time to time...but the truth is I would never do such a thing to his trust. Besides we are very honest and open with each other, we agreed if any of us had a desire to stray we will discuss it and maybe break up than hurt the other.

I sincerely hope you can have a talk with her, get things cleared up...such thoughts can only lead to misery...

Wish you the very best