Married...Having an Affair...Non-Judgemnetal Advice Needed Please.?

Question

Please only answer if you have something constructive to say, as I already know this whole this is wrong, and I just need some help. My situation is this:::
I recently married my long-term b/f of 6 years this past year. I have always felt we were more "friends" than lovers and I guess some would say that we both settled for what was comfortable when we married. I try to be "intimate" with him but it feels very forced, and he is not a very romantic &/or sexual person towards me. (e.g.- he only kisses me when he wants sex...which is once every three weeks if I'm lucky). I have tried to talk to him, but the communication is lacking as well- and he just gets defensive with me.
On the flip side, where I am at fault...is that my heart has always been with an ex of mine who I have now just started sleeping with again (well, twice since married). Our chemistry has always been amazing, and I've always wished he was the one I married..except he never wanted marriage so we split.
Making this

(cont.) more complicated, I have an 11 year old son that adores my husband and I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm so depressed and sad and feel lonely with my husband..yet I miss my ex that I can't have. Any advice/help would be appreciated. Please, again dont bother replying if you cant be mature as I'm already not proud of myself. Thank you all.

Answer 1

I commend you for being candid and honest.

My advice to you is to think about your future an dyour son's futteue. Is your husband a good man? A good provider? A nurturing father? A respctful man taht is there for you?

If the answer is YES, then dear, you have what most women want. The truth is dear, that the sex will eventually fade away and what you get to last if the companionship and the friendship. Youc an get many lovers that make you hit the roof in bed but that they will not be there for you when is time to pay your bills, take care of your child or push your wheelchair when you are 65.

Youcan get many lovers in your life but few or none that are willing to be there for you, have a family and grow old with you.

It's human to make mistakes but is godly to admit it and fix it.

My honest advice is that if you want your marriage to work, you must stop the relationship with your ex-bf.

You can try other forms of communication with your husband. Arguing, cold shoulder, ignoring each othe etc, are not going to help him be more affectionate towards you.

I belive that marriage counseling or/and sex therapy can work for you too. A second honeymoon is also overdue.

Best of luck !!!!!! and best wishes,

I wish you to be happy

Answer 2

Your highest priority in your life should be your 11 year old son. That should make all the rest of this very easy. Do what's in his best interests, not yours. Pretty soon he will be 18 and out of the house, and then you can put your love life back on the top of the list. It's very simple. YES it hurts and you've made a bad decision, but don't compound it by continuing to make bad decisions. You know cheating on your husband is dishonorable, so stop it. Just because you FEEL a certain way does not mean you have to ACT a certain way. Take control of your actions and your behavior. If you continue on this selfish and self destructive behavior, you will only dislike yourself more and more, and then you'd be worthless as a mother and role model to your son. YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND, just make the decision, come up with a plan, and execute it.

Answer 3

Many people these days marry for the wrong reasons. You happen to be one of these people. Why make a vow when you know you didn't love him in the first place?

My advice is to get a divorce and not worry about what others and your 11 y/o will think. As long as you tell your kid the truth, that's all that matters.

You're only hurting your husband more if you stay in the relationship.

Answer 4

First, NEVER settle. See what happens? You're doing a disservice to yourself and your husband.

Second, either fix the marriage or get out of it. By cheating you not only okay yourself to be cheated on, but also are building up some major bad karma.

Third, the child will be fine, whatever you do. Don't stay in an unsatisfactory marriage because you think that's what your kid wants. All the child will learn is that marriages are unhappy and cheating is okay. They are a LOT more perceptive than people give them credit for.

Get your life back on track, try to be the type of person you'd want to be with (and I don't imagine 'cheater' would be on any criteria list you'd write for a partner), and stop being the cause such unhappiness for yourself and contributing to that of others.

