How can I help my son feel better about not doing well in school?

Question

My 14 year old son DEARLY wants to do well in school. Unfortunately, he takes after me. I was never a great student. I did much better in college and did graduate with a degree. Teens are of course living in the here and now and he wants things to happen NOW. He has friends who are on the honor roll and who serve as class officers. He, on the other hand, has to take remedial classes to catch up. We've never put pressure on our kids to be "A" students. We've only asked that they do their best. They are kind, compassionate, athletic, funny, and bright. But, when it comes to the classroom, they struggle. Add to the mix that my son is often times too proud to ask for help. The only thing I've NOT done is have him tested for a learning disability which I fear will damage his self esteem even more. WHAT can I say to him? What can I DO for him, all the while keeping his self esteem in tact? Thank you, especially from the young people out there, for any feedback!

I'm sorry! I did not mean for my question to imply that I WANT my son to feel good about doing poorly in school, as was said in Emily's answer. What I meant to say was that I want to help him know that doing poorly in school is no reason for him to beat himself up like he does and that he's not alone in this. I hope this more clearly defines my dilemma.

Answer 1

i think i'm sort of like your son. (i'm a freshman in high school) I get low grades a lot in school but i try so hard to do my best. my sister thinks i have ADHD and when i heard that i just gave up. I thought it was true so i kept blaming myself and i still feel like i have no self esteem. I don't want to be tested because i'm sure i do have it and i don't want to ruin my body by taking medication. But there's a solution to it which is to never give up! i think my only problem was that i procrastinate and i'm too lazy. If i really want something i sure can go for it. An example: i had this huge math exam to study for for last term. i stayed all night until 1 practicing math problems, then i woke up early too. Guess what? I passed with an 85! i was shocked myself. But that doesn't mean that i do well in other subjects. What i'm trying to say is that your son has what it takes to do well in school but he's either too lazy or is giving up. I suggest maybe you talk to him about how he's so capable. He should study a week before a test. Make sure he does his homework or study or whatever. Ask him what his goals are and tell him that the only way for them to work out is if he did well in school. Tell him that everytime he gets a B on his test, you'll get him what he wants. that will most probably push him to do well. good luck!!!! =)

Answer 2

Having him tested for a learning disability will only weaken his self esteem which already seems as if it is very fragile. A personal after school learning tutor will do him best. Show him that some of the best and most successful people in world have to ask for help sometimes. But be proud that your son has the motivation to do well in school. A lot of kids going to public school nowadays take their education for granted. You don't get much people out there who really really want to do well. If he really wants to do well, pay the extra money for a tutor and don't have him tested for a learning disability unless you see that it is absolutely necessary. I am an A student myself and extra tutoring helps me very much. I would progress a lot more with a personal tutor. Help him keep up his motivation to do well.

Answer 3

Hi, I am Dyslectic and I have A.D.D. I was in a learning disability class from 2nd grade on my mother did all she could do for me except meds I am 33 now and started taking medication 2 years ago it helps me focus but I am still Dyslectic. And I always will be, but I have learned how to live with it. I cannot say anything good about my school years at all. I can tell you some good things. Schools are better prepared to deal with the special needs of children today. And their are special schools for tutoring kids, and as I spent all but 1 of my school years in a L.D. Class I saw a lot of kids come in and out of my class. Because they got the help they needed and could get back into normal classes, because they we use to normal classes. But I think it would be better that he knows he has legitimate learning problem, than just thinking he is not bright enough. And I have seen a 12Yo and a 15Yo benefit from medication, that dos not mean it is for everyone, but it mite be worth looking into. Good luck ---.o ya My mom always helped me with other things I liked like singing and that was always good for my self-esteem. I could rite all day about this. So if you want you are more than welcome to email me

Answer 4

Getting your son tested could not possibly do worse for his self esteem than simply struggling in school. If he is LD, getting help will do wonders for him. He may just have a different learning style. If the tests show that he simply has a lower IQ without disabilities, then you need to tell him that high IQs and great grades don't run in the family and that so long as he is doing his best you are satisfied.

