jokes please?

Question

I need to bring jokes to my class for extra credit but im all out can somebody help. classroom appropiate jokes preferred

Answer 1

Two cows in a field one turns to the other and says "moo" they other turns and says "you fcuker I was gonna say that"

two ghosts at the dinner table one asks the other"can you pass the salt please"
the other replys "who the fcuk said that"

how do you make a hormone?
Wipe yer d1ck on her curtains

what do you tell yer wife when she has two black eyes?
Nothing you've told her twice allready

George Bush throw a press conference to announce his disgust at three brazilian journalists killed in iraq he pledges Americas intent on "bloody revenge" when the conference ends his aid says to him "that was a bit strong Mr President" george bush replys "I know but excactly how many is a brazillian"

Supermarket

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere!!!

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!
The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'


A man walks in the kitchen with a chicken under his arm and his wife is standing there. So, the man says "How do you like the pig I been f**kin'?" His wife looks at him and says, "That's a chicken dumb ***!" The man says, "I was talking to the chicken!"



A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your
head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"


An religious old man is on his deathbed and having last requests being made. He tells his wife, "Honey, gimme my lawyer and accountant." She calls the two men and they rush in the room. "Ya, waddya want? I'm missin' a meeting here." The accountant says. "Accountant, stand to my left. Lawyer, stand to my right. Now I can die in peace." The lawyer scratches his head and asks why. The old man answers, "This way, I can die like the Lord Jesus Christ- in between two criminals."


Two Amish women are digging up potatoes and one of them holds up two potatoes and says "These look just like my husband's balls." The other woman says "Wow! They're that big?" the first woman says "No, they're that dirty!"


A man takes his father to the doctor.

At the office, the doctor tells the old man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have lung cancer. You'll be dead in a year."

On the way home, the old man turns to his grief-stricken son and says, "Quit all that cryin'! I'm not depressed. I've lived 75 great years. How 'bout you and me go to my favorite bar and have a couple beers with my friends?"

So while the guys are having their beers, the old man breaks the news to his friends. "Fellas," he says, "I'll be dead in a year 'cause I got AIDS."

On the way home, his son asks, "Dad, why did you lie to your friends?"

His dad replies, "'Cause when I die, I don't want them trying to **** your mother!"

Answer 2

A wealthy man who believes he can take it all with him passes away and his best friends, a preacher, a doctor and a lawyer discover that they have been given the charge taking his money and having it buried with him. They all feel that this is a silly way to waste such money, as the man left no family who could benefit from it. The men all agree to a trust system and decide to get their respective entrusted share of the money and have it placed in the man's huge coffin.

The service goes well and the three men decide to have coffee together after the service. The preacher looks upset and his doctor friend asks him, why are you down buddy? The preacher explains that he had taken 10% of the money to help rebuild the church's sanctuary. The doctor tells him that he shouldn't feel guilty as he took 20% of the money he had been entrusted to buy a boat that he had been eyeballing.

After a moment of silence, the lawyer told the two that he was ashamed of them. As they considered the source, they asked how much have you taken?

The lawyer responded, absolutely none. The bewildered doctor and preacher asked him if he was serious. He replied of course.

The lawyer stated that he had indeed put his share in its entireity into the coffin.

"Yeah, I put all of the money in the bank and placed in the coffin a check for the full amount."

The punch line: How can a dead person cash a check?

Answer 3

The duck went into the drug store to buy a chapstick. The clerk asked, "Cash or charge?" The duck said, "Put it on my bill."

Two greenbeans were walking down the road. A semi-truck topped the hill and ran one of them over. His friend rushed him to the hospital. Finally, the doctor came out. He said, "I've got good news and bad news." The good news is that your friend is going to live, the bad news is that he will be a vegetable."

Answer 4

What has 3 teeth and 200 legs? The front row seats of a Willie Nelson concert.

Answer 5

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'

Answer 6

a man dies and goes to heaven. When he entered heaven he saw people driving cars, so he asked st.peter " how come some people drive nice cars and some don't ?" st. peter said " well here in heaven your car depends if you ever cheated on your spouse , so the people you see driving Ferrari's,Lamborghini's,BMW's are people who never cheated on their spouse and the people you see driving really ugly cars are people that cheated on their spouse".

Then suddenly he sees his dead wife passing by on a skateboard.

Answer 7

your so ugly MTV made a new show. Pimp my face.

your so ugly you need a prescription mirror.

your so ugly when you were a baby your mom wiped you face and kissed your @ss.
sorry but these may not be class appropriate. but good for just telling friends.

Answer 8

What'd the cat say to the dog? Can I get a bone? Lmao.

Answer 9

JoKeS, must come a timely one, Dont create jokes, it has to be in natural,

Answer 10

Ant to Elephant : I think I am pregnant by your child.