teenage problem help?

Question

okay im 14 and am in the 8 grade. i live with my grandparents because my dad walked out on his family(me, my brother, and mom)and my mother lives in gilroy. i love her to death but theres no way i could be able to live with her, she is bipolar and suffers from depression..but she has always been there for me. anyways my brother is in jail for 13 years and is only 19..i want to make something of my life and have excellent grades..other than my intermediate family--my grandmother was an 8 grade teacher for 35 years and is now recently retired and as my granfather..they have a son(my uncle) who is 26 and is brilliant..he graduated from berkely..im planning on going to berkely too. i know right from wrong and am very mature for my age..mostly because of what i have been through..i dont cause a lot of trouble but theres those moments. sometimes ill go drink or smoke pot, not a lot though..sober from drinking and smoking 4 months..im not addictive and only do it for kicks once in a while

i got caught only once..and have made a FEW bad choices..but now my grandparents treat me like i am always lying to them..no matter what and i feel insecure arounf them because of how i can never tell them anything because they somehow turn it around on me and make it my fault..i dont go out with my friends much because they want me to always call them, tell them where i am, and they will even check to make sure im there! i cant go anywhere with my friends because they need to know their parents..i ask them to meet them..but they object..so basically im becoming antisocial..im going to high school and thet want me to take these university prep courses..and i know its for the best..but im worried about high school and the classes im taking..im also running for asb officer..but they smother me! i try to tell them im nervouse and i respnose they say..well if u dont want to go to college then do what you want..and then we get in an argument that turns eveything around on me

we always get in fights becaue they take things soooooo seriously and they give me no trust at all..its like i have this feeling of constant disappointment from them...i try to talk to them numerous times but we always get into more fights and they turn EVEYTHING around on me and make me feel guilty..how can i talk to them..i try to tell them how i feel but they just say bullshit and that im making it up..i cant take it anymore all the stress no trust EVERYTHING! nothing is good enough for them

Answer 1

Hey GF----sorry about your Mom's condition---I have seen the roller-coaster effect due to bipolar disorder and it can be quite rough.------I am thrilled to learn you have made a commitment to make something out of your life.-sound to me like your biggest problem right now is communication with your grand-parents.....this is frequently a little bit harder when there is a generation gap---I do hope you all can find a way to bridge the gap. This may take some time but a good way to begin would be to prove you are a person who keeps their word-----if you say I will get that chore done tomorrow---make sure you do it on time----if you say you will be home at 5:00------try to get home at least 15 minutes earlier (never later)----the list could go on and on---but thats not the idea----the idea is to apply this being truthful concept to everyone you do any kind of dealings with------once you establish that you are a person of integrity and honesty then you will get admiration and respect.-----tell them this is your goal----and I hope they give you enough breathing space to flourish. Try to stay happy and wear a smile---it's contagious. Try to find humor in life and share it with all. Don't be afraid to laugh and smile--------you will be a light for all. Good Luck

Answer 2

Here is the deal. I have a daughter who is 17. If I found out she smoked a little pot or had a little drink even once in a while, would I trust her? NO.
Your Grandparents have been through a lot. From a crappy acting kid to one in jail grandkid and another they have busted on a few things. They are also old school about things. Why? Because they are older!
You have had it rough and it sucks sometimes. But you have an opportunity here and your Grandparents do not want to see you blow it.
At the age of 14, when a child smokes pot and drinks, the percentage of them going on to use other drugs is much higher. Your Grandma, being a retired school teacher has probably seen it a thousand times.
If you want them to see your view point, try seeing theirs. They are raising another family. While you did not ask for it to happen, neither did they and all should be grateful for the love and support you can all give one another. There is plenty of fun to be had without resorting to those "moments" as you call them. Try earning trust back by being respectful and helping out around the house even when you are not asked. That shows maturity. Keep up with good grades and develop some hobbies (painting, writing, sports). Good Luck.

Answer 3

I understand how you both feel. You feel like you are a good kid and want to be treated with respect. But your grandparents, who apparently love you very much are scared. Things are so much different now than they used to be. There is so much offered to kids nowadays. There are things that many kids do now casually that were considered the end of the world in the past.

