Going Drinking for St. Paddy's. Tell me something Funny?

Question

I'm going out drinking tonight and tomorrow to celebrate the festivities with friends. Can someone leave me a funny note to read for when I come home drunk?

Answer 1

Can't think of a funny note to leave you to read then, but here is a handy trouble shooting guide for while youa re drinking.
IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM:
CAUSE:
CORRECTIVE ACTION:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet
CAUSE Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM:Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE a). Glass empty. b). You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to the bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking
You're NOT in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

Answer 2

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a bathtub?............I don't know- they keep slipping down the drain.
What's invisible and smells like dirt?
Ethiopian farts.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on stage?...............Mike
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs out in the sun?..........Ray
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your mantel?.........Buck
How about when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?............
A hooker who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget you.
Hope you enjoyed your festive night out!

Answer 3

You're just adorable aren't you!?