I found out my husband of 16 years has been having an affair and i can't deal with it please help?

Question

I found out 4 months ago that he had been sleeping with the secretary at work.Her husband found out and phoned me and told me all about it. My husband told me it had been going on for about 5 months. He said that he did it because it was offered to him on a platter and that our relationship was fine. And that he loves me and does not want to lose me. What hurt the most is he brought her to our house while the kids and i were away and had sex with her in our loungeroom. I have know ideal how to get through this, i feel like nothing and i am depressed all the time. I think the best thing is for him to leave but i just don't know. I know everyone has different ways of dealing with a cheater but i would just like some advice from people who have been in my shoes. Thanks so much

The woman he was with fell for him emotionally and i don't think she could handle that he didn't want anything to do with her when it all came out so she would call me late at night or text me messages saying don't forget your loungeroom and she even got her friends to call me and abuse me. I did call her and abuse her but i think i have every fight to.She also quit work because her husband made her.

Answer 1

I have been in your shoes and it is not easy to figure out what to do. I forgave him and we have been married now for 25 years. The thing is it is always in the back of your mind and this happened 17 years ago I mean we're okay and all and I never bring it up but certain names or songs just make me feel sick. You think you know what you would do if it is someone else but when it's you you're just not sure. I know it hurts and you probably blame yourself for his behavior but it is his fault. You need to decide if you can ever trust him and even if he tells you he don't want to talk about it, to bad, if you need to talk then he better answer. Because if you don't get all of your questions answered now it will follow you years down the road trust me I know. But you decide what is best for you and your kids if someone would do that to your daughter what would you tell her and how would you feel then maybe you can figure out what you need to do.. Best of Luck to you. It's not an easy decision no matter what one you make but you are the one that has to live with it...

Answer 2

I think that your husband is a coward. He can't admit that he cheated on you because he wanted to. instead he has to come up with excuses to make it seem like it was the only option that he had. In my opinion that unwillingness to take responsibility for his actions is enough for you to divorce him. You also have to consider the fact that it was going on for 5 months and that he wouldn't have told you about it if you hadn't found out first. He had sex in your house!? Are you serious?
The problem is that people get emotional when something like this happens. You get so emotional that you don't realize how serious the offense is. You may be thinking that he was telling the truth when he said that your relationship was fine and hoping that you can still be together. The fact of the matter is that that isn't true. He obviously doesn't respect you and isn't ready for a committed relationship. He sounds as though it was just a casual thing that he had with the other woman so if you give him another chance what will stop him from doing it again. I know that being cheated on hurts (trust me) but when something like that happens it should be a deal breaker in my opinion. If you had done that i'm sure that he wouldn't be anywhere near accepting of it. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do though.

Answer 3

The main focus should be YOU and YOUR kids. Right now, you really don't have to sit and talk to your husband and find out the WHY's behind the whole affair.

Go stay at a relative's or friend's house for a few days. This will allow you to sort out any issues you may have during this time. Don't allow your husband to pressure you into making a decision about your marriage.

Don't be forced to make a decision based on your husband playing the guilt role and DO NOT allow him to use your children as reasons that you should stay together. Keep reminding him that the kids should have been HIS priority when he was sleeping around.

I am sorry you are going through this tough time and I hope you take some time to clear your head before making any permanent decisions about the fate of your marriage.

Take Care.....

Answer 4

Perhaps some time away from him would help. If u havent had time apart, then I would suggest this.
It will give u time to see if splitting is what u really want, or it will make u realize that u can overcome it for the sake of your love for him.
I know people who survive infidelity but it takes a very strong couple to do it. Its a hard long road to recovery and forgiveness.
It will take a long time to regain trust, that is if u ever do.
If you do decide to try to work it out, u must vow to never throw it in his face during a heated arguement. If u cant do this, u will never make this work.
There are books and sites on the internet that can help with what ur feeling and what to expect and options that u can take.
I wish u luck hun. I am sorry u had to have this happen to u. He doesnt deserve u, but if u love him, then I say try to work it out. But, only if u think he can be trusted not to do it again.
U have been married to him for a long time and its worth a shot if there is love.
Dating isnt like it used to be 16 years ago. Trust me, single isnt so good either. But, sometimes its better than being betrayed and let down.
Best of luck on your decision.

Answer 5

Ok...I was in your shoes last summer. I had 19 yrs invested in our marriage. I know how lost, painful and confused you feel. First thing..stop contacting her and her friends. If she contacts you..document it. Get yourself a notebook and write down everytime her or her girlfriends contact you. Whenever I felt overwhelmed by my feelings I got busy. I have a whole new front yard now. I tore out about 7 bushes that I have been wanting out for the past 12 years. Whenever I got angry or felt like I was going to cry I just took my shovel and headed for the front yard. I now have some pretty flowers and grass growing where the stupid bushes were. I am currently working on the inside of my house. Yes..make him move out!! Took me 3 weeks. I finally got him to move out. The first few months were the worse..the sadness, empty house and the loneliness I thought were going to be the end of me. My 4 kids were the reasons I carried on. Its been 9 months now and I can honestly say that the kids and I are a lot happier now then we have been in a really long time. Best of luck to you Sweetie and HUGS

Answer 6

I am very sorry to hear that. The Bible teaches that divorce is legitimate at adultery, but it is best advised to try to work it out for yourself, your husband, and the kids. But as a Christian, i dont know how to accept it. Pray for guidance. If your husband is also willing to work it out, go to counseling. From your situation, i have to sadly say your man is a jerk and doesnt seem very sorry after all. The secretary might lure him to the trap, but he gave in. Just like Eve offered Adam the fruit, but Adam the Man was to stop it. Your man could have avoided if he especialy love you alot. But he went on the affair for like 5 months. How seriously regretful is he? I might make you feel better by this message, but i definitely try to open up your mind and consider a divorce. Many say it is bad for the kids, but it is not always, cos then the kids wont grow up with a family of no trust and a bad-example cheating dad. It is very hard to rebuild the trust, therefore, you might be better off. Best wishes.

I will pray for you. God bless.

Answer 7

Yup i've been in your shoes.... he basicially **** on you and your kids, how dare he do that in your home, that is reallllllly crook,what and he told you those details just to hurt you some more ?? offered to him on a platter... pftttttt..... and he just HAD to take it eh... Sorry heard the pathic excuses to justify that behaviour before.

I personally couldnt and wouldnt be able to ever trust again,i think once a cheater, always a cheater, the trust that was built within your marriage has been totally destroyed... only YOU know if you can live with it, move on from it, and forgive......and forget....

I wish you well and send you some strength during this painful time....

Answer 8

I think the best thing for now would be to get away from each other. You need time to sort through your feelings about this and you dont need him there while you do. I had this happen to me before, of cousre I was just dating the guy, but we were together for 4 years and he was cheating, I was devastated. I ended it with him and I am glad I did. I took two years of alone time to figure out what I wanted in a relationship and what I wasnt going to take, but I know things are differnt with you because this is 16 years of your life and you have kids with him, so sorry. I do think you need time to yourself.

Answer 9

So what's going to happen the next time it is offered on platter? Also, how can you really believe that this is the first time. The only reason you found out is because the other husband told you, not because your husband felt some guilt or feelings about it.

Answer 10

I think you should make him leave...he needs to know that you aren't going to tolerate him cheating and bringing another woman into your house. I haven't been ina commited relationship for as long as you have, but I have seen plenty of cheaters and they think they can just keep doing it if you forgive him. What if another woman offered it to him on a platter? I think he wouldn't turn it down. Whats worst than the first time is the second and third...You need to let him know how you feel about what he is done.