I'm pregnant...and my friends are struggling with infertility?

Question

I just found out I'm pregnant. I have 3 friends that have always struggled with infertility. Right now, two of them are trying to get pregnant and have been trying since September 2006. (one is even doing treatments.)

I got pregnant by accident-- How can I tell them I'm pregnant without crushing them?

Answer 1

First, it sounds like you are already being really sensitive to their feelings by asking this question and thinking about it in advance. This sensitivity will come across to your friends, and they will appreciate it.

As a person who has been TTC#1 for 8 years, here are a few suggestions:
-Just be honest and tell them you are PG. Let them guide the conversation from there. They will probably ask all sorts of questions and be happy for you.
-Don't mention the accident part unless they ask, and don't emphasize this fact. Of course, infertile women understand that while our bodies aren't working right, other women's do and that surprises can happen. But if a woman dwells on it, it sort of feels like bragging to us.
-Give them time to adjust. It takes a little getting used to when a friend gets PG, and you are more likely to get some enthusiastic responses when they aren't in the initial shock phase.
-Tell them individually if you can. By phone is OK. It helps because if they are shocked, they can deal with it on their own terms. The phone is good b/c if it hurt them, they will NOT want to you to see it, and it is easier to keep your voice sounding normal than your voice and your whole face.

You are so sweet for thinking of your friends during this time when it is so easy to get carried away by joy! As a very lucky woman who has been supported by many kind friends during my struggle, I am always amazed and grateful to my pals who try so hard to protect my feelings. Your friends will be very grateful for your sensitivity, as well, and even if it is a bit of a shock, they will be so happy for you during your pregnancy! Congrats.

Answer 2

Hi -
I think that you need to approach this topic with a lot of carefulness. Many people here said that if they're your true friends they will understand, ya that is true but you still must be very careful. After you tell them you might need to give them some time and they might pull away for a bit first. I have also been trying to get pregnant since July 2006 but so far no luck. Everytime one of my friends or coworkers tells me that they are pregnant it really hurts. They will want to be happy for you but it is going to be really hard for them to be so especially right away. I know that everytime someone tells me I feel like why is it always the ones who aren't trying that get all the babies and the ones that want babies so bad never get them or have to go through hell and back just to have one. I am sure that they might think the same thing at first too. After my friends told me I did need some time alone and then I was able to be fully happy for them - even now I am planning a baby shower for one of my friends. Always afterwards it makes me question myself if I will ever be able to have a baby or not, If god wants me to have a baby ever, If it is just not my time yet, and so on. I hope that this will give you a little insight into what they will be thinking and feeling when you do tell them and it will help you to be able to approach the subject a litlle more carefully and more comfortably... =) CONGRATS!

Answer 3

I've been struggling with infertility for 3 years, and just completed an IVF cycle that failed. In that time I have had 10 friends have "ooops" pregnancies.

Your friends will be happy for you, but sad for themselves. It's nothing against you, and there is no way to break it gently. I'm sure they won't be crushed, just have little pangs of jealousy.

Your going to be exited and want to talk about your pregnancy to any one that will listen, and that's okay. The only thing you can do with your friends is be aware of their feelings. Personally, I have my good days and bad. Sometimes I'm okay with talking about their pregnancies and babies, but some days I get angry and jealous and just can't hear about it. I keep an open and honest relationship with my friends where I would tell them I was having one of those days and they would not talk about their pregnancy. They would try to focus the conversation on things other than babies.

Congratulations!

Answer 4

Be honest. They will probably be more hurt if you hide the news from them. If these were really friends they should be happy for you. I can understand how they would feel as I have a 10 month daughter who has been in the hospital very sick most of her life. I have a co-worker who has a baby a few months younger and always brings her to work. Some days i leave crying and jealous and others it is a relief to see a healthy baby. I am always happy for her though.

