I want my husband to get help with his issues but he will only do this if I promise I won't leave him?

Question

My husband has deep anger problems I think they come from growing up or whatever but he needs to get them sorted, he has agreed to start a programme called preditory men (its for all angry abusive men etc) but im not sure if he is just going because I have asked or if he realises he has a problem.
I told him our relationship is over until he can sort out his problems (i will support him during this) then maybe we can think about our marriage once he is better, but he says he will not go to this programme at all if i cannot give him a definate answer of us being together or not, why can he not understand that I need to see changes first before I can trust him again, and if he wont go on these terms does he not even care about going at all? is he just agreeing to this to get into my good books again? I dont know what to do, I dont feel I can give him another chance until I see an improvement in his behaviour if there is any at all, am I wrong for being like this??

I have my 8 year old son to think about in all of this as well

I should have mentioned along with his anger he also lacks respect for me and is slightly controling when he wants to be.

Answer 1

Sounds like he's still trying to control you with emotional blackmail. I would stick to your guns. Sounds to me like he could just be going to save the marriage, if someone has a problem it's only going to be effective if they accept they have the problem and do it for themselves. You are perfectly within your rights to hold off the relationship before seeing an improvement. Be strong and stand up to him, sounds like he is acting like a spoilt child. xx

One other thing (I replied to your last question) after what he did to you the other night, I don't think he is in the position to be making demands! Shame that his old behaviour has started to creep back in so soon.

Answer 2

If he's making it a condition that you stay, then he's doing the programme for all the wrong reasons, and is unlikely to benefit much it. He needs to do it for himself, whether your marriage remains intact or not.

You need to think long and hard about what your son is learning from his father, and how this will affect him in the long run. Especially if your husband's anger is directed at you or your son - will he blame you in time to come for not making a stand and changing things when you had the chance?

Good luck, you can support him, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated or controlled when you know in your heart of hearts it's not the best thing for you or your son.

Answer 3

I think the key is your eight year old son - what has he witnessed in the past? Whatever happens between you, he should be protected from witnessing the bad behaviour that has obviously led to the breakdown in your marriage. So I'd approach the situation from that angle - tell your husband that, for the sake of your son, you cannot make this promise; however, for the moment you will stay but at the first sign of any repeat behaviour both you and your son will move out temporarily. Repeat that you are doing this for the sake of your son.
I think you should give him a chance for the moment but if he lapses back to his bad ways then you should protect your son from seeing or hearing the anger between you. He deserves that, and I'm sure your husband would agree.
Good luck.

Answer 4

You are trying to have your relationship improved for the sake of you and your son and what you get from your husband got a subtle scent of blackmailing which matches pretty well with what you call "controlling".He's got to understand that it's for him to do the effort here. He does only see counselling as a way of not losing you when he should understand that the only way to keep the relationship alive would be to clean his act.He's acting selfishly .You are right to be cautious and ask for REAL change before give it another go,some wives would have left without even giving the hubby a chance to change.

Answer 5

, Of course he is agreeing to go to get into your good books but that is not a bad thing.He is trying to control you by giving ultimatums. Only you can decide whether to give into him, personally I would stick to what you have said. Too many women give in to emotional blackmail and end up severely hurt or dead. You also have to protect the child.
Decide on a plan together; First week little face to face contact but support as often as needed on the phone, second week face to face contact etc, This allows him to see you want him to get control and you are willing to continue the relationship.
I wish you all the best.

Answer 6

So you are going to blackmail him into getting help?? He has to realize he has a problem before it can be fixed by him! If he does go to counseling to please you he's going to resent you for making him do something he thinks he doesn't need. Perhaps tell him you two need to take a 6 month break to see if your marriage issues can be resolved. But beware he may just put on a good show after the six mnths then revert back or be even meaner, have you thought about maybe doing couples counseling so he isn't the only focus of the problems?? Good Luck, I had one of these guys and divorced him.

Answer 7

Perhaps the answer is for you to leave so that he understands how serious the problem is to you. Then let him know that if he completes the anger managment course and starts showing you the changes you will consider going back. Tough love is sometime the best. Good luck!

Answer 8

If he is telling u this then that means that he is not really doing this for him but for u.
He thinks that if he does this then u will stop harassing him with all those q's , and that u will leave him along and live a happily marriage.
But this will never happens, if he doesn't understand that 1st he has 2 do it 4 him, and for his child, and then 4 everything else.
Am sorry but i think that u need to move on in ur live, and let him sort his life.
U and ur child need 2 b happy, and spent ur rest of ur life's, in love and totally happiness.
You deserve this!!
I really hope all the best.

Answer 9

You love your husband very much, that is obvious, but I think that you need to really think about what is best for you and your son. It seems to me that your husband has turned this programme around in a very manipulative and controlling way, and is using it to make you stay in his life - i.e. he'll only do it if you promise to stay with him. And you know this - which is why you say you don't know what to do.

You need to sit down and ask yourself a few really hard questions. Is it good to have someone like this around your son? Do you really think, in your heart of hearts, that your husband will improve? Do you think he really wants to?

You're going to have to make some really tough decisions. The best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Whether he agrees, or not, you need to leave, now! If he's serious about getting help, then he will, whether or not you're together. You have a child to consider, and it's dangerous to stay with your husband as he is right now. Do what's right for you and your child. Your husband will either deal with his anger and abuse issues, or he won't. Don't make promises that aren't safe for you to keep! Good luck!