I'm really depressed because of a situation but I don't know what to do.?

Question

I don't know what to do. I really want a great life with my husband, and we have a wonderful son together. We've been married 3 years, together for 4.5. He has always had an anger problem and would get violent by throwing things agaist walls etc. He never hit me, but has done a lot of harm to me by calling me names and yelling at me. He's calmed down in the sense that he doesn't throw things that much, about once a month or so, but he still yells and curses if something goes wrong. I hate living this way but I'm so scared of raising my son on my own and giving up on my marriage. My marriage was a commitment to God too, that I'd stay for better or worse, but i don't think God would want me going through all this. I love my husband but I really have started to hate myself for putting up with it. I have no backbone anymore and pretty much back down every time. I confided in him about my eating disorder after having it for 2 years. I waited so long because I didn't want him to hurt me with it. After I told him he made fun of me for it during an argument. It hurt so bad. I felt so ashamed and betrayed that he'd say that to me. I hate who I've become. I've gotten counseling, and 3 out of 4 of the different counselors told me to leave. I know I should, even if only for my son's sake, but I'm terrified I can't do it on my own, and my son will end up living like I did as a child, poor, abused and even homeless at one point because of my mother. Please don't call me stupid or ignorant for staying. I know I am. I can't help but want a life with the person I love, but I don't want this kind of life. I've tried getting him to go to counseling but he says he'll go and then never follows through as soon as he sees that I'm not going to leave. I feel like I'm smothering in some tiny little box when I think of him. I'm so scared.

I guess I just need some support. Has anyone else gone through this and raised their kids successfully?

Answer 1

I'm a little confused. You say he never hits you and has stopped throwing things. So, now he curses and yells once a month. I don't think that is so terrible, sounds like he's gotten better with time.

As for the name calling and making you feel bad with words, you can either get used to it (You never stopped him the first time and now it's become "normal" behavior) or you need to somehow make him understand that you will leave if he does it again. When you go, you will take your son also.

You need to actually leave if he continues. Your leaving may wake him up. Give him a second chance, but not a third or fourth.

Answer 2

Don't be scared, BE STRONG! If three out of four counselors have told you to leave, that's what you should do, at least temporarily. If you want to try to work on your marriage, he has to want that too. He has to see that you are serious, and you haven't shown him that yet, that's why it continues. If you leave, tell him that you may consider coming back to him at some point, once he shows you that he is getting help for his problem and that you Will not consider living under the same circumstances that you left under. If he really loves you as much as you love him, he will do what he needs to do, to prove that! Even though he hasn't hit you yet, he will eventually, until you get to the root of the anger issues he has, and you don't want your child around to see that when it happens, and it will happen! I'm glad that you feel like you have made a commitment to God, because I feel the same way, and God doesn't want you to suffer, but your husband has to want to make it work as well, it can't be just you or it won't work. Give it a little more time and do as I suggested. I know it will be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, but you will all be better off in the end for it. Good Luck, and God Bless you all.

Answer 3

If for no other reason leave the relationship so that your son does not grow up watching him abuse you(verbally), because then he himself will think this is ok. I have 2 sons and I divorced because my ex was verbally abusive when he drank. He was even putting down my oldest son at times and I did not want to live like that. He always said he would change, but is not capable of it. Stay with your family or a close friend. Start stashing some money away and save up for your own apt. You can do it on your own, if you really want it bad enough. Your son will not grow up poor, abused or become homeless. He is going thru abuse now, by watching his father abuse you. It is affecting him and will continue to if you stay in the same situation. Your son will respect you down the road, if you make the break. Your not stupid. It is hard leaving, even when you know it is in your best interest. If you are scared of him, then go to a womans shelter, until you can get on your feet. It will work out. I did it and had enough money to get by, It is hard, but you just make sacrifices and now I have a husband who is kind and appreciative of us. You have gone to counseling and deep down you know what is best for you or you wouldn't be asking. See an attorney, borrow some money from your family and file for a divorce. Divorce him and do NOT look back. He will beg you back and when that does not work, he will be an a**. Fill out paperwork for child support and get it in the mail, because he will not have to pay support until you go to court for the first hearing. Explain to your son that you just don't want to fight with dad anymore. He will come around. The hard part is sharing visitation afterwards. However, he may not keep all the visitation. Keep going to counseling and stay busy with friends. You may need an anti-depressant to get through this and that is ok. Even though you love this man, he is abusing you and that is not acceptable. There are many others out there that will treat you right. This is not the kind of love you want your son to think is the norm. Remember that, because you do not want him to grow up to be like his father. This is sad, but true. I know I don't want that for my kids.

Answer 4

Baby, you are neither a stupid or an ignorant. I know how you feel. I am in the middle of a divorce because of the same reason. We have no kids though. I felt exactly like you do now.
The problem here is your self-esteem. He has hurt it soo bad.... Actually he had put all his brain on how destrying your self=steem, at the point that you doubt of you capacities.
That is why you have lost trust in yourself. You feel worthless and unable to make it through without him. Because that is what he has made you believe.
You have to heal, and that will not happen if you stay with him. You have to move away from him.
You will see that in a near future, without him, you will be able to trust yourself again. You know what is right for you and your son. You will work for the both of you. God will help you if you help yourself as well. You wont end up poor, because there are endless jobs outthere, and friends, and family...
Don't be scared. You will be happy again. The future is brilliant for you and your son. Believe it. Believe me.
Try reading this book "Self-Esteem" by Mc Kay and Fanning. Pray. Believe.

Send you a big hug.

Answer 5

You're in an abusive relationship.
The only reason you would stay with him is that you love him, but think that no one else would love you? (Sorry if I'm wrong)
I think that you have low self-esteem, and just need more confidence.
Get him counseling - or go together and work out your issues.
If you feel as if he wants you to leave, maybe you should do something for yourself.
Go on a vacation with your son and give each of you some time by yourselves. Then, on your own for a little while without your husband, you would gain more confidence and see the big picture.
Conquer the fear.
Good luck!

Answer 6

I can see why you would want to stay; obviously you love him enough to try and fix things and you also want to stay together for your kid. But then again, this isn't good because all this stress is going to cause a nervous breakdown and matters are only going to get worse. Since you said that counseling hasn't helped, I think the best thing you should do is probably do a legal separation? I know that might be bad for your son's sake, but if you do that and perhaps live on your own for awhile just so things can calm down (and perhaps he can then realize the mistake he's made over the years), then it could work. You could do something where your son could stay a couple nights over by his house, and then some by you. Like I said, this might sound bad because your son might be sad/confused by the separation (btw does he know what's going on too?), but if you explain to him in a kind way that things between you and his father need to be straightened, then perhaps something could work out. Good luck!

Answer 7

Your fear is clouding your judgment and though understandable it is really more of a hindrance to you than an abusive husband. The reason being is that the fear is causing you to believe that the 'man' you call a husband is a 'fire breathing dragon' and in reality he is no more than a 'Bic lighter'. That is what fear does, it distorts things. Your husband's abuse is real, but you have to conquer the fear.Your husband is a bully and is using the same tactics as a man to get his way that he did as a little boy. Inside of every abuser,( man or woman ) is a scared little boy or girl. He is masking his insecurities, fears, pain,etc by acting 'hard'. A husband that does not care about his wife and/or family, does not care about himself. He's childish and hasn't grown up. He is vulnerable and is going through great lengths to mask the fact. He is more fearful than you are. Men like him have perverted 'manhood', believing it to mean dominion over others. He sees your reaction when he bellows and he counts on that reaction everytime he yells. He enjoys the control he has on you and your son. Something else; it appears that you are so afraid of what's 'out there', that you are willing to remain in an abusive marriage rather than face the unknown. It is quite possible that you are more comfortable with where you are than to start over. An abusive marriage is not the way you want to spend your life and there is nothing 'out there' to be fearful of. You have one child and yourself and can make a way for you and him.Take a chance. Come to grips with your fear. The unknown can be scary and often times men like your husband threaten spouses or girlfriends if they try to leave. Your husband feels less than a man but when you and your son are afraid he is empowered. One of an abuser's main weapons is to make his or her victim feel powerless. You can empower yourself if you can at least chisel away at what really is your main enemy right now, fear. You have to begin somewhere. God sees what is going on and does not expect
you to live in fear. You and your son's well being are at stake.
You are a lot stronger than you realize.

