Can you love the man who hurt you?

Question

I was in a relationship where I was forced to have sex. This is how it started. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, I absolutely hated sex, I was young and tried to please him in the beginning but then for a couple of months I stopped. Then he started forcing me, I would cry and then just try to be happy later. I was lost and confused. He would say sorry and then do it again. After this I hated sex with him, no matter how hard I tried to save out relationship, I hated it. THis went on for about 5 years of being forced to have sex. Then I left him, after breaking up and making up so many times. I was with another man becasue i thought is was me and not him. I blame myself for letting it happen to this day. Now he has changed, I admit, it has been 2 1/2 years. But he wants back in, my kids want him in their life but I am the only one who is unsure if I did this. I am considering this but I don't kno what to do.

Answer 1

you can love him and forgive him, but only you can make that decision.

Answer 2

Hi,

I think you got the wording wrong. When you say you where forced you really mean to you where rape. Forced is a nice way of saying it but is not proper because it diminishes the act. That is it makes it less bad even though its the same crime. Its like saying I gave you a spanking because love you when in reality its I'm hitting you because I don't know how todeal withthe situation or I'm abusive. Wel, it has to be examined on an individual basis but in a court of law forced to do sex is the same as being raped even if he was your husband.

I think what you are is confused. Usually the victim feels some atraction to the agressor. There is a psycological explanation to this but, I don't know it. You may want toresearch it though. It even happenes to people that where kidnapped.

It is possible for a person to change. People do change you know BUT (notice the big but) only if they really want to change. Also, not everybody changes, wants to change r are able to. The bottom line is that even if he changes you already had that experience with him and that is not going to go away. You wll always remember that. So, ts a matter of whether youwant to live that way. Can you handle that? Only you can answe that question. Also, you must think of the children. If he did notchange and continue his abusiveness how will that affect the children. I don't mean to say he will abusive towards the children but they will still be affected because it is not a healthy relationship. There wil always be some tension of some sort. Or some behavior where he will try to be dominant. Yes, you can be dominant and or abusive outside of the bedroom. Rape is an act of either anger or dominance. By forcing somebody you are trying to sumit the person. To overpower them and subjugate them. So, take this into acount too. Think back and see what other areas he was abusive in if any. Once you though of all the good qualities and the bad qualities put them in a scale and see which one waights more. You may stil love him or tink you do but, if he is abusive and its going to be more problem then why put yourself and your children through that. You have love and you can learn to unlove. Also, you can learn to love someone else. Or fall in love with someone else. There are over 200 billion people in this world. New ones are born everyday. I'm sure that you can find somebody else if it needs be.

Answer 3

I am a victim of domestic violence where my ex husband did the same thing. You can love him. You can't help who you love but you have to love yourself and your kids more. What makes you so sure he has changed???? People like that have a very hard time changing. I went back to my ex cause I wanted to try and make it work. But even though it was over a year later he TRIED to do it again but I left before he had the chance to. Like you I thought it was my fault too. That is how they want you to feel. But you can't control any person's actions except for your own. When a man forces you to have sex he thinks more of himself than he does you and he is in no way showing you love or respect. Stay away. You got out once. You may not be that lucky again and your kids need their mother

Answer 4

hi, well , am sorry honey,but that guy is an abuser,,, u know a rape can also consider a rape even inside of a marriage,nd .. not ever in this world, think again, that it was ur fault..many woman ,when they are pregnant feel the presure of having sex , even againts their wises, coz they fear that the husband goes nd f... with another woman... or to loose them.. anyway, u have been brave to leave him, now keep ur promess if u have self respect... a man who forced u one, will do it again.. coz he knows he can, that he have the power nd some sick mans loves that,anyway. u have to explain the kids.. that papa cant come back, even when u love them nd ure sure that they cant be better with someone else but their own father.ull pay the price, nd they soon will have their fam join maybe, but u could be miserable, been abused all the times he want , nd if ur kids find out this, they will feel guitly to force u , unconc to go back to that hell... wish u the best of lucks, nd hope u take the rigth choice .kisses

Answer 5

I agree with the other answers that it has to be your decision and only you know how you truly feel. I can tell you that my ex-husband was abusive. He went to jail two days after we were married. He always felt bad for hurting me, but once a dog, always a dog. My ex never changed and I ended up leaving him with a dear jon letter. The fact that your husband forced you to have sex with him shows that he has no respect for a human being or as his wife, the love of his life! I can imagine the other issues you two may have had just by how you said he treated you. You have to do what is best for you! I know you said your kids want him back in the house, but you have to make that decision. You take care of your kids and look out for them, but who is looking out for you??? Only you are! You take care of you. You have to ask yourself if you want to be with a man who violated you so deeply. Good Luck. I don't know if you are a believer, but I would suggest praying about this. This is a biggie. Pay attention to you gut feeling and don't try to talk yourself into anything. Only you know what is right for you.

