I just found out recently that my husband has another child with his ex girlfriend (who already has 2 children for him). We have been married a little over 6 years and this child is 6 years old. This child was born about 3 months before we got married. We werent really broken up at the time but it was a long distance relationship and I was dating but it wasn't anything serious. He knew about the child but kept it a secret from me for all these years. I want to leave him but I have invested 6 years married (12 years total) with him and I love him dearly but I dont think I can get over this. I dont know what to do. Please help!!!
2007-03-16 11:52:04 · 56 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you may ahve to talk to someone-maybe your priest or a therapist-in your heart you have to come to grips with it-then try and make it work-its not ideal but the kids shouldnt be made to suffer-you may forgive but you wont forget and it will make you stronger-good luck
2007-03-23 05:16:53 · answer #1 · answered by baseballlover 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it helps, think of it this way: even though you say you weren't broken up at the time he was with this woman, you say you were dating. Doesn't matter if it was serious or not.
The fact that you were dating took him 'off the hook' as far as his dating went - he had a right to date. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain - I'm surprised you were able to keep it going enough to marry the guy!
If you have been married 6 years, how have those years been? I agree that it was very wrong for him to keep this child a secret but I'm guessing he didn't think you would marry him if you knew about it.
His ex-girlfriend is really the party that loses in this. She has 3 children by him but unless he is paying some pretty hefty child support, I doubt that her life is not rough having 3 children without the benefit of marriage. Your husband does not sound like he is still 'with' this woman. If the last 6 years have made you happy, I would give him a break with the caveat that you are trusting him but you are not stupid.
2007-03-24 02:12:28 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love your husband you will get over it----you clearly state that you were dating someone else at the time it happen!
The only part bad is that he kept the truth of the child a secret. Maybe he did not think you would understand or that you would be hurt that is the reason for not telling you.
Evidently you are the person he loves because he married you!
Discuss all aspects of this problem with him and let him know exactly how you are felling!
2007-03-24 08:21:35 · answer #3 · answered by destine4_69 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
leave him quickly.i have been in this situation just not married but i found out he had 2 more children and things only get worse and my mother had to put it to me this way she said brittinye if he will lie to you about something big like a child then just think of what else he lies to you about and could be hiding and in a way ur husband was not claiming his own child what kind of a man is that .leave him alone let it go i know its easier said than done . the good years that you have spent together will not compare to the long and hard ones you will face if you stay with him it will always be in the back of your mind and you will never fully trust him again .and then he cheated on you right before you got married long distance relationship or next door nighbors it doesnt matter a liar is a liar and a cheater is a cheater .I have been through it .yes its hard at first and you will go through some things but in the long run it gets better in the end and you will find that RIGHT person that was ment 4 you and will never decive you.good luck
2007-03-16 14:27:35 · answer #4 · answered by brittinye007 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Look the x may have been dating around too...so she may not have actually known who the father was anyway. Has you husband cheated on you in the six years that you have been married? If not.....then just get over it....but first make sure you ask him....if there are anymore children that you need to know about that is younger than 6......If he has been faithful, stay and work it out....He may not have found out that the child was not his for some time after it was born....and unless a DNA test is done I would not believe it anyway.
Best of luck
2007-03-16 12:50:34 · answer #5 · answered by mrs_endless 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he kept that from you, what else is he hiding? For all you know, he's living a double life! A relationsip lacking trust, is no relationship worth staying in. Time invested in a relationship is not a reason to stay. Your happiness, self respect and well being are.
BTW, you had a long distance relationship with your now husband and you were dating?!! Don't kid yourself that it wasn't anything serious. Is so, you should have been content with your distance love. If it 'aint broke, don't fix it, right? The fact is you both were unfaithful during your relationship and then you got married?!! Seems though you weren't ready for marriage at all, and now you're both paying the price -- you both have commitment issues. Seek counselling.
2007-03-24 03:37:37 · answer #6 · answered by Mocha Chocolate 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The issue is trust then I could understand why you would want to leave. The guy kept this from you for 6 years. Forget the time you invested it makes no difference. Either you can trust him or you can't. Why live a lie, you now know this what else is there hidden that will soon come up. I am sure it took allot of energy and stories to hide this kid for 6 years. I would take a break and clear your head before I make any decisions.
2007-03-23 08:35:40 · answer #7 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do believe that you have the right to be VERY upset that he didnt tell you about the baby all this time,and I think you should express your feelings to him regarding that,but I dont think that you you should get a divorce over it,because technically he is only guilty of getting the person HE was dating at the time pregnant,and not telling you.He didnt "cheat" on you,because you admitted that you were dating someone else also at that time-even though it wasnt serious.Just because he got the girl pregnant doesnt mean that his relationship was "serious",he just made an oopsie in the process.So Im sorry to say that the only thing he is guilty of is not telling you about the ooopsie.But you do need to find out how you both are going to get through this,because you are his WIFE now.Dont take off your crown......
2007-03-24 10:21:34 · answer #8 · answered by luv11syng 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sorry you are faced with this. With time, you will get over this whether you stay with or leave your husband. The question is how do you truly feel about a man who kept a child a secret from you? Or try this--what kind of advice would you give to your best friend if she was in the same situation?
2007-03-24 11:28:19 · answer #9 · answered by MNature 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The neat and clean answer is to get counseling together if you truly love him and want to work it out. But let's be real babydoll...this has put a dark stain on everything you have been building. Nothing will be good enough anymore and you will always wonder what else is he hiding. If that's how you want to live then go for it. But real talk, six years is a long time to build one thing and find out it's something totally different. And oh yes it is something different than you thought because now it is out in the open that it was all built on a big fat lie by omission........that you know of anyway.
2007-03-21 10:05:46 · answer #10 · answered by chocolategoldnc1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You used the key word, love. If you love him you can forgive him. Was everything okay before you found out about the child? Has he been secretly supporting and seeing the child?
Knowing this might be very difficult, but tell him how you feel and ask him what he expects of you now that you know. Have him tell you what he plans on doing now that it is out in the open. You also need to meet his woman and child if you stay with him.
2007-03-23 10:24:26 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