Question for the men?!?

Question

I have a 7 year old, a three year old and a 9 week old. My husband is the father of the 9 week old. I recently went back to work and my husband quit his job to be the stay at home father because I don't really want anyone else watching the baby right now and it's easier than deciding where the kids are going to be everyday. He planned on getting a part time job, but has not yet. We talked about everything before ultimately deciding to do this. It's been three weeks now since he's been staying home with the kids. He has been angry and very moody for the last 2 weeks about not making any money or having a job. He is mean to me when I talk about him getting a part time job because he now wants a full time job. We haven't had sex for about 2 weeks because he has been in a bad mood. He blames me for "making" him quit his job and keeping him at home. I tell him that he can get out of the house everytime I come home. He's now talking about seperating because he doesnt care about anything

other than getting a job. He seems very resentful towards me. We have had problems in the past, but have been getting along for the last couple of months. Things went downhill when he started staying home. What is going on? Why is he taking this out on me and what can I do to make things better? I need a man's point of view.

I made quite a bit more money than him is why I kept my job.

Answer 1

He wants to be the bread winner for his family, he wants to go out and face the world to provide for his family? Why can't you stay at home instead of him? Let him be a man! Sorry but it's a man's need and desire to be the provider for the family. Who cares if you make a little bit more? He wants to be a man and not play Mr. Mom!

Answer 2

WOW, This is tuff. Okay, A lot of times it’s belittling for a guy to be supported by his wife regardless of the circumstances. A new born is also very stressful for a guy especial when he has the child for long periods at a time. My wife went back to work about the same time after our daughter was born and I had some anxious moments. Solutions. Reinforce your husband that what he is doing is very courageous and commendable. Next, you two need some time away from the kids together. Get a babysitter or ask a friend you can trust and go on a date and give it a happy ending, maybe in a hotel away from the kids. He’s giving all his attention to the family and sees none coming his way. It’s hard for a guy to not have money. Especially if he had a job and gave it up. I never feel right if there is no change jingling in my pocket. $5.00 $10.00, even $20.00 will go along way. Before you leave out the door in the morning, ask him if he needs a little. If he says “no” leave a little anyway. It’s still early for him to get a part time job. When is he suppose to work. After he has taken care of a small child all day and the other after school? He needs a hobby right now. There are lots that are inexpensive and can be done when your child is sleeping. I built models I bought at thrift stores. A $1.00 will go alone way. Amber and I would go for long bike rides to parks and to the beach. We would go to the YMCA and swim. I treasure those days like no other. I hope this helps

Answer 3

First of all, if its not working out with him at home, it may just not work out. If he can't handle being at home, there's no use flipping over it, he can get a full time job, and get a nanny or whatever.

At the same time, could point out to him that it does get easier. 9 weeks vs 4 months can be a big differance

Finally, really encourage sex. If he's angry and in a bad mood, maybe just drop down and give him a bj. I mean, not having sex is NOT going to make him be in a better mood, or feel better about himself.

EDIT TO ADD:

I agree with others that, regardless of what you think, or even what he 'intellectually' thinks, its highly likely that he _feels_ that he is not being a man doing this. Whether he feels he's being 'feminized' or whether he feels he's failing by not being able to provide for his family .... I recognize that if he's feeling that way, it probably makes him 'not in the mood', but that's counterproductive, because that's an area he could be feeling like a man again. I wouldn't suggest you rip his pants on and jump on him, you want to encourage him to do that to you, or, give him a bj. In either case, you want to give him some space to be the macho one.

Answer 4

What is your question? Is this normal, yes and no. He is feeling inadequate about not making any money and not being the "bread winner". He is not fulfilling the gender specific roles that our society thinks are normal. He might also be being pressured by this friends about the fact that he is now "Mr. Mom". If he does get a part time job that he likes and that is meaningful to him this might relieve some of his frustration.

It is not your fault that he feels this way though, you two did talk about this before. He just did not understand everything that would be involved. If you wanted you could see if you could cut back your hours some that there is a more equitable amount of time spent taking care of the child.

I hope that things get better.

Answer 5

No real man,(husband), would allow his wife to go to work full time, and support him, and his family. The reality of the situation is, that what may have sounded like a good idea at the time, was not. If everything was fine in your relationship before this occured, than I would say he should go back to work, and either you stay at home with the baby, or you begin hunting for a reliable day care.

Answer 6

It's a guy thing. We put a LOT of our identity into work. I've been playing stay at home husband for months and can't stand it. The kids are grown so they don't need to be taken care of. I'm bored to death with house work and cooking. Unfortunately for me, Michigan's economy is terrible. No jobs that even pay enough to afford gas to commute to work.
I'm sure he still cares. He's just frustrated and having a hard time with the adjustment. And throw in the stress of taking care of an infant.

Answer 7

For a lot of men (including me, and it sounds like your husband) being able to care for our family is more important than anything. Think about this, in Iraq and Afghanistan, a good number of the people who blow themselves up are not terrorists, they're politically nutral people that the terrorists pay enough money to so they can support their families for a long time. These men are willing to die and kill hundreds of people in a war they don't even care about all at the same time just so they can be sure their family gets enough food for the next few years.

Now, reverse that. Keeping in mind that most men are fundamentally the same, and that these men are willing to blow themselves up in a conflict they don't even care about to be sure their children are cared for, what do you think starts to happen to them when they *can't* make sure they're cared for? Mental breakdown! All the hard-wired parts that tell him how to be a man and protect his family and care for each other are screeming at him, telling him he's a failure as a husband and a father.

You could *try* assuring him that you don't think of him as a failure, and you could *try* reminding him that it was a decision you made together, but in the end, if he's like me, he's going to short circut if he doesn't get a job and start feeling like he's taking care of his family.

Answer 8

Makes sense to me. its the Alpha Male syndrome. most men can't go from bread winner to mom just like that. Being the man to bring home the Bacon is a status symbol as well as a power thing. When he agreed to it he probably didn't feel the way he does now, or he wouldn't have. How do you feel about working from home with the kids and sending him out to work. (i got a 5 year old brother so my single mom works from home alot, works nicely)

Answer 9

get daycare or sitter and let the guy go to work if that is all he truly wants then make it possible.you make good money and with him working to you should be able to pay for daycare.

Answer 10

eeh, let him get the full time job? Get a babysitter.
you get a part time job...