What do you say to a drunk who's excuse is they don't remember?

Question

My room mate is a bad drunk and she says stupid and often hurtful things when she's drunk. My sister, who lives next door, was having a birthday party for her friend. My room mate invited herself and started spilling her whole sad life story to my sisters friends and asking them uncomfortable questions. The worst thing was that my sister was just diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and that she has it pretty bad. Well in front of all my sisters friends, some of which didnt know about her illness, my room mate (who sells life insurance) said to my sister, "I think it's time for you to start thinking about setting up life insurance." Later we asked my room mate why she said that and she said, "I don't remember that." She says this often. I think it's an excuse she uses to blame the alcohol and not herself. If she uses this excuse again what should I say to her? How do I put her in her place and tell her off? She's hurting people and she "doesn't remember."

Answer 1

She has a problem. Let her know that it can't be used as an excuse. She is well aware of how much she drinks and how she acts. She needs help. Think of it this way, if she got into a car accident while intoxicated and hurt someone she cant use the, " i dont remember" excuse. She knows her limits and choses to ignore it. Therefore she is well aware of what is happening. Video tape her and show it to her. She will watch herself next time and will be disuaded to drink around you and your family. Tell her straight! She's not just hurting you but people you love. She has a problem and needs help but she can only be helped if she wants it.

Answer 2

First of all let me say I'm am so sorry about your sister. MS can be devastating, but with proper care it's not a death sentence. It was rude, ignorant and insensitive of your room mate to say that drunk or not. This isn't a one time occurance from the sound of it, so there really is no excuse.

Your room mate is an alcoholic and thinks she doesn't have to be responsible for what she does or says while she is drunk. This is not the case. She is still responsible, she consumed the alcohol. I would lay it on the line, that you will not be near her or around her while she is drunk since she is emotionally abusive and unstable. Tell her she has a problem with alcohol and you won't be involved with it anymore. That you are tired of the excuse of her blaming the alcohol, she needs to control her drinking instead of it controlling her. Personally I would consider finding a new room mate. The I don't remember excuse has worn thin. Even if she doesn't remember she chose to drink that much.

Think about it this way, she is responsible if she drove drunk and hurt or killed someone. It doesn't release her of liability because she uses the alcohol as an excuse. So she is still responsible for the hurtful abusive things she says or does. She has been informed the alcohol changes her so they excuse she is not herself is not valid. If she's adult enough to drink she's adult enough to take responsibility. Period.

I doubt you can get her to change but you may have to distance yourself from her.

Answer 3

With all due respect, I think if I had a friend like this I would find an enemy to room with. When a person is that sort of a drunk they will not stop until they hit bottom and admit they have a problem. For some of us that point happens while we are still alive for others it doesn't.

FYI there is nothing, NOTHING, you can do to fix her. She is the one that will have to fix herself. If and when she reaches that point you can provide some support but even then you can't do it for her.

Tough love is probably your best course of action. You really should consider changing roommates.

I'm a drunk, 36 1/2 years sober but still a drunk, just a temporarily dry one.

Answer 4

Your sister is having a private party for a dear friend and it is by invitation only.
Sorry I can't invite you because my sister does not want anything to go wrong,and if you did turn up she would just ask you to leave.
I know you don't remember what you done the last
time in front of her friends, but my sister was mortified and very upset, so invitation only.

Answer 5

Tell her she is a very poor liar.When a person is truly drunk, they are incoherent.As long as they are coherent and can carry on a coherent conversation they arent drunk.The liquour as you said is an excuse to let their true selves show.Liquid courage they call it.Tell her it may be time for your sister to get life insurance, but its past due for her to check into rehab, and for you to find another room mate.

Answer 6

When people are drunk, they are often mean or happy drunks...and I think you know which you friend is, and she may not remember what she does when she drinks. Take video of her the next time and confront her with it...if she doesn't change, then maybe it's time to take care of yourself and leave your friend to her alcohol.

Answer 7

Yeah, I love the "I don't remember" excuse....what a load of crap. She has a drinking problem, and she hurts people because of it. The alcohol only intensifies an already dysfunctional personality...it doesn't CREATE one. Tell her that if she can't put the bottle down, she can't come around the people you care about...that's it.

Answer 8

Next time she's good and drunk, film her. Then invite all HER friends, sisters, etc. to a viewing of the tape.

Answer 9

tell her she has said some hurtfull things and if she keps doing it u cant be friends or she has to give u drinking that ur her friend but enough is enough and tell her life is hard but if she has so many problemsse needs to seek medical help that drining doe not get rid of the pain make sure u tell her u love her and u will be there for her but also make sure she gets help for her problems because she is making her problems other peoples problem

Answer 10

I'd tell her she must not remember her promise to go to AA, either. She's an alcoholic. If she won't go, move out.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash