Tell me what you think of part of my story.I,m rewriting the beginning so it is started in a later part.?

Question

Abriel could easily see the red pair of eyes floating towards them from the back rooms.This had to be a nightmare,she thought as Mel jumped over the the dusty couch that they had pushed in front of the broken door and onto the wet ground outside.She then reached in to help her baby sister ,Lydelle .
Kenny,Adreine,s brother, went next,and as Abreil made her way over the cushions,she spun once more to see that the eyes had settled on her.
"Abriel,we gotta go!"
Before she could say anything at all,she felt Adreine's heavy handed grip on her shoulder push her back ,over the couch and onto ground.She then heard the soft thud of Adreine striking the ground behind her and both girls then scrambled to their feet.
Kenny,Mel and Lydele were already down the street ,not sure to keep running or wait for them."Just keep going!"Abriel screamed.The rain had stopped,and the air was left with an icy chill that left their breaths like smoke in their faces.

Opinions on style ,and pointers please!

It is part of a story that I started when I was in foster care,based on my drawings.

Answer 1

OK...

First of all, you never want to name a ton of characters unless they're going to play an integral part in your story. Otherwise, the reader will get confused and annoyed. Secondly, the first part is confusing. And is Abriel in the back room or the eyes. Reread this and you'll see what I mean. Overall, this needs a lot of work. The grammer is a bit off (She then heard - then isn't really necessary - it makes the reader feel as is they're reading a report, not a story) Kenny,Mel and Lydele were already down the street ,not sure to keep running or wait for them - This sentence is confusing.

It's really hard to give anymore because I don't know anything about the plot or what the story is about. Is this from the beginning, middle or end.

Bottom line - Get some books on Plot, Style, and Description. It will help you a lot.

Don't throw it away, but you've got a lot of work ahead of you with this one.