who do i blame?

Question

my dad cheated on my mom, but my mom decided to tell all the kids about it (ages: 8, 8, 12, 13, 15), my dad beat my mom once, but my mom does the same thing to me everyday

from birth i've always favored my dad, it's almost like i'm programed to think everything my dad does is right and everything my mom does is wrong. and now i have to make all these decisions about something i shouldn't even know about.

my councelor won't pick for me, but she did tell me i'm stressing myself to much. should i just not worry about it? how can i just forget what i know? i've already forgiven my dad but for the first time in my life i've been doubting him. i don't know whether or not he's telling to truth, and it kills me to second guess him. i feel like i'm betraying him.

i don't want to have to chose between my parents, but they're FINALLY getting a divorce and my mom is pressuring me to take sides. now do you see what kind of a mother she is?

please help!

Answer 1

You don't need to blame anyone. More importantly, just make sure you don't blame yourself. This is between your Mom and Dad. It's not you business and that's how you should treat it. Regardless of what they have done to each other, you should judge them for how they have been to you.

If you Mom is a good wife or bad wife, that is meaningless to you. What's important is how good of a mother she is to you.

Same goes for your Dad.

Keep yourself out of their problems and understand there are three sides to every story..(1) His, (2) Hers, and (3) the Truth.

Answer 2

You don't blame anyone. The problems your parents had in their marriage aren't your problem or your business.

Explain to your mother that you know she has been hurt and disappointed, but that you think it is best if she keep the marital problems between her and your father.

The truth is that our parents are human. That means they do things that we think of as wrong sometimes. Your dad is not perfect and your mom isn't perfect, either. It sounds like your parents had a rough marriage and it is most likely true that your father cheated on your mother. The thing is, that is between them and should have no bearing on your relationship with your dad. Your relationship with your parents should be based on what kind of parents they are and how well they treat you, not what has happened between the two of them.

Where you live is a big decision and you should make that decision based on who is a better parent to you and will take care of you, teaching you what you need to know to be an adult. When you decide where you want to live, explain to both your parents that you aren't choosing between them, but that you are choosing to live where you think you will get the best care. Make sure they know that you love them both and that you hope to have a good relationship with them, without being put in the middle of their disputes.

Answer 3

Whatever you do, don't take sides. If you honestly feel that your dad is a better example for you to be a great person of society then LIVE with him, not CHOOSE him. Big difference. Of course any parent would be offended, but you have to do what's best for you, not for them. They chose to get a divorce, they chose to have kids, they chose to throw their marriage away when any marriage has a fighting chance to be saved unless there is violence, addiction, or cheating, but that sounds like they tried to work through the cheating...

Remember, it's not YOUR fault! Good luck and I hope that you get some decent advice here.

Answer 4

I feel for you. I've been where you are now. What your mother is doing isn't fair. They are both your parents and you love them both. You shouldn't have to pick sides. I know it's a very confusing time for you. Can you talk to your mom when she is having a rational moment and try to express how you feel?
Just tell her you feel caught in the middle because you are angry at your father for what he has done, but you still love him and you love your mom and you don't want to be in the middle.
I'm sorry honey, I just don't know what to tell you. I know how irrational parents can be when they are hurting. It's not your fault. You need to pick the one you feel safest with that you think will take care of you physically and emotionally.

Answer 5

Your parents are good people they are human and make mistakes. They made some dosies this time and because they are going through this hard time they are showing their bad sides. Do not worry about them they well be fine. The only thing you have to do is decide who you will live with. You know you can split the year equally between them, that way no one gets hurt and it gives you more time to see if you want to stay with one or the other. Good luck Honey....

Answer 6

your dad made a great big mess of things when he decided to be unfaithful and cheat on your mom. not only did his poor choice affect your mom, it has affected everyone in your family. maybe she shouldn't have told the eight year olds, but the rest of you are old enough to understand. so don't blame your mom because your dad decided to cheat on her! I'm not trying to get you to take sides, because you shouldn't. your mom is still your mom, and your dad is still your dad. you shouldn't be made to feel like you have to take sides. just tell both your mom and dad that you're not getting dragged into the taking sides game, and that part is for them to work out. neither of them should be trying to pressure any of you kids. just try and understand that your mom is hurting and she could probably use your support right now instead of your criticism.
I always loved my parents equally, and that's what they encouraged me to do. my mom is in Heaven now, and there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about her and miss her, and long to be with her. it's been almost two years now, and I still miss her just as much as I did the day she left. so for your own good, don't play favorites with your parents, and don't take sides because you shouldn't have to. you're their child, and they should try to do everything possible to spare you pain and grief, and give you a safe, happy and stable home. I know it's hard, but try not to worry about what's going on with your parents marriage, it will only get you more stressed. just tell them that you refuse to take sides, and that you know they should both love you unconditionally, and that you expect them to do just that!
I sincerely wish you the best, and I will keep you in my prayers.
things are going to get better.

Answer 7

Parents should never stick their children in the center of their conflicts. Complex adult issues should not be confided in children. If your mother cannot understand this, you may be more mature than her. You are under no obligation to take sides. This is their problem and should remain so. I know it's difficult when the adults act like children but do your best not to let them drag you into the dispute. Be a kid, enjoy your adolescence and leave them to their own bickering.

Answer 8

Oh I feel like I wish I could tell you what to do to make this better, but there seems to be so much more to this situation than you could ever explain and I just don't have the answer. Try to figure out what is going to make YOU feel better. If that means sitting down with your parents and telling them that you will not be in the middle of what's going on and let them figure it out. Please just take care of yourself and keep talking to your counselor. I think that will help. Bless your heart and best of luck.

Answer 9

A cheater doesn't make a bad parent. Who do you trust more to be the better parent...NOT your friend! NO child needs their parents as their friend. You'll need the most mature parent, the one who makes you brush your teeth, takes you to see your health professional, the one that makes you do your homework, clean your room, say your sorry, goes to your parent/teacher conferences, volunteers at school, helps guide you through life...this is NOT taking sides. It has NOTHING to do with loving one more than the other. Write down which one makes those neccessary appt. Which one takes you to them. Which one keeps after you to do what is right. That is the one who you should live with. The other parent is the "disney parent". Can you go to your dad if you start your period? Would he buy your pads/tampons? Can he feel comfortable taking you to see the gynocologist for the first time? Take you shopping for bras/panties? Things to think about. My daughter thought she wanted to live with her "disneyland daddy" at 11.5...so I sent her there. She is now moving back in with me after 1.5 yrs of custody battles. Look at the long haul...NOT just NOW. My daughter doesn't want her dad knowing anything about her privates. She lives in a diff state. She calls ME if she thinks she has a yeast infection. Now how can I know? She doesn't feel comfortable showing/telling her dad the symptoms. He pressures her to see a male gyn...she refused to be seen. I had to "sneak" her to a female gyn over the summer when I had her. What a mess. Anyways, I'm getting her back in two months! Whew!

Answer 10

She should never ask u to do that. Its wrong for her to do it hun. I am soooo sorry u have to deal with this.
My suggestion is that u tell her its not fair to have to choose. She needs to realize what she is asking from u.
I am not sure she will, but at least u have spoken your mind.
U dont have to understand why parents do the things they do, and again your mom shouldnt have told u kids what the father did.
Your mom sounds very unstable and I feel for u.
I suggest you talk to your dad, since mom has brought all the dirty laundry out in the open. He may be able to smooth the rough edges u r feeling right now. Talk to him. Be honest and ask him the questions u need answers to.
Good luck to u hun.