Question on this??

Question

Me and my girl have been together for 8 years.. well recently, we haven't had much of a sex life.. well, i was asking her all day if we could have sex tonight, i know it's lame, but i don't think she's feeling it... well tonight she was promising that we would have it and swearing up and down we would, and things like that.. come about 30 minutes ago she said was "too tired, and I felt like it about 2 hours ago.." but at the time our child was awake.

I don't understand this. Is she not sexually attracted to me? She said is but I dunno.

Confused??

Keep in mind guys... she wanted to have it 5 MINUTES before changing her mind... she usually doesn't act like this

Answer 1

There can be a few things.
1. she's not attracted to you
2. the flame's out - no more spontaneous love
3. she's cheating (someone has to explore that possibility)
4. she feels unattractive

the list continues. so here's what you do. you sit her down and say,

"Sweetie, I love you (if that's tru of course). I don't want you to think that it's the prospect of sex that keeps me with you, but I am a human and therefore I have needs. One need includes sex. I feel it brings us together on a higher level.

"I've noticed that our sex life has deminished. I don't understand what has caused this so I ask that you help me to understand. What could be the cause? You never used to be 'too tired' to make love, why have things changed?"

This opens communication and shows her that YES, you want sex and you realize there's a change (so no more beating around the bush). It also tells her that you're mature, that you love her past the physical realm, and that you want to find the problem and fix it.

You might need councelling. You dind't say if you were married or not.

Keep in mind this happens to lots of women after having children. And probably the biggest causes of women not having sex are listed above. If she's cheating, she feels guilty. If she feels unattractive, she's lost self confidence. If she's not attracted to you, then she probably would not have had sex with you in the first place so if you've gotten fat - then work on that. And finally, if the flame's out (no spontaneous love), find a babysitter, plan a romantic get-away (even at a local hotel, wine AND champagne, cheese, crackers, oysters topped with black olive slices (if you both are in to that), bubble bath (you'll need a love suite with a hot tub), candles, flowers, and that sort.

The biggest tool you can have to connecting to a woman is not your penis, it's your brain. Work on ways to understand her and talk to her. Women and men will always be very different and not understanding where each other is coming from is a deal breaker. Love involves more than just sex, there is an unknowable power that connects two people together. When that power loses flame, try and find ways to rekindle it.

Answer 2

You need to call a time out and have a serious talk about this. There is obviously some real communication problem going on here. She's not really being fair to you.

But, the bigger question is, are you both being fair to each other? Is this just part of a bigger "game" that you two are playing with each other? What is the underlying cause of your "lame" approaches to sex and her being unable to keep commitments that involve sex? More is going on here than just sexual desire or lack of being attracted to you. There are some fundamental adjustments that need to be made to your relationship. The fact that you are not legally married may have something to do with it, too.

(By the way, "Johnny Chopstick" has a great answer from the female perspective and I recommend that you consider it. Even though she is not terribly sensitive to the way we guys are wired, she is honest and accurate in her assessment of how women are. Read and learn.)

Answer 3

attraction isn't the only motivator for sex.

Give her a reason to want to have sex. Take away all the reasons she may not be thinking about it. Everyone is right: when you are pressured about it, you feel like the person asking for sex doesn't care about you and your needs. How sexy is that?

Why are you asking? You should be convincing. Do that by making sure there is nothing that will distract her from the notion that sex= good. Instead, you're making her think sex=work to make HIM happy. That is not motivating or interesting at all.

If she is doing a lot of housework and taking care of a child, her mind is on a million non-sexy things. You have to remove those distractions. Figure it out. It's not her job to pleasure you, it's your jobs to take some nice quiet time-out together. No one can do that if they are overwhelmed.

Answer 4

She is just tired and the last thing she is thinking of is having sex if your child is awake. I do the same thing, i want it and say yes and then all of a sudden the urge is gone and i'm too tired to even contemplate wanting to have sex, just cut her some slack and allow her to relax. Being a mum is a really hard job and yes i know you work too but you get time out, she has the baby 24 hours a day. it has nothing to do with sexual attraction and everything to do with being worn out, physically and emotionally.

Answer 5

A woman's sex drive is affected much more easily by circumstances, I think, than a man's. A bad day, tired, a sore back, headaches, sress all easily kill my mood. Nagging does too. I think if someone asked me all day if they could have sex with me that night.. he'd be sleeping in the garage. She would have to love you tons to not have tossed you out on your ear after that.

To be honest, how the hell do I know at 8am if I'm going to have any interest in sex at 10pm?? That's a long day and a lot can happen in it. You might consider showing a little more romance, a little more spontaneity, and a little less plotting in your quest for a fulfilled sex life.

I apologize if that's a little rough and I admit that it's a pretty superficial response. Sorry. We just aren't wired the way men are. Her lack of interest in sex probably isn't a lack of love for you or interest in sex with you.. it's just a lack of desire for sex at all after the day she's had.

Answer 6

Try helping out with things around the house. If she is tired all the time, then try cooking dinner, getting the kids settled and let her relax in a nice hot bubble bath or something. Women are always expected to work, take care of the house, cook, clean and have sex too... I get tired after a long days word and don't even want to cook on somedays.

Answer 7

Sometimes interest wanes when your in a long term relationship, especially when you have kids. Instead of pressuring her into it (which is I bet, how she felt) try some romance or doing the dishes for her... I'm serious, a tired mum with a baby will love you for helping with the housework then running a bubble bath for her.

Most men haven't worked out that women are emotional creatures. The way to get sex is not to hassle her then pressure her as to why she won't put out. She may feel unappreciated and tired, help her out and I bet she'll help you out..

Answer 8

Have you ever thought about instead of asking her like it was a chore to her to perform that you treat her like you did when you first started dating her? Females like to be romanced pal. They don't find anything exciting about just pleasing you. They like to know that there are more things on your mind than just how fast you can get get to bed, get your satisfaction, and roll over to go to sleep. If you'd start trying to make things a bit special for her and treating her like a woman instead of your personal sex toy she might find time with you more enjoyable and desirable. Take a lesson from an old man that has learnt a few things over the years. Treat a woman right and you won't be asking them to make love to you - it will be the other way around.

Answer 9

I think that it is time that you ask your 'girlfriend' to marry you instead of treating this relationship like two 'shacking up' people. She probably is waiting for you to ask her to marry her. Eight years is a long time, so why don't you make it a committment so she will see that you are serious in staying together.

You already have a child together. There is something bothering her, so just ask her. I am sure you would want to call her 'your wife' instead of 'my girlfriend', come on, make it a legal contract with her.

Answer 10

Well, that just goes to show that this problem is NOT just for "married couples" only.She probably is tired, but ask her if its ok for you not to go to work becaue you are tired and if you can quit becaue youre tired of being responsible.She will look at you and like your crazy and act as if you lost your mind, then ask her if your supposed to go without physical affection for the rest of your life or if she cant do what you do when you dont feel like going to work and show you some affection anyway, and then MARRY HER YESTERDAY!