Answer 8

your not stupid or anythig else. your in an abusive relationship your conselours are right you should leave, it is hard very hard.your self esteem is low right now so you don't think you can do it on your own. there are places that can help you. your therapist could help you with that. you cant make someone do something that they dont want to do let it be conseling or leave someone. you need to be strong for you and know that love doesn't hurt,or make fun of someones problems or kick them when they are down like he did to you. you dont call someone names or throw things yell or scream and make them feel like crap like they are worthhless. and then try to justify it later because later only last how long? 1-2 weeks if that. it's not fair or right and you deserve better your child deserves better. and he needs help and you cant fix him or help him. keep going to counseling don't stop. if you did stop get going again. being alone is better than living in fear on a daily baisis. and dont start justifying things for him like its not that bad really i was mad because when we are abused thats what we do when we get scared it's part of the cycles we go through. it's all ok and normal as normal can be. i really hope you stay in therapy or get the strength to leave. hope this helps you some and best wishes and stay safe.

Answer 9

What you should really do is give him tim to think things over. To understand what he really wants because that way, he'll know that he wants you in his life and that he's making a big mistake by showing all his feelings in front of your son. Your son will grow up and be just like his father and you do not want that at all. Talk to your husband, let him know that he needs medical help and to leave him for a while to make him understand what he has in his life is too important to lose. I hope I've helped you enough and if you have any more questions, feel free to add me as a contact! Good luck!

Answer 10

The bottom line is this: stay and take it, or leave and make it. Over time you have developed a "comfort zone" that includes anger, violence and emotional abuse. Leaving ones "zone", whether good or bad, is a challenge. We all tend to find reasons or try to make sense of why we are where we are. It sounds to me like you need to check out of this situation. Maybe you have convinced yourself that you deserve this type of life, but the reality is you are teaching your child that this is all he deserves too. And that is simply not fair. All the counseling in the world will not help if you continue to subject yourself and your son to repeat emotional abuse. You have tried reason (counseling), you have tried threatening (I'm leaving) and nothing has convinced your husband that you have the courage to love yourself. Cutting your ties to this relationship has become a bigger challenge than staying put. Life sometimes can be lonely. And even the smallest task can seem overwhelming. But you have every right to be happy; to wake up in the morning and know that life is good. When we get depressed, we don't have the capacity to live to our fullest, or love to our fullest. The "tiny little box" you are smothering in is your coffin. You have watched so much of yourself deteriorate; your self-esteem, your courage, your resistance, your self-preservation. You are smothering because you have lost your voice. You are burying your pride in the name of __________ (you fill in the blank). The headstone reads "Here lies the spirit and soul of ________. Her body still resides at 123 Main Street. She leaves behind a son, who will be raised by a father that will scream at him when things don't go right and laugh at him when he is frightened." The harsh reality is although you have reasoned that you are both better off living without courage than facing the possibility of being "poor, abused and even homeless", you are the main contributing factor in the abuse because you are staying. That little boy has one chance in life to be emotionally sound, and that chance is now. He is in his prime emotional developing stage. What he learns now will remain with him forever. He may not remember exact situations, but he will learn how to react to situations (if I'm mad, I can throw something and feel better; I can't be afraid or I'll be laughed at; if someone hurts me, it's okay because I'm not worth being nice to). As you know, depression hurts and is sometimes genetic. And being abused hurts and is sometimes generational. These things tend to run in cycles. Just removing yourselves from the situation is the first step. But even that is not enough. You must then start the healing process. The death of a relationship, no matter how unhealthy that relationship is, is still followed by the same emotions as the death of a person; anger, grief, guilt. Your husband is an adult, he will get by. But your son is just a little boy and has every right to grow up to be loved. Did you ever hear a little boy answer "when I grow up I want to be the boss, to hurt people and make them cry"? No, they want to be heros. Give him the chance to be a hero by being HIS HERO. You will love yourself for that. Take care and good luck.