I told my husband I want a divorce, now what?

Question

I told him I want a divorce, things just are not going to change and neither of us are willing to change what is bothering me most. He makes a good deal of money and I stay at home with our 2 year old and am due in a month with our second. How do I facilitate this? Can I take money from our joint account to pay for my lawyer? Can I stay a "mom"? Any advice appreciated.

I want to add that part of the problem is his devotion to his job, and therefore his "need" to drink to cope. I can't handle the man that comes home at night after he's been out, and I don't want my kids to have to deal either...

Answer 1

you will always be a mom // just a working one

Answer 2

I think you put the cart before the horse here.

What I'd suggest (IMHO) is that you give yourselves some more time before heading for the lawyers office. You might was to have a consultation with one to find out how to proceed, but In the meantime, salt away as much cash in your own name as you can, and put it in a different bank than your joint account is in.

You don't mention what "grounds" you'd be using in the formal Complaint, so it's hard to know who's case is the stronger. Find yourself a good woman attorney and get a free consultation with her. She may tell you that your husband has to pay for the divorce fees, maybe not, I'm not sure how it works in your state.

Have you tried some counselling?
The fact that you've already told him you want the divorce tells me that he'll be on his guard financially from now on and you can try to beat him to the bank account and take your half; you're gonna need it.
If this second child is his, you'll have to ask for child support for both children.

Have you planned out how you'd live, how you'd support both children? I hope you've given this plenty thinking out time and plenty planning time as well.

Under no circumstances should you leave the marital home...let him do it.

I know this sounds kind of crazy, but I'd be on the lookout for some "safe" place where the children and you can run to if it becomes necessary. When I say "safe" I mean somewhere that even your closest friend or relatives don't know about. They'll be the first ones he's apt to look for you. Don't tell ANYONE this location--there's no need to put your loved ones in harm's way. You can reach those you trust by _payphone,_ cell phones location's can be traced. I'd also use a library's computer to check your email just to be on the safe side, have a whole new address (account) set up and use it for your new life. Don't use charge cards.
Open yourself a postal mail box in another town that will be in or near this new safe location. You can mail yourself empty envelopes addressed to your new address so that you can establish residency elsewhere when the time comes.

Make sure you get all the orginal legal documents you'll need for both yourself and the two children and keep them safe (safe deposit box), especially the social security cards of each of you. MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND'S SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER TOO. I believe you can wait a short while to get a social security number for your newborn.

Can you stay a Mom? Hon, you'll always BE a Mom. Whether or not you can retain sole custody is another matter. Here's where the "grounds" come in, especially for him if he has any clout and the $$$ to prove that he's the better parent to have custody. Don't be greedy, but also don't be foolish--your children will need funds as they're growing up for school, for health, for all else kids need.

I wish you much luck. Divorce is never an easy answer and shouldn't be decided quickly.

Answer 3

You didn't say what is bothering you most. Can you tell us?

Before you do anything more, talk with your OB. Then, talk with a therapist. What will change and won't change are always up in the air.

If you can't stay a mom and need to get a job will you stay? Many women out there with two small children used to stay at home and now have jobs. You may become a part of the workforce.

Right now, you have a toddler that requires your 100% attention, your bone-dead tired from being pregnant, no sooner did your body almost get back to normal but you got pregnant again and your hormones are no where near normal and you wonder why you want a divorce. You probably want to pull your hair out as well...but don't.

You desperately need to talk with your OB as soon as you can. Tell him or her about your plans for divorce and ask for help. You're a new mother, you're going to need a lot of help in the years to come.

My very best to you.

Answer 4

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I think with any relationship a separation is hard to deal with. I also would like to state that if you feel deep down inside that you are making the right decision then you probably are. I am not fully aware of your situation, but the more I think of it, the more I imagine what I would do to resolve this....
If I was clearly unhappy, and I didn't see any resolution with him, I would try to make arrangements to move away and get a divorce, I am not a lawyer, but I believe that marriage is an institution between a husband and wife and in essence what is his is also yours, so if you were to get a divorce and you needed to pay for it, you probably could use your husbands money to do so, unless he has frozen his assets from you. If he has and you feel threatened in anyway, and almost as if you can't get out of the situation you are in, there is hope, you can always count on your family or even your friends in this matter, but if you don't have any of that right now, there are other ways of dealing. You can go to a halfway house or perhaps even social services for help, they will pay for your new place and your food and your medical benefits. No matter how hard this may be for you, It also may be a good thing too. what doesn't make us weaker always makes us stronger, but again when referring to this matter, I am not sure of your circumstances, I only hope that what I have said may come in handy and perhaps be help for you. I wish you my best in this matter. I have faith that you will be OK through this even though it may not seem that way right now. I will keep you in my prayers. Here's hoping you get some resolution on this matter.
sincerely,
Jozzy

