Just need some advice here. Been living common law with bf for over 5 years. He had been kept from his kids from his ex for 7 years, when he finally got to see them again. This is great love the kids(twin boy/girl 15 boy 12) they like me. This is good. About 6 months ago his daughter begged him never to marry me(dont know why, she likes me and all) He PROMISED her hed not marry me, last night he asked me to marry him this summer. That is ok, I was good with the common law thing though. Ive been thinking about this, and what if it ruins the relationship that he finally has with his kids? I love him and I love them, But I dont want to rock the boat either. I know he loves me or he wouldnt have asked, but how are we going to tell the kids.????Hes already been 7 years with out them, I dont want to be the reason for anymore time seperated from them. Any advice?
2007-03-16 09:21:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Talk to your step-daughter one on one and find out what she thinks of you and her dad marrying someday - don't mention the proposal. See where she stands on the issue and see what you can do to convince her that you love them all and wouldn't want to miss out on any of them blah, blah, blah... and hear what she'll have to say. Do you think her mother is behind her asking her father NOT to marry you?? What would be the girl's reason otherwise?
2007-03-16 09:29:28 · answer #1 · answered by Popsy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't believe children should run or ruin adults lives, it is only if we allow them to do so. The truth needs to be told, I know in both of your excitement in finally getting to see the children you made promises.
To me, it seems as though the daughter wants to have some type of control and all children always dream of their parents getting back together somehow so this can possibly be why she said promise me, you won't marry her. This was her way in marking her territory - You both need to sit down with the children in a public place and share how you are feeling and that you both had made some life changing decision and that you are planning to be married and that you would like for them to be part of your lives and part of your wedding plans. You can even ask her to be one of your bridesmaids, and if you are not in a strained relationship with his ex to show the kids that you are trying to make them all a part of your lives, and dependent upon how he feels, make ex an usher or some small part in the wedding.
Hopefully, they can see that the only thing that will be changing in this is your last name.
2007-03-16 16:38:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the children will just have to deal with the fact that you two are adults and they are the children. make them aware that when they grow older you won't try to dictate who they should marry so they should try to accept this decision because it is what it is.
Really you shouldn't be looking for acceptance from the kids . but the law here in the US makes it clear that a parent cannot keep another from seeing any child that is his/hers , so i question why he didn't go to court to get this strait with the ex. even if he is late on child support he cannot be kept from seeing them.
whats the worst that can happen? they get mad? they are going to have to learn that dad is not a pushover and if they get away with this dictating what dad can or cannot do, then the situation will get worse. so, if you don't want a bunch of crying spoiled kids running around you must stand your ground today
2007-03-16 16:33:58 · answer #3 · answered by Hi its me again 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Who cares? You two NEED to be married. Common law? What if you two have kids? What kind of example is that setting for them? It's not ok to live with a boyfriend, have kids, and not be married! That's sending the wrong message to them, and he should be ashamed right now. Having a 15 year old boy and girl, and a 12 year old? They are going to start bringing their significant others home and living with them too! Get married! It's the right thing to do! You need to start being a role model!
2007-03-16 16:26:04 · answer #4 · answered by SillyKimmie 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
like it or not, his daughter black mailed him and he was a fool for playing her game (even if he didnt mean it and did it because he didnt want to hurt her feelings). look, you are not responsible for their lack of communication all these years and certainly wont be your fault if these teenagers don't like the FACT that you'll marry their father because that's his&their problem, not yours. He has to have a heart to heart with them since he is the father. he has to let them know his decision to marry you, he is not going to ask for permission. they (especially the girl) can get mad at you but that's life and you can't make everybody happy and this doesnt make you a selfish person AT ALL. they were kids when the mother took them away from your soon to be husband but now it's different because she can't force them so easily to do what she wants anymore. don't put your future on hold for some immature kids.
good look and dont be afraid!!!
2007-03-16 17:26:54 · answer #5 · answered by chikis 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can you really rely on a child's decision.I can appreciate your respect for them and their father, but you all are adults. These are children asking this of him.I would not base my future on something a child has ask.You need to have a discussion with the kids and explain it to them and just be conscious of their feelings, but think about it this is a child and you are an adult, and kids hang on to there ideas, so if he wants to marry you and you want to marry him I would go for it.You were there before the kids were, and helped him threw this difficult time.They will adjust.If I'm not being clear like I would like to be example.(kid) I say we all go to chucky chees(parent) OK (kid) I say no one goes to school (parent) OK.Good luck
2007-03-16 16:37:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my advice is to marry point blank..his daughter has no right or reason to have asked him that in the first place..the only mistake he made was promising her that he wouldnt..he should have nipped that in the butt right then..sounds like a spoiled little brat to me and he is trying too hard to make up for time that he missed even though it was not his fault..he shouldnt do that or those kids will run all over him!!
2007-03-16 16:27:54 · answer #7 · answered by noseyroseysillywillie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It might be a good idea to talk to the kid and to see why she doesn't want u to marry him....U could talk to her or the dad could, but maybe if u found out the reason that she was upset, than u could resolve it without the loss of friendship between her and the dad.....
2007-03-16 16:29:23 · answer #8 · answered by Lou 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all she is 15 and was kept away from her dad for 7 years she does not want to to lose him again. she may think you are going to take him away from her. even if she does like you she my still want mom and dad to get back together. you and dad need to sit down and let her tell you her true feelings.
2007-03-16 16:32:09 · answer #9 · answered by mommiie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both of you need to sit down with the daughter and talk to her about it. Maybe her feelings have changed since then. If not, maybe the three of you could go to family counselling together. Congratulations and it's wonderful you obviously love his children!
2007-03-16 16:35:19 · answer #10 · answered by QT 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