How much longer should I wait?

Question

St Patty's day will be our 5th anniversary of dating. We have been living topgether for almost 4 years. When I bring up engagement, he says we are engaged and we'll go to Vegas. BUT he hasn't told anyone and never refers to me as his fiance'. He says he doesn't like the word. Everytime I bring up the idea of getting a ring, he says that I want a blood diamond. We went ring shopping with me once, but walked away in the middle of our conversation with the jeweler. How serious is he? How long should I wait for him to come around? He says he wants to get married to get a house and all that, but I can't help but feel insecure because of his actions. Please help!

Answer 1

It seems your gut is telling you what is going on here. It doesn't sound like he really wants to make a lifetime commitment with you. At least not yet. Honestly five years is plenty of time to come to this decision. It would be one thing if you both were finishing off college or something. The walking away in the middle of talking to a jeweler, calling an engagement ring a blood diamond (there are plenty of stones you could get without getting a diamond or you could make sure to not buy a conflict diamond), telling you that you are engaged without actually asking you (yet wont call you his fiance), telling you that you will get married in Vegas without actually making plans with you for just that...sounds like he is not going to get on the same page as you. Of course you get insecure, all you have gotten is lip service from him.

I wouldn't waste five more years if it is marriage you want.

Answer 2

I think he is avoiding the whole thing. He is probably scare shitless about commitment. And the worse part is, that he doesn’t realize he has committed to you already. He just doesn’t want to make it “formal” as it would make any difference.

You can do many things. The first thing to do would be to sit down with him alone, and talk about your life together, the future, and the expectations.

If you guys don’t have too much money, or at least he doesn’t, then try to save, like for example, go out with him, look around for a small simple engagement ring (trust me, you can find them for about $100 and still be gold and have a little diamond) and just get it! Is the thought what counts, not the karats. Right? Show him that you are happy with him, that you want to be with him, and that “plastics” are not your main concern.

I would think he is worried because he doesn’t know if to become “engaged” with you and then something happens and the relation ends, and also he is probably worried about money and stuff like that. Unless there is something else inside his head, I’m sure that is the reason.

Of course, you also have another alternative and that is that he is not sure about you and about his feelings about you. Many people become comfortable being with someone, and then realize that is not the “right” person, but don’t end the relation until they find someone else… but at the end they usually never find that special one, and end up miserable.

This is the reason why you must talk to him, and you both need to be honest. I think after 5 years you two should know each other very well, and should trust each other as well.

Depending on what he tells you, you act accordingly. Hopefully I’m right and he is just afraid of a real serious commitment, and in that case, you have to help him out by letting him understand that you two are together, and is not just his responsibility, but yours too, and that together you two can make it though life as long there is trust, understanding, and love.

Good luck… and don’t worry too much about the ring, show him you just care about him and the relation. The ring will come, don’t worry.

Answer 3

Sounds like you want different things out of the relationship and bottomline he will not commit until he is ready...if you feel like you are 'waiting' then chances are that you are both in drastically different places. Unfortunately people will say many things to keep the status quo in a relationship...but they don't always mean it. Forget about what he is saying and just try to make a decision on his actions towards you and the relationship. You could try and talk it out, but I'm guessing he knows what you want so his actions are speaking to you loud and clear.

Remember...actions, not words. If he really wanted to marry you, he'd be planning something...blood diamond, oh come on..why not suggest another stone if he really feels that way?

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you already know the answer. Don't keep waiting, you'll just become frustrated and sour about the whole thing.

Answer 4

i assume it might count number on the area. a chum of mine dated approximately 6 years in the previous getting married using fact she became sick a large style of the time and could no longer bypass by with the marriage only yet. If it became some thing like that, i might wait a on a similar time as. If all situations have been suited (or as much as they might yet) so a techniques as money, a house, and different issues, i might nonetheless wait a pair years and be content textile. i've got been engaged for a million.5 years surprising now, and is no longer married for yet another a million.5 years. i'm affected person i assume.

Answer 5

I agree with you, I dont know how serious he is either. No commitment in a ring , a date, or even the title of fiance. Usually people that elope to Vegas , do it right away, thats the whole purpose. I would sit down with him and ask him why arent we moving forward with this. If you really want to get married then ask him to go to Vegas tommorow, and see what he says then. Then you will have your answer on his commitment to you.

Answer 6

First, set a date to go to Vegas. Stop sitting around and waiting like a bint. Tell him since he claims you are engaged that you are getting married in such and such a date. If he refuses, you got your answer. Leave him.

Second, why do yo need a diamond ring? He doesn't like diamonds and so just get a cubic zarconia or some other shiny gem. A diamond ring is just the shiny trinket behind a silly tradition. It does not mean he loves you. He can love you with out a diamond and if you can't figure that one out, you shouldn't be with anyone ever.

Answer 7

You are already married. Why do you need a piece of paper to tell you that. Getting married legaly isn't going to change anything with your relationship. Just appreciate what you have and don't worry about it. If he was not committed to the relationship I dont think he would have been living with you for the past 4 years. He would have moved out by now. Don't hassel him about it that will only drive him away. Good Luck!

Answer 8

You've wasted enough time on this guy. He's playing games and you need to tell him to either sh--t, or get off the pot. If he doesn't come up with something this weekend, tell him you're tired of waiting and start making plans to leave. A guy like this will keep you hanging for years. A close friend of mine dated a guy for 12 years and when he decided to get married, he dumped her and married someone else. Don't let this happen to you. 5 years is long enough to wait.

Answer 9

I waited 15 years ,yes we did get engaged but then there was never a marriage & we had a perfect relationship. I left eventually & have met a awesome man & we are engaged to marry next year! Dont wait too long obviously marriage is very important to you as it is to me & life is too short

Answer 10

He is never going to marry you unless you make a drastic change. Why do people live together without a ring? Men don't buy the cow when they can get the milk for free. Do not wake up 3 years from now and you are still shacking up with him.