Answer 5

This is like a lot of things in life. It could be anything: you could have gotten a good job offer while your friend is unemployed. This sort of thing happens all the time and I'm sure it's happened to you in the past.

First of all, congratulations. Now, during the time your friends have been trying to conceive, millions of other women in the world have gotten pregnant and it has had no impact one way or the other on your friends' fertility.

Are you afraid of drawing attention to something that has been bothering them? After three months of trying I don't think it has slipped to the back of their minds. It's very considerate of you to be concerned about their feelings.

I think you should just tell them, but be sensitive. Don't spend too much time going on and on about it and be ready to reassure them. Chances are, they'll put on a happy face to share in your happiness even if they are sad inside.

Later on, one of them will get pregnant and how will the other feel? She'll need good friends to talk to.

I really hope you all get the beautiful babies you want.

Answer 6

I am in the infertile boat, and I have had similar experiences with friends and my younger sisters, while I am having struggles with fertility I would in no way want anyone around me to hide their pregnancy or worry about my issues, I am very happy for anyone else that becomes pregnant, no matter how they became pregnant, a true friend will be happy for you, even though she may have twinges of envy, I don't know anyone that is healthy that would be anything but happy for you.

Answer 7

Bless you for thinking of your friends struggling with infertility! So many people don't understand and certainly don't worry about the "crushing" blow that you refer to. Kudos to you for caring so deeply about your friends to be concerned.

Speaking from the infertility side, anytime that we hear of a pregnancy, our heart does hurt a bit. But it is NOT that we are not happy for our friends. I am always delighted to spoil a new baby in our friendship circle, but it does remind me of the problems we are having and the fact that I will never experience childbirth.

You need to sit with your friends and tell them that you are concerned for how they feel. They will be happy for you, I'm sure. But also express to them that you are still there to listen to their struggles also. If you know that they are in a "no hope" situation and you are comfortable with having them become involved with your pregnancy (i.e. going to lunch after a doctors appt), etc, ask if they would be interested. I will never be able to carry a child, but I would LOVE to experience a childbirth by being a coach, etc. But I would never have the guts to ask anyone if I could intrude on their special moment like that.

Just remember that friends are friends through good times and bad. The fact that you are concerned enough about your friends feelings and emotions, shows how special they are to you, and I'm sure they feel the same about you.

Congratulations!

Answer 8

i am suffering from infertility and for the past few months a few of my cousins and friends have been getting pregnant. i've gone to about 6 babyshowers in the past few months and i just found out i need to expect some more.

in my head i was like wow, before me. it stung a little but i was happy for them more than anything. i would never make them feel bad. if they were your real friends after the shock and feelings of jealousy they should congratulate u. just be easy when u tell them.

congratulations, i am not jealous! :-)

Answer 9

That's really nice of you to think about their feelings. It is hard to hear that somebody close to you is pregnant when they haven't even been trying but one get over that. You just have to be honest and tell them you are pregnant, it Will bring them some sadness, unfortunately there is no better way to tell them without making them sad, but they will be happy for you.

Answer 10

1st f all congratulations:)
i am so happy 4 you though i am also traveling in the boat of infertility:) but believe me i am always so happy and excited for my all friends who got pregnant after me and have kids:) This is blessing to see yours loved ones having the most beautiful gift of God:) so if they are ur TRUE friends they will be sooooooooo happy for you and they should.. and if they are not... i am sorry they are not ur friends then, may be your are concerned that they might ll feel hurt but why would they? just wish them luck and don't think abt these small issues, friendship is really more than that, your real friends always share your pain and happiness regardless of what they are going through, i enjoy to visit my friends who have kids and i love to do shopping 4 their kids, i am trying to get pregnant since 2003 and i was the 1st one who got married among 9 friends:) now they all are married and having one or 2 kids and i am always happy for them because i know they wish the same for me and they will be happy for me when i will have my kids:)
Take care and again Many congratulations for this exciting time, enjoy your pregnancy:)