What to do when you want to move but spouse does not?

Question

The long and short of it is that I am married. We have two children together & I am happy to be married to him, but I am extremely unhappy in the city where we live. I have spent five years trying to learn to be happier here (I grew up here) but the absolute truth is that I am so overwhelming unhappy...so much that it is consuming me.

There is nothing here for me in this city. Most of my family has moved on. I generally feel very lost & out of place even though I have lived here all of my life. I have far more bad memories and experiences here than good. Every day it eats away a little more at me to the point where I have contemplated leaving my very loving husband just so I can live somewhere else. I've tried talking to people, wishing it was just depression but nothing is helping.

That is where the problem lies. He refuses to move, not even to another city in the same state. He knows how unhappy I am & it doesn't seem to concern him.

I just can't take it anymore.

Thank you for your answers so far. If my two little girls weren't involved, I would have moved by now. I would never dream of "taking my children" from my husband by picking up and moving them away, and I do love my husband dearly but it hurts so much to have to keep pretending that I am having living here when I'm not.

Thank you again.

also, his reason for wanting to stay is simply that he grew up here as well and that his family is here. He thinks this is the "perfect place to raise a family"

In addition to my own misgivings about this place, there is also the fact that the job market here is dead...his close friend (Who is twice as a qualified) was unemployed for TWO YEARS after he lost his job suddenly...there just aren't any jobs. If my husband were to suddenly lose his job, we would be in serious trouble.

Answer 1

Living somewhere you hate can be just as devastating as living with someone you don't love and you need to put it your husband that way too. The longer you are unhappy the more resentment you will build for your husband. He needs to fully understand that if you are unhappy where you live it will make you unhappy with your marriage also. Tell him it would be no different than for you to live in a prison because that is the feeling you are getting now. If he doesn't take it serious then he isn't very considerate of your happiness. Good Luck.

Answer 2

You give some clues to the reason you are not happy where you are living, but my guess is that there is a lot more going on here than you wish to reveal in your statement. Am I right?

Picking up the whole family, obligating your husband to go job hunting in a different area, and going through the process of relocation (moving all of your acquired things - no small task), is really asking a lot.

Unless, there is something very substantially wrong with where you live. You give no compelling reason for doing so.

Your last statement may be the most telling: "I just can't take it anymore." I don't think the problem has to do with where you live. I think the problem has to do with something very significant in your past that you have been repressing and hiding for a long period of time. News flash: it's not going to go away simply because you move. Whatever it is, it will follow you wherever you go until you face and resolve it.

Tell your husband how really desparate you are and ask for his support in finding out what the problem is OR (if you already know what the problem is) confronting the problem and defeating it. Get a complete physical exam if you haven't done so recently to rule out any organic problems. Then, find a competent professional therapist to help you with what's bugging you.

Get going. Don't put this off and continue repressing the monster. It won't go away on it's own and you can't move and leave it behind.

Answer 3

I admire your decision not to get bitter and take the kids and run. I hate to tell you this but you need to stay...at least for now. See this is something that should have been discussed with your husband before you were married. And at that pint if the two of you didn't come to an agreement and it was a deal breaker for you then you simply wouldn't marry him. See this is why people have to make sure they talk over ALL the issues before marrying because I will admit you are in a bind now. But...all is not lost....you still have a wonderful husband in so many other ways and I am sure you are equally wonderful. Take pleasure in that.....it is precious. I would though continue to let your husband know in very specific terms why you aren't happy in that city and try and ask him why it is so important that you stay. He may have equally good reasons to stay. If you continue to not come to some agreement then ask him for his advise as to how he thinks you could make living here more bearable. If its the city or the people maybe what you could do is get involved by volunteering in some sort of civic activity so that your efforts would result in you taking some new found pride in your town. I wish you well

Answer 4

It is strange that you say nothing is there for you and yet your very loving husband and your two kids are there. So, I'm guessing that you really mean that the bad memories are so overwhelming that you can't make any good ones to replace them.

Honey, you need to know that happiness comes from the inside not the outside. There is a saying, "most people are as happy as they want to be". See, it takes as much effort to be sad as it does to be happy.

Check if your husband is willing to even discuss your unhappiness with you. Maybe he has an opinion on what he thinks might help you. Usually a spouse knows more than we want to believe.

If you move, you take yourself and your memories and your problems with you...so you will take your unhappiness with you, too. It is important for you to be happy where you are so that you can be happy forever, not just temporarily when the external things are all in alignment.

You probably need professional help, though, because if you feel overwhelmed by unhappiness and feel like you can't take it anymore, you should be very worried.

Try to dwell on the things you have that are good...

Pray for God to guide you and give you wisdom.

Blessings.

Answer 5

That's a hard one, and one I was dealing with for quite some time. However, my wife's not wanting to move was due to fear of the unknown and that she'd spent her entire life since birth in the same state.

She eventually came around and we're both much happier in our new town. However, I don't know what the reasons are for your husband's desire to stay or resistance to moving.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to move? If so, has he given an actual in depth answer? Perhaps that's the talk you need to have.

If he simply won't budge, you may have to choose between happiness for yourself and your marriage. Maybe a vacation would help you out as well. Take a week and go somewhere. Let him know it's not him, it's the place, and that you need a break from that city.

Hope this helps!

Answer 6

That's a tough situation.

Is he aware of exactly how upsetting this is to you? While location can affect our frame of mind, we can affect our environment. It sounds like there's a lot more that's depressing you than just living in that particular city.

You can move but it wont change your memories and you'll take all of the same problems with you. I'd be depressed too if my husband showed no regard for my feelings. So counseling is the best option for now. If he refuses to go to couples counseling you'll have to consider your options from there.

That would be a very bad sign. There are resources for single mothers; more than you can imagine. I don't understand staying in it for the children if it teaches them to stay married to men who disrepect them.

At some point, you have to think about yourself and in the end, taking good care of yourself *is* in the best interest of your children.

Wishing you the best.

Answer 7

I'm going through the same thing. Do you have a career? If so, maybe you could find a great new job in new area and commute. Or, if other city is too far, you could come home on weekends and/or hubby could come there. Maybe this way he would eventually come around to the idea of relocating, or, you might be happier and not need/want to move.

Answer 8

You say you've talked to people about this being depression. Have you actually spoken to your physician and tried antidepressants? Medication is the only way to help alleviate clinical depression, talking won't do it. That's like trying to cure diabetes with warm thoughts. Depression is a medical condition and must be dealt with as such.

The feelings of overwhelming unhappiness, being lost and out of place will NOT vanish if you move. And if you destroy your marriage over this, you'll only add to your misery.

Answer 9

the way my wife and i decide where and when we move is who has the better job at the time . would you be happy if you could move out of the city where you live ? if he has the better job is there somewhere you could move and he could keep his job, if he has the better job?my wife got tired of the city we were in so we moved to the country. it made her feel better. good luck to your family. you know the old saying "if mamas not happy nobody is happy."

Answer 10

Are you me? Because I am going with the same thing almost word for word except we have 3 kids. I have done the counseling and everything else just like you. If you find an answers send it to me PLEASE.

by the way what city are you in?