Definitely hire a tutor for the tough subjects - whether he thinks he needs it or not!

Answer 5

Ive worked with many remedial students, many kids with ADHD and other "learning disabilities". I have NEVER in these 14+ years seen an otherwise normal child who couldnt learn.

You need to understand that our public education is not designed for every child. Its designed for students who learn quick, learn well on their own, and can easily focus for long periods of time.

The sad thing is, while this is the majority of children, theres still large numbers who simply DO NOT learn easily this way. Some children learn better while their bodies are in motion, others learn better when things are presented to them from different angles, others need to have things explained to them a few times before they grasp the fundalmental aspects of it. Its not a learning disability, but its labled as such simply because the child wont conform to the mainstreamed education machine.

So dont even go there. There are no stupid children. I have never taught a child who couldnt learn, but I have taught those who couldnt learn a certain way.

You have to learn how to learn. Its not something that children are born with, desire is inate, but the cognative ability to learn from every means isnt.

There is absolutely no reason why your son cannot be an honor student. It may take him time to learn how to function in his mind like the school wants him to, but its not impossible.

Personally, if it were me, I would home school him. Children like this generally need a quieter environment where they are taught at a pace they can deal with. This isnt for every parent however, especially those who might doubt their own abilities, or had their own problems learning.

In your particular case, I'd get him a tudor who has worked with remedial students before.

You'll probably remember in your own life where you reached this point in your educational carreer where things "clicked" and made sense. And it was easier for you to get that education you were striving for. A good tutor can help him reach that point quicker.

Theres nothing wrong with your child, except that the system at large ISNT made for him and his pace.

Answer 6

Sign him up for the sylvan learning center or something like it. Just treat it like and extracurricular activity, shoot maybe you can even sign him up for Karate if he likes it so that it can me like a privledge, If your a college grad you can probably afford it. It will help his self esteem and with the extra help it can make him more confident. Also have you heard of the 'self fulfilled prophesy" Tell him that he will be getting better grades after just a couple of weeks and that his teacher called and said she saw an improvement, Hell be bringing home the grade he strives for.

Answer 7

If he really wants to succeed, get him a tutor. Tell him to ask the teachers for extra help after school. There's plenty of ways to do better, you just have to ask for them. To be honest, it would really be better to test him for the disability, so just in case it turns out he has something, then you'll know exactly what needs to be done about it. He may not like it NOW, but it'll help him later, when he really needs it. :)

Answer 8

im pretty sure there is three different ways of learning visual, audio and i really cant remember the other one.
basically some people learn better from looking and remembering pictures some people remember listening to someone else (dictation) and some people are self learners!!
im sure if u search tyhe internet you will find a test we had to do one in school! its really useful once you know im an audio learner i used to find it hard at school because i needed glasses but didnt know so couldnt read the black board!! so the teacher used to dictate to me which i found easier!!
sorry didnt know exact names hope this helps!!
and if he does have learning difficulties then you need to find out it will beniefit him!!

Answer 9

Well, you have to find what he IS good at. For example, my friend is not good at school, but he wants to be a chef when he grows up. Math, Social Studies, and English are NOT at ALL important to being a chef. So if you can narrow down what he's really interested in doing when he grows up, you can tell him to focus on just one subject in school. For example, if you want to be a writer, ALL you have to focus on in school is English. But really, there are plenty of people out there that don't do well in school and still get by. What you have to learn from him is what he wants to be, what he's passionate about. And you guys can work on developing the skills involved to be successful in that field. Otherwise, he can get a job in the service industry, no big deal.

Answer 10

if he really is doing that bad in school, i would get him tested for a learning disability. if he has one that is undiagnosed, he could do really well in school. at least get him checked. it won't hurt him as much as you think. just tell him some people have learning disabilities just like some people have brown hair and others don't. we have a ton of kids in my school hat have learning disabilities and no one, even their peers, seems to care. if you want to help him, get him help.