Answer 6

Please do not let this man back into your life. If you do, I guarantee that you will be forced to have sex with him again.
There is something that really concerns me here. You did mention that at the time you absolutely "hated" sex. You didn't say if this is still the situation, but if so, you need to talk to a therapist. Hating sex is not normal and it makes me wonder if you have some deep hidden, unresolved issues. If so, then you need to work through it. There is no man (unless he is impotent) that will agree to a love relationship and marriage to a woman that denies him sex. Denying him sex will almost guarantee him having outside affairs. I am concerned about YOU and what lays behind this abhorance of sex. Please, find a good counselor to talk to. God bless you.

Answer 7

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! This man is a rapist. He is not fit to be around you or your children. I can understand that your children want him around. Maybe they've never seen what a jerk he is. But it is your duty as mom to keep your babies from being exposed to this crazy person. If they are raised around such a person, they're likely to mimic his behavior. After all, he will be their role model.
Please, PLEASE, think about this. My feeling is that it will be a terrible mistake to take this rapist back and I don't use the term "rapist" lightly.
It wasn't you who let this happen. You've been a victim and I would strongly advise you to get some counseling. If you don't have the money, call your local mental health department and ask for a recommendation for a therapist that charges on a sliding scale.
Good luck to you and be strong. Your precious children deserve to be raised without this type of influence.

Answer 8

Now if you are in a relationship, no one should
force you to have sex, but a relationship without
sex is a friendship, and while he is abusive you need to leave him and be with someone who you
are happy to have sex with, that being said..............
YOU need to realise that Sex and love go hand in
hand and in any relationships you are going to need to express that love in the act of sex and
intercourse.................................................................
If a man is abusive then you need to leave him,
but the sex and lovemaking issue needs to be
resolved as you may be the one with the problem..


Marriage and relationships are about love and caring and sex and not just about lust...In some cases people have lower sex drives than others
which seems to be the case in your relationship
with this man....It is best in a case like this not to
go back because if he has to force you to have
sex and you do not want to then you are not in
love with him, need to go and see a gynea - and
a psych to find out why you have a fear of sex....

If you hate sex then you are the one with the
problem, go to a sex therapist, maybe he or she
can sort out the fears that have prevented you from enjoying the partner in your relationships...

Love and sex go hand in hand, sex and love are
about giving the partner a release or pleasure, you
should be able to do this willingly wantonly or the
person normally finds someone else......................

GO and get help........................................................

Answer 9

Look girl, I feel you 100 % , Im in a similiar situation, not to the tee tho he didnt make me have sex or none of that , but muh husband decided he wanted us to seprate ,and now he wants back in, but you know you have to follow your heart, and listen to it good, you have to know 100 % that thats what you want, there is no back and forth girl thats not healthy for them kids. What you should do, you should sit and talk to him, openly, and really get the feel, dont get back in and them next week realize he didnt change and look girl you will be back at square one, Just Follow what your heart says , If you truely love him and really mean it , give it a shot, you only live once and so you mind as well be happy, I'll share my motto with you , "Make every minute count " Good Luck

Answer 10

You need to go to a women's crisis center and get counseling b/c you have been subjected to abuse and you don't know how to deal with it properly. Don't go back until you have had some therapy b/c you are hurt and need to heal before you make any decisions like that. You have kids and you don't want your kids to see you like that and they do remember that for the rest of their lives.
Remember that you have kids and they need a loving safe environment and a mommy who has her head together.

Answer 11

He took away from you the ability to love in my opinion. He was the only man that you have been with so it may be possible that you may feel a certain connection. But i do not believe that you love him at all. Beside, I know if you got back together, you will still remember how he treated you. I think its best to forgive him and remain friends for the children. You deserve to be loved with respect and dignity. obviously he blew that chance