Answer 5

You should probably try to seek counseling for both of you. See if your husband is willing and both of you try this. Do you know that raising children as a single parent, whether both parents are involved in thier life or not,have a very high chance of having low grades in school,it's harder for them to excel,and some large percent end up in drugs,jails,rehabs and institutions? If you can make it through these difficult times with proffesional help and work out your differences, and come to understand that marriage is a 50\50 commitment,both should give as well as take,and your childrens lives will not be torn to pieces. It's not only hard on the kids but you as well. No man will ever treat your kids the way thier Father does. No other woman will treat your kids as good as you. If you seperate you have to think that you will both eventually remarry. Thats a hard situation for the parents,the step parents and most of all the children. Your a Mom for the rest of your life. If you divorce-reality will set in quickly. You will have to work get the children up and take them to daycare work all day pick the kids up prepare meals,clean house.bathe the kids,get them to bed,take a shower go to bed and start all over. Ther is nothing easy about being a single parent. If you can get help and work your differences out then you and your family will be alot better off all the way around. I wish you the best and may God Bless you and show you the way!

Answer 6

You sound like me. Except I am do next week.
Anyways, if you have a joint account yeah, you can pay for it.
Staying a mom, It depends on what kind of goverment help is out there where you live.
If there is living assistance or you have enough money to get a good lawyer to assist you in financial assistance from the divorce then yeah, you can remain a stay at home mom. Otherwise no, you gunna have to work or something.
Pick and chose your battles is all I can say.

Answer 7

Life is going to suck for you for awhile. You need to move out and get a lawyer. close the bank accounts, he does not have to give you half unless you live in a community property state. Apply for child support and he can take you off his insurance so be prepared for that as well. May I suggest you try to work this out Divorce is not easy or fun. You will need to find some income and being a single parent sucks. Child support authorities don't care and don't help much. So if you depend on him for money and he decides not to pay good luck paying your bills that month. I'm telling you I stayed home w/ my kids at ages 2yrs and 2 months. Asked for a divorce and it was hell. My ex moved to another state and I have never gotten a single red cent. I got a crappy job and suffered so did my kids. I had to go live with my dad for several years. I say please try to work things out. Just because he makes good money doesn't mean anything he won't have to pay anything for you. I mean nothing nada no money. Be preppared to live off the measley child support checks (if any) you get. YOu will only be awarded a percentage. That's if you get custody if he gets a good lawyer he could fight for custody and win. If you have no money how are you paying for your lawyer. My current husband payed over 20 grand for his divorce.

Answer 8

I was 4 months pregnant with my third child when I left my husband. My circumstances were severe though. I haven't spoken to him since the day I left him and he has signed his rights away as a father. Thank Goodness! Yes. You can take money from your joint account because it is after all yours as much as his. And more than likely he will be ordered to pay you money beyond child support even before your divorce is final. And then after your divorce ... if it works out anything like mine did... he will be ordered to continue paying you child support and other money for a set amount of time. Sometimes when we are pregnant our hormones take over. I'm certain what you are feeling is valid but it may not be as severe as you are feeling it is. My advice to you is to hold out for a while and see how you feel a few months after your second angel is born. If it is really bad... by all means get out now. I simply felt there was no other choice so I know how it can be. But really think about it and see how you feel a few months from now. Good luck, God bless and congratulations on your new little one. They really are a blessing.

Answer 9

I am in the same situation, and have talked to a lawyer. A few points...

1. Half the money is yours. Your job has been raising his child.
2. You cannot make him leave, but whoever stays in the house will most likely get the house.
3. The day you serve him with the divorce papers, go ahead and take out a restraining order whether you think he will get ugly or not....this will get him out of the house.
4. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation, just call around.
5. Talk to many of the best lawyers around your area, that way if he tries to hire them, it would be a conflict of interest for them to talk to him.
6. In most states, child support is 17% of his salary (per child).

Good luck....Message me if you just wanna chat.

Melissa

Answer 10

Yes you can take money from the joint account, but you better do it quick before HE takes out the money. Secondly, you will ALWAYS be a MOM, no matter what. Third thing is, sounds like you have already made up your mind that change is out of the question, so don't blame your husband for the failed marriage, at least not in full.

Answer 11

You should talk with him some more if you are serious about a divorce. Getting ready to have a newborn plus having a 2 year old in the house is not easy to handle. You are really going to make life miserable by adding the misery of going thru a divorce at this time.
Why not talk to him and then a minister, priest or marriage counselor first?
"The statement that says....."Can I stay a "MOM"? You will be a mom the rest of your life. what are you trying to say?
I recommend some counseling first and then go from there.