what to do with a stressed out wife?

Question

my wife is stressed at work. Stressed at home. stressed all over the place and she's displacing it onto me. we have three kids and she has a stressful job. I do a lot to help her out but she does stupid things like sign up to coach soccer. I keep telling her she's running herself ragged and ruining our marriage. Most people with a stressful job and three small kids don't volunteer until the kids are older. Now she's saying I don't help out as much as I should. I do a lot. I'm sick of it and told her that maybe we should separate and she can find someone that is right for her if she thinks I do nothing. She pleases everyone but her family. I tell her she's going to be divorced and dead if she doesn't wise up and scale back. I'm sick of helping because it's never enough. What can I do?

Answer 1

It's ok for you to feel overwhelmed however you got to realize you made a commitment to be by her side in good times and bad times. You chose to say yes in that altar to be together for the rest of your lives. There is no easy way out, trust me you think this is hard well this is nothing compare to how hard it will be if you divorced. If you guys are at this point, talking or thinking "divorce" than you definitely need to seek professional help. You are not the only man that feels this way, I went trough the same thing and believe me I wish I would've listen when some one suggested for us to get help.
I thought being in the relationship was too much feeling like you do, well separating has being a living hell. I wouldn't wish it even to my worst enemy.

Answer 2

I have a 13yr old son and a four month old son. Your wife probably doesn't want anyone to think she's incompetent. Woman are supposed to be able to take care of there own kids that's how we're trained by society. Tell your wife you won't think less of her for excepting help. Or maybe she can get an high school girl and pay her a small fee to come over between 3:00-6:00pm just to give her time to get stuff done around the house. You should take your wife somewhere to be pampered like a his & her's spa day and then get a room and just cuddle with her and let her know how much you appreciate her. If she's feeling frisky then you do all the work if not just hold her. Maybe she just needs a good cry or maybe she just wants you to listen to her. A bubble bath together with candles and wine is great also. Footrubs and flowers are always a winner.

Answer 3

The stressful job is a problem, because your wife is obviously not able to get rid of it while at home with you and the kids. In addition, she is also trying to do her part and spend time with the kids, which is good. May be she can change jobs? If both of you earn, she can get a job that poses less stress for her and allows her to work normal hours, may be even a little shorter, so that everyone gets the necessary attention. Breaking a family with three kids apart because of a stressful job does not make sense to me. You will harm the children very much not just through the separation, but through moving them between two houses - taking valuable time you can spend raising them. Moreover, it does not seem you have serious issues besides the job. If you have taken responsibility for raising three children, something in the entire scheme has to go, and the problem is known. Your wife will feel much better herself, if she has relaxed time after work, and can not only take care of parenting and being a spouse, but also do some personal care things. It seems both of you will have more time together and with the kids, and be able to better plan who and how will contribute. As soon as that's in place, you can enjoy it. Instead of calling her "dead and divorced", show some appreciation of her situation, and find a good time and way to talk with her about that (do something and get her out of the stress to show her how nice it is to be relaxed, if she has forgotten this feeling). Your position sounds too uncompromising for the circumstances described. Show her in a different way you are the right one; not just claiming doing all the work. With three kids, it even may be a good point to discuss if one of the parents could switch part-time until they are grown up to take some of the care on their own shoulders. That is something, by the way, you can teach them at all times - gradually they will pick up things you or your wife are doing, and contribute to an even better balance and family time.

Answer 4

Wow! It sounds like she needs to stop and breath and look at her priorities. As her husband you are #1 and if you don't feel that way, something is not right. I wouldn't threaten her with a divorce though, that will only push her away. Maybe she doesn't know how to organize her life. A professional could help her, someone to talk to. As a woman we feel like we should be able to do everything when we eventually come to realize one day that we can't. She also might feel guilty for working that she feels that doing more with her children will help. In this case sometimes less is more. I bet your children would be just as happy with her attending the games. This would be less stress on her and everyone would be happy. She should focus on her family's happiness first, job second, and everything else is extra. I have an aunt who does the same thing and always complains she never has time for herself. I look at her and think then stop trying to do so much, Rome wasn't built in a day. Relax enjoy the life you have, it doesn't have to be filled every second of the day to make you a good person. I hope things get better for you.

Answer 5

Sometimes the problems seem biger than they really are.
You need a little perspective.
Marriage is such a complicate thing that we need a map of it. That's why I think this book is so great:
Marriage Map , The (Mass Market Paperback)
by Maxine Rock

It's very good to erad it and see in which stage you are right now.Then you will realise that you are not the only person that goes thru this, and that doesn't meen the relationship is over.