Answer 5

.Tell you husband that your having an affiar own up. If you care about him at all tell him, your sleeping with another guy though you like the idea of him playing daddy. You are using your husband and your Ex is using you, you use him as a babysitter, you use your ex as a sexual outlet and he gets a free ride at your and your husbands expenses. Moreover, gets what he wants sex without a commitment. Tell your husband how you feel about you sex/romance life. Please own up your husband sounds like like a decent guy and at least deserves the truth, best of luck. And at this point whatever happens happens, Also if you knew this intimacy problem before you married him this is not your husbands fault. Where you looking for you current husband to be a father for your son instead of your husband, that is unfair. What if you get pregnant by this ex does he care about you NO he doesnt will he be a father NO he wont. If he is sleeping with you a married woman who else is he sleeping with also what if you get an STD and give it to your husband. All i can say is TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH.

Answer 6

Wow...well..you have to make yourself happy and your son mostly. Your ex is not willing to give you marriage which is what you would want, a commitment from him. however, your husband is not satisfying you romantically. Did you ever think that maybe, you should not be with either of them. You should be on your own and realiize what you want in life. can you see yourself living the rest of your life with your spouse now? And will you resent him for staying later in life? In all honesty, you owe your husband the truth and for him to be free. If you dont love him, maybe you should think about your next step. It's hard not to say this, but I feel you are being very selfish. Never settle, because it never works out. Maybe see a therapist to help you sort it all out.
Best Wishes

Answer 7

I'm sorry you are in this situation I'm sure it must be horrible. I think maybe you owe it to your husband to tell him the truth because if the shoe was on the other foot wouldn't you want to know? Also in this type of situation somebody is going to get hurt even if its only you (keeping this all bottled up or living a lye). I can't give you first hand experience and every situation is different. Do whats best for you and your son. I wish you luck and really hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 8

HI,

This is just my opinion...so take what you like and throw the rest away!!
OK, The future of you being happy in your marrige doesen't look very promising. I would suggest divorcing for the betterment of all concerned. DON'T CONFESS ...why hurt the man because of your guilty concience. Once you are separated and honest again {no judgement here} then carry on with the ex or anyone you want ....but for your mental...emotional..well your total well being the betrayal needs to stop.....you wouldnt be asking for advice in this forum if you were happy with everything going on in your life. We are human ....we make choices some better than others ...we have no right to judge anyone untill we have truly walked in thier shoes. As for all else ...I have no idea how things will turn out for you ...except that by becoming an honest person...you will be set free.....life is not easy..it is not fair ....but we all have to do our part to be the best we can be and be kind and as honest as we can be . Youve got a tough road ahead ....don't worry youll be glad you found this road. I wish for you strenth ....and to be able to allow yourself to be happy for it is truly a choice...think about everything.....maybe you dont like this ex as well as you think.....many surprises come with time .....something eles always keep a sense of humor ...if you dont ..everything gets twisted out of proportion....and if you need a gaurantee???buy a toaster...
{i stole that line from Clint Eastwood}......be true to you ...be happy!


Peace

Answer 9

Get rid of the ex. I realize that you have feelings for him and you feel like you are not compatible with your husband the same way, but if you put enough work into it I think you can end up being very happy with your husband. As of now things with your husband have no chance because you have the grass is greener syndrome as long as you keep your ex involved. If you drop him completely, and start focusing all the energy your spending focusing on why life with your ex would be so much better, into what you can do to make your marriage satisfying, you can make it work, most people realize when they get married that they aren't as compatible as they thought, and that is why marriage takes work and commitment. I'm sure part of your husbands attitude with the situation and lack of affection has to do with the fact that he can sense that you're not happy, and when faced with things like that a lot of men tend to shut down. You need to focus on your husband, start figuring out what you can do to make him happy, because when people feel happy and loved they tend to go out of their way to give their partners the same feelings.

Answer 10

Well, you can do one of a few things:

1) keep your f buddy (try not to get caught)
2) divorce your husband and marry your f buddy (this probably won't last though, since your attraction seems mostly physical)
3) talk to your husband and get him to take viagra (and tell him to read up on how to have sex better, there are many websites that will teach you this for free!).

You are at fault for marrying this current guy and still having raging hormones for the other guy (who wouldn't commit).

You have more stable feelings for your husband (raging hormones aren't stable and don't last, believe me), but you want your cake and you wanna eat it too (your f buddy). If I were you, I'd work on getting some good sex tips and viagra for your husband, and ditch your f buddy. In the long run you and your kid will be better off, and you won't feel as guilty for cheating on him.