I think you should try to make an agreement with your grandparents. Draw the rules out carefully and precisely. Don't argue with them. Talk WITH them. Ask them to talk WITH you not to you. Understand that they do only want the best for you and you need to offer them the best of you. DON'T EVER LIE. It will bite you in the butt. Treat yourself with respect and ask them to do the same and understand that if you break the rules, you will live out your punishment without a word.

Do not act defensively, it only gives the appearance that you have something to be defensive about.

Most of all, just understand they love you. They're not trying to protect you because they want to ruin your life. Being a parent is a scarey thing. There is a lot on the line. Nobody is perfect and noone knows the exact right way to do things. Give them a break and ask that they do the same for you.

Answer 4

I'm sorry for you I really am . I on the other hand am a single dad of four . My oldest son is in year 8 also . Some of what you write wrings true in our relationship as well . I also have three younger children and my ex is bi polar only she has never been there for her kids .
I think what your Grand parents have is a phobia of disappointment.
They are reacting to their own fears rather than the reality of what you are really doing .
They may be a little to controlling and bully you as a result .
I know this because I see your situation being close to my son and myself.
I am working on my own fears toward my son and trying to give him more rope and react quietly to any confrontation .
I think the desire to control another is habitual it can be broken but not easily .
They probably also fear you growing older and apart from them , and in their mind by keeping you down they are slowing down what will be inevitable.
I cant give you any fast answers .
You will be OK just don't loose that desire to do something with your life.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, you have violated their trust, and you are going to have to earn it back. This takes time. Follow their rules, continue to pursue your studies. It will get better, just give it time. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, but at 14, you should not be drinking or smoking pot. If I would have gotten caught doing that as a kid...I don't think my parents would have let me out of the house until I was 18!

Answer 6

well, i hate to say it but you sound like u cud be my son.he just turned 16 today and he's been getting into **** since he was 14. he was smoking pot, and might still be, drinking, i know he's still doing that. u know the people u love just want u to succeed in life. u HAVE to have a decent job to make any kind of money these days. my son drinks but only twice did he get passed out drunk. i have so much to say..not lecture. but it's from experience. you're def going down the wrong road. drinking/smoking doesn't get u respect...u have to earn it and that's something my son is learning to get back from us and could've had it from the beginning if he just didn't start but i don't know about peer pressure. anyway, feel free to email me. remember, u have control of ur life and ur decisions. good luck. Diane

Answer 7

First of all when you break someones trust, it takes a very long time to rebuild that trust. You are in a very rough situation, but you can do it. You need to start by staying completely away from alcohol, drugs, smoking...all of it. Maybe start by asking your grandparents to take you to church, maybe you could meet some girls there that they would trust you to go out with. Believe me, I have a son who is 22 and I don't trust him to this day, he broke our trust over and over. My daughter is 14 and very mature for her age as well since she has learned so much from her brothers mistakes. You need to sit your grand parents down and have a good heart to heart with them. Maybe make some kind of deal with them...If you keep their trust they will agree to meet a friends parents etc....something that seems reasonable to you and to them. Good luck!

Answer 8

wow... it soundslike you have alot on your plate!!! im sorry...
not to lecture, but drinking and smoking some pot... youre not the first to do it, but obviously its not working for you at home...
you sound like a very bright individual who had a bad hand dealt in the game of life...
you can still be who you want ... the very successful individual you dream of being...
i have a 12 year old son... he is in a turmoil over things... why dont you contact us... maybe you and him can talk... on line, or whatever... e mail us! be strong, and i promise things do get better.... keep in touch!!!

Answer 9

i think you are taking this totally wrong in the first place remember your the one that screwed up the first time and it takes time for parents to trust again. in the second place i think that its so cool that they love you enough to want to know who your with and what your doing there is so little of that these days parents are so buzy working and stuff that they just dont have time to check on thier children. and as far as them wanting you to get ready for college they are wanting you to make something out of yourself they want you to do some thing with your life i dont see any thing in what you said that was bad against your grandparents they love you dude they dont have to raise you they want to . get over it you are wanted and like every teenager in the world they just want to do what they want to do and they dont think its any one elses buisness well it is its your grandparents buisness and they want the best for you why dont you just make it easy on yourself and let them love you.

Answer 10

in all honesty, i think that you should focus on school and getting good grades and building up the trust with your grandparents before anything else....because in the end, family is there for you and friends sometimes change....