http://www.thedollpalace.com/story/view_story.php?story_id=159107
That's the link. Please be honest...ok? Anything appreciated, just read!
2007-03-16 13:50:17 · 5 answers · asked by Pieces Of Rainbowzz 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I dont really know where you're headed with it yet, but its not a bad start. A couple things. You dont have to show off your vocab by using it in your stories. I dont think "mundanely" fits in the daisy sentence. KISS - you know that expression? Keep It Simple, Silly.
Next the pink bookbag I had bought. PASSIVE. Common mistake we ALL make and later on take out when we reread. You dont need had. The pink bookbag I bought ... see how much stronger it sounds without the had??
Next, learn how to write dialogue properly. "Good morning, kids." The subsitute said quietly.
should be "Good morning kids," the substiute said quietly.
But she didn't teach us anything...not really. But she did make us hand in our literary analysis'.
Avoid ... it's "internet". And dont start sentences with but. Put those two together and you get this ...
"She didnt teach us anything, not really, but she did make us hand in our literary analysis"
You have a nice "voice" - I get the impression you are writing like you were telling me the story aloud - which is good. Just work on your grammar and re-read what you write and correct it. Try reading your work to yourself out loud and I think you would have made several changes - tiny ones.
Keep writing the story. You are ready for some "action" now. You have established the scene - now make something happen. C.
2007-03-16 14:14:32 · answer #1 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it will be a really good story....I want to read more and see what happens now!
2007-03-16 14:30:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i cant tell what its about either i got to the science class was boring. the beginning of your story is boring, "The world seemed normal and cheerful." You obviously have a very boring sheltered life.
2007-03-16 14:29:35 · answer #3 · answered by arikashikari 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Uh, I can't even tell what it's about. Just that you don't like school or something.
I think it needs a major rewrite, it's not well developed yet.
2007-03-16 13:56:36 · answer #4 · answered by dude 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i like it
2007-03-16 18:44:59 · answer #5 · answered by devilicious_angel06 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