Am I wrong?

Question

I have a friend for going on 31 yrs. We met when we were in the 4th grade and have been through everything togeather. Including children. Her son and my daughter are only moths apart. On my 40th surprise party her whole family came to the party. My daughter and her son who hadn't seen eachother in years have been dating ever since...going on two years. The problem is this...he is worthless!!! he never graduated from highschool and has made no effort to get his GED (he said the teachers at the GED center were mean) He does not work and when he has gotten ajob he always gets fired. He sleeps until 2pm everyday and lives with his parents...He's 20!! My daughter on the other had graduated highschool as a governers scholar , attends college w/a 3.8 gpa and works fulltime for a dermatoligist in the lab. Recently my daughter was complaining about him i made the commit he was worthless and she told him what I said. I then got an angry call from his mother and although I could not lie I .

try to explain myself. Long story short she and my daughter went weeks w/out talking to me. During this time I had surgery and had a real hard time. During this time my friend and daughter shopped, and went to lunch and basicially had a big time. I have made up w/ my daughter But i am still mad at my friend.. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

I'm a mom and even if this is your friends kid you have to look out for your child. Their is no way that I would let my daughter date a looser and not say anything. If your friend would put herself in your shoes she would understand, and If you want to talk to your friend again tell her that. If she is a true friend shell be upset at the comet for a while but will forgive you. Then will probable wake up and say you know what my son is a looser and make him get a job and hopefully a knew place to stay.

Answer 2

Hell emphatically no you aren't wrong. First of all, you are never wrong for telling someone how you feel. If your daughter loves him than that's all fine and dandy but your her mother and if you think she is dating a low life than you have the right to tell her without hearing grief from your friend. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Second of all, no matter what you are going through a friend wouldn't let and argument come between being there for you in your time of need. I have a best friend of five years now and during our second year of friendship we stop speaking for months. During that time I had major surgery. Even though we didn't make up as soon as I was in surgery, she still was by my side hoping I would have a swift and painless recovery. No matter what you guys were going through she still should have been there for you.

Answer 3

No you aren't wrong, you're just being the caring and concerned mother you're supposed to be. BUT- your daughter and her boyfriend are now adults and can figure out what they should do on their own, with or without your help. I understand the need to get involved, and to look out for your daughter's best interest- but as your daughter gets older, you're gonna have to give her space.

As intelligent as you describe your daughter to be, I am very sure she realizes the state her boyfriend is in- and she was trying to talk to you by expressing her complaints. In the future, it's wiser to just listen- share your opinions, but leave the decision up to your daughter to make. She'll realize it sooner or later, because she'll remember that in the back of her head - "mothers are always right".

Answer 4

Well its ok to tell your daughter what you think about her bf, but i dont know if i would go calling him worthless, i mean yeah you have a say in it but she should decide what she wants in life. Maybe you can give her some pointers in the relationship and ask her if that is what she really wants, and if she says yes, then just let it be. About your friend, just tell her that you were thinking what was best for your daughter and maybe her son would be good for someone else but for your daughter you think she needs someone more responsible.

Answer 5

Your friend and daughter should have supported you during your surgery, and your daughter shouldn't have repeated your comment, but you insulted them deeply when you insulted your future son-in-law.

"Worthless" is a very harsh term - you should have said that you think he needs to get his act together, needs to start taking responsibility for his life, needs more ambition... but to declare that he is forever and entirely worthless without any redeeming value... that's really hurtful. I'm sure you want the best for your daughter, but insulting her fiance is not the way to do it. Have you considered him from her point of view? He must have some redeeming qualities for an intelligent girl like her to love him so much - you should trust her judgment, even if you don't agree with it.

I think you need to make the first move and be the bigger person by calling up yoru friend and apologizing to her (and your daughter, and her fiance if he is aware of the comment). Also let your friend know that you really missed her presence and support during your time of need.

Answer 6

I think you are looking out for your child and doing exactly what a mother should (usually) do. I know my mom would probably be doing the same thing for me if she didn't believe in a relationship or even a friendship that I was involved in. I think you are completely right. As your daughter telling the bf what you said (calling him worthless), I think that was a little harsh and anything that you told her she should not be tattling to the boyfriend.

Answer 7

I think that this conversation should have taken place between you and your friend years and years ago when you should have been trying to help find ways to help her and supporting her to work with her son so things could or would be different for them now. I think that even if these two got married, and even if she agreed to be the one that supported the household while he took care of the house and kids that it would come between you and your friend one way or another. I think it is to late to mend this friendship. Yes you are close to them so you have to weigh that in, but how much will you be able to take as time goes on? It seems to me that you are disapproving of these people without really wanting to say it and that is not really a friend in my mind. There are ways of saying things in a nice and supportive way, and there are also ways to avoid things so that you can deal with people, but a close friendship has its ups and downs and if it is going to continue to have anything it must have lots of openness and honesty and acceptance. I just don't see this being the real way it is? I could be wrong.

Answer 8

No. I'm sure that if the roles were reversed she would have felt the same. She needs to realize that , while you two will always be friends, you are always looking out for your daughter. Maybe she "went off" because deep down she felt the exact same way about him and hearing someone else say it just confirmed it. I think that if he wasn't her son that she would be telling you the same thing about him. If she's a real friend then maybe she'll see what you mean.

Answer 9

At this point, it doesn't really matter who was right and who was wrong. What you need to decide is whether these two relationships are worth it to you to save.
It is really sad that your daughter and best friend abandoned you during a tough time in your life. On the other hand, you daughter might feel abandoned by you during a tough time in her relationship.
What you need to do now is make your end of it right. You need to apologize to your daughter and to your best friend. I would mention to your daughter that what you said to her was supposed to be in confidence, how would she like it if you told her boyfriend she was complaining about him? Obviously it is not a great sign of respect on her part to tell him someone's negative opinion of him, was she using you (and your comment) to vent her own frustrations on him?
To your best friend I would mention that you were expressing your personal opinion to your daughter and that you are sorry. You never would have mentioned this opinion to her (your best) or her son because you felt it was not your place.
DO NOT FORGET THAT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINION.
That part is not "wrong," the manner in which it was delivered was.
No one is saying this guy isn't a bum, but you might want to think about his connection to two very important people in your life.
Also, if your daughter is as smart as you say she'll figure out he isn't her equal and get rid of him on her own. Give her time to learn this and sort it out. Part of her problem may be disconnecting from a family that has obviously been a part of her whole life in such a way that doesn't leave any bad feelings.
Be there for her as much as you can, but learn from this and choose what you say to her wisely, because she is obviously still growing up too.

Answer 10

Nothing was wrong with your comment. The truth hurts people say. But the worse thing you can do is down talk your daughters bf, because it is always a fact that it draws them closer some how. Only until she gets fed up with supporting them will she move on to find BETTER. As to your friend she will just have to get over it!