What to do:
Identify the stage for both of you, see if you both are in the same stage.

Then you learn how to solve the problems.How do you do that. By comunicating.That's the hard part. Try to spend lots of time without talking about problems, and decide one day of the week to be the day when you talk about issues that really bother you. In this time use the good comunicating skills,there is a good technic described in the following book:

Fighting for your marriage-Howard J. Markman. I got an audio copy from the library so I can send the mp3 file to anyone who is interested.

After you learn how to fight right you can realise that most of the problems you argue are not the issue.
For example, my husband and I we were talking about how wanted to spend 5 extradollars on food.my issue was :he is controling his was:I never care about his wants.

I hope this will help a little bit.

Answer 6

Threatening divorce is only adding to her stress. She is stressed because she is trying to be super mom and wonder wife. If is a role that some women need. Yes it's stressful, but it's fulfilling as well.

There are a couple of things you can do to help her relax a little. 1. Give her a trip to a day spa. She will come back refreshed. 2. Get a babysitter and take her out to dinner and a night at a hotel. It would be like a mini honeymoon.

Remember she is only stretching herself so thin because she loves her family. You could do smaller things for her as well (occasionally not daily) surprise her with a candle light bubble bath, wake her with kisses, surprise her with flowers....

If you can get her to realize how good it feels to slow down, she might do it more often.

Answer 7

The best is to have patience and be kind. At least try to show that you are ready to help her and suggest to go on a vacation as soon as you can. Change the routine more often. Offer her a massage at night. Take her to a romantic dinner as a surprise when kids are not around. Many things work. Just don't let her stress cause you stress also.

Answer 8

She needs to quit with some of these things, like the coaching. She needs to realize that she's wearing herself so thin by doing all this stuff. I can say help more around the house. Another thing I could say is she may need to find a job that is less stressful. She is running herself ragged and she needs to slow down and relax. She needs to quit putting her career before her family, because eventually if she doesn't quit neglecting her family, she's going to lose them.

I suggest that you both go through marriage counceling, because I think it would help you both alot. And I think if you both go, it could save your marriage.

Answer 9

I dont know what you can do. You have told her she is overstretching herself. Have you asked her why she is doing it? She needs to get in touch with her feelings, because she is doing everything to push them to the background....something is going on in her head and she is using keeping herself busy as an excuse to not confront what the real problem is.

Maybe the only way things are going to change, especially if she is unwilling to listen to your concerns, is to actually do what you say. Sometimes people need a shock to make them realise what they are doing is wrong. Your words havent stopped her, so maybe your actions will.

How many times does the wife/husband change their ways when their spouse actually finds another to get their needs met with. They initially blame the person who cheated, then when they analyse the role they played in the cheating, they come to realise they could have done more to keep their man/woman faithful. In many cases the spouse tells the other one that their needs are not being met, but they think its all talk. Maybe your wife is the same, maybe she needs the shock of you actually doing something for her to analyse the part she played in the split. Maybe that is the only way she is going to come to terms with whatever is bothering her.

She needs to get her priorities right. It seems everything, but the family, is her priority. I certainly could not live like that. I need affection and love. I need to be shown my spouse is committed to me. This is not happening in your marriage and it would be doing so much damage to your psyche. Your kids wouldnt be feeling too good about the situation either.

I used to work with street kids and it took me away from my family, a lot. My kids used to tell me that I loved the street kids more than I loved them.....I couldnt see it. My husband strayed and our marriage ended. While I dont believe it was all my fault....my work commitments were a contributing factor. I also think my ex husbands work schedule played a major role in our divorce too. He worked on the railway and his shifts were long and took him away from us, when he wasnt working, he was sleeping, so he had very little time to spend. I think they did a survey within the railway and the divorce rate was something incredible like 86%.....so yes, work committments does cause divorce. Your wife just has to realise this.....How? Shock her into believing it.


I wish you well.

Answer 10

Does she have to keep her job?
Perhaps if you can get by ask her to stay home and find something with less stress on her and the kids.

I have 3 kids and their life alone is a full time job! It's just human nature for us "moms" to feel like a super power.
Wanting to be a part of every aspect and holding it together.

I quit my job in Dec. (I did not have to work) but chose to because my kids were finally all in school. I realized my job was the source to all my stress (and yes I was a biatch to my husband whom I love dearly) he was pretty supportive and said to find where a job fit in with me and he's been great with allowing me to work from home -

Just a suggestion - Life doesn't let up but tell her to do some things for herself and spell out just what it is she wants from you. Sounds like you care enough to ask. :O)