All smart english people, may you please read this :)?

Question

I have a Univeristy application form that I need to hand in soon, but this paragraph here seems a bit choppy or just weird, I was hoping if someone may proof-read this and let me know if there are any mistakes or errors, Thanks :)

Throughout high school, I have done a lot of volunteer work. Few that I believe are the most beneficial and significant to me are the humanitarian work I did. For example, over the past few summers, I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America. I participated in many food drives, cloth drives, and other sorts of humanitarian services. All the proceeds that we received from our food drives were forwarded to the Daily Bread food Bank. They complimented us and told us that our community had donated the most amount of food then any other community in Toronto. Furthermore, we collected money for the devastating natural disaster known as the Tsunami. We organized an event known as the Tsunami Relief. My friend and I collected well above $200. There is other volunteer work I did which was beneficial in its own way, but the humanitarian services I did, the experience was priceless.

Answer 1

Try to write in short and direct sentences. "I did a great deal of volunteer work throughout high school. The humanitarian work I did was the most significant to me and, I hope, for those I helped. Over the past few summers, for example, I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America and also participated in food and clothing drives, as well as other charitable services (don't overuse one word like humanitarian--find synonyms).We donated the food we received to the Daily Bread Food Bank. That food bank was highly complimentary of our efforts and told us our community had donated the greatest amount of food in Toronto. We also collected aid for the Tsunami relief fund, totaling greater than $200 from just me and one friend. We also organized a Tsunami Relief benefit event. I have done a great deal more volunteer work that was beneficial to other needy groups and individuals, but perhaps the greatest benefactor was myself. The experience of helping others in distress has been the most rewarding experience in my life. I have learned from these activities that it is truly more beneficial to give than to receive, but the greatest learning experience was the gift of caring that I was able to experience directly." . This is a little short for a University essay, but it's just one paragraph, right? And-btw-bless you for these efforts. The world would be a better place if more people acted like humanitarians instead of just complaining about politics or lamenting the plight of the poor and disenfranchised victims of natural and political catastrophes.

Answer 2

I feel that most of your original writing is ok.

Throughout high school I volunteered for many charitable causes. During these experiences I found that humanitarian services were the most beneficial and significant, especially those offered by the Islamic Circle of North America. Over the past few summers I assisted the organization with many of their food and clothes drives and other humanitarian services. All the proceeds that we received from our food drives were forwarded to the Daily Bread Food Bank. The food bank complimented us and told us that our community had donated more food than any other community in Toronto. In addition we organized an event known as the Tsunami Relief during which we collected over $200 for the victims of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. Of all the causes for which I volunteered, I found that my experiences in humanitarian services are priceless.

Answer 3

Throughout high school, I have done a lot of volunteer work. What I believe is the most beneficial and significant to me is the humanitarian work I did. For example, over the past few summers, I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America(state what you did with the Islamic Circle of North America). I participated in many food drives, clothing drives, as well as other sorts (name them) of humanitarian services. All the proceeds that we received from our food drives were supplied to the Daily Bread food Bank. They complimented us in our hard work and had told us that our community donated the most amount of food than any other community in Toronto. Furthermore, we collected money for the devastating natural disaster known as the Tsunami. We had organized an event called the Tsunami Relief. My friend and I collected well above $200. There is other volunteer work I did which and was beneficial in its own way, but the humanitarian services I participated in, was a priceless experience.

Hope this helped.

Answer 4

Throughout high school, I have done a lot of volunteer work. A few experiences that I believe are the most beneficial and significant to me are volunteering for the Islamic Circle of North America, participating in many food drives, clothing drives, and other sorts of humanitarian services. All the proceeds that we received from our food drives were forwarded to the Daily Bread food Bank. They complimented us and told us that our community had donated more food then any other community in Toronto. In addition, we collected money for Tsunami victims. We organized an event known as the Tsunami Relief. My friend and I collected well over $200. I have done other volunteer work, and it was beneficial in its own way, but my experiences with humanitarian service were priceless.

Answer 5

I copied your paragraph to Word and did some editing and proofreading. Here is what I came up with. Good luck!

Throughout high school, I did a lot of volunteer work. The most beneficial and significant to me were the humanitarian work I did. For example, over the past few summers, I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America. I participated in many food drives, clothing drives, and other sorts of charitable activities. Any money we made from our food drives were given to the Daily Bread Food Bank. They told us that our community had donated the more food then any other community in Toronto. Furthermore, we collected money for the Southeast Asia Tsunami. We organized an event known as the Tsunami Relief. My friend and I collected more than $200. There has been other volunteer work I did which was beneficial to the community such as __________, but the humanitarian work I did was a priceless experience for me.

--I thought you didn’t make money from food drives. I thought you collected food. You may want to explain that some.
--I’m not sure if the Tsunami is called or even happened in “Southeast Asia,” but you don’t have to explain what a tsunami is or how devastating it was to the college.
--You should say something about why your humanitarian work was a “priceless experience.” I think that’s what they may want to know—how it affected you.

Answer 6

Throughout high school, I have done a lot of volunteer work. The humanitarian work I did was the most beneficial and significant to me. For example, over the past few summers I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America. I participated in many food drives, clothing drives, and other sorts of humanitarian services. All the proceeds that we received from our food drives were forwarded to the Daily Bread food Bank. They complimented us and told us that our community had donated the most amount of food then any other community in Toronto. Furthermore, we collected money for the devastating natural disaster known as the Tsunami by organizing an event known as the Tsunami Relief. Together, my friend and I collected well above $200. All of the other volunteer work I participated in was beneficial in its own way, but for the humanitarian services the experience was priceless.

Answer 7

Throughout my high school years, I have done a lot of volunteer work. The most beneficial and significant to me is the humanitarian work I did. For example, over the past few summers, I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America. I participated in many food drives, clothes drives, and other humanitarian services. All the proceeds that we received from our food drives were forwarded to the Daily Bread Food Bank. They complimented us and told us that our community had donated the most amount of food of any other community in Toronto. Furthermore, we collected money for the devastating Tsunami. We organized an event known as the Tsunami Relief. My friend and I collected above $200. Of all of the volunteering work I have participated in the humanitarian services were the most rewarding.

Answer 8

I'll offer a rewrite for your comparison. But see previous response for an apt point.

I did a lot of volunteer work while in high school. I volunteered for the Islamic Circle of North America, collecting food and clothing for the Daily Bread Food Bank. We also organized a tsunami relief fund, for which I and a friend collected over C$200. I consider this experience to have been invaluable.

Answer 9

(I read it anyway, wanted to see what the smart people were doing) Suggestions:
First sentence: I did a lot of volunteer work throughout high school, the most significant to me being the humanitarion ones.
cloth drives--should be clothing drives
sorts--should be kinds
Daily Bread Food Bank (or food bank, if that's not part of its name)
donated more food than
there is--just remove those two words

Answer 10

I can easily improve your paragraph. But if you can't learn to improve it yourself then you will have a difficult time at the university. After turning in someone else's work, the school will soon find out it was not your work just by conversing with you. You may end up putting yourself in a position that's over your head.