Married for 10 years...no longer happy?

Question

My husband and I talked and we decided that we are both unhappy, not alot of love in the relationship anymore. I guess I am asking if there has been anyone else in this type of situation and what did you do to fix it?
I have been thinking of seperating for a while to see what happens, we also have two kids 8 and 5 I am a nervous wreck to bring it up, I am afaraid of failing if I did leave. I am looking for opinions, or suggestions to either stay or go if I stay I figure whats the point, life is to short to be unhappy and not giving him the love he deserves and vice versa.

we are unhappy with eachother, really no I love yous anymore, I think we have grown apart in ways that I don't know how to fix or start to fix, I am a recovering Alocholic started AA almost 4 months ago, it just hit me how unhappy I was when I stopped drinking, and no we haven't gone out in a while, but when we do we have nothing to talk about but kids, and work. You are all right, I would hate to divorce it would hurt my kids so. And I could most likley make it just a big step.
Thank everyone so much, I will take your advice to heart and try something different!

thank you everyone, we will look into counseling and try to make things work. When we got married we said that was it, it is amazing how in ten years things change. we shall see :)

Answer 1

(((hugs))) This is a tough position to be in. As somebody who has been married for a long time I believe loving your spouse is a choice we have to make. Know that your childrens lives will be permanently affected in a negative sense as their sense of security will be destroyed. Please try counselling and anything else that you think may help; there's too much at stake here. Here's a Dr. Phil link "Calling It Quits"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/23

Answer 2

Marriage is not all fun and happy ever after, daily life can take the fun out of it in a hurry. I always like to look back to the beginning of a relationship when I didn't think I could live without a person. See how far we have come together, you have come a long way with your two kids they have to come first before your marriage so they have taken away from the marriage but that is as it should be. I don't know any more about you but you must have worked hard together to create your family, been through hard times together, been there for each other so I say unless you have violence, cheating or the other major problems that break up homes don't let go of yours easily. If you have a good man you can work on being happy if you have a bad man you will never be happy no matter how much work you put in. I hope you have a good one if you do work on the happiness just don't expect that happy ever after fairytale it does not exist.

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear your marriage is not working out but it happens a lot. It is not good for the kids either, and you no what they could take it a lot better then you think they will. Sure they would rather have both of you. But you both need to tell them not just you. Make sure they know that you both love them and its not that they won't see there dad, that there dad will be there for them to. Your not along about think you might fail. I think every one does in there life at one time or another. But try and think positive. You will be surprised at how well one can do when they don't have a choice but to do it. Plus like you said life is to short to be unhappy so go out there and fine you some happiness.

Answer 4

Don't separate - that's the WORST thing you can do. You are a mom and your first duty are to your children, and the two of you are parents, needing to provide your children, these babies the two of you made, with stability and security. You two MUST work on your relationship, so you can offer decent role models for your kids. Your kids are at SUCH delicate ages, a divorce would totally devastate them, even a separation would.
Both of you have to be mature, quit being selfish (life is too short to be unhappy, indeed!) - and in general just smarten up. Change your attitudes, remember why you loved each other, why you got married, why you made babies together. When was the last time you were intimate? Gee, was it awful? C'mon. You are adults, you can read books on relationships, you can get counselling... it is your duty as parents to do ALL you can!

Answer 5

You are absolutely right. You deserve happiness, and if there is no longer love in your relationship, then it is the best thing to let it go.

I'm a single mum (five year old girl) and it seems SO daunting when you first separate - you wonder how you'll pay the bills, how you'll get the kids ready for school, how you'll balance a job and everything, but YOU CAN DO IT!

I work 40 hours a week, plus study part time to become a teacher and take care of everything.

And you know, some separation from your husband might show you both that you really want to make it work. Sometimes that old absence makes the heart grow fonder thing truly does work.

Answer 6

At least try to make it work for your children's sake. Especially if you can still get along with your husband. Maybe try dating again. Or doing things that you both enjoy. Do things that will bring out the best in both of you. It sounds like you just need to reignite your relationship and I doubt that what your feeling is uncommon.

I have not been in your situation, nor do I have kids. But I wouldn't let my marraige go down without a fight. (Not to say you have.) Maybe even consider marriage counseling- it has really helped some people that I know.

Answer 7

I don't give a rats butt what some of these people say - telling you to fall back in love with your husband. It's bull. Once it's gone, it's gone. However, you both have a duty to your kids. This is what my sister & her husband have done: After 10 years of marriage, they fell out of love. They have 4 kids. They decided to continue to live together until the youngest graduates from High School before they officially divorce. They continue to put up the appearance of marriage for the kids sake but have their own life and loves outside of marriage. It works for them.

Answer 8

The fact that you both can talk about your feelings to each other is a good sign. Maybe try some counseling, when was the last time you guys went out for an evening or all night? yeah that's what I thought. been a while huh
Try to find what brought you two together in the first place

Hope this helps

Answer 9

seperate for awhile, you both may realise what your missing.

and i hope you can work this out

kids are involved and they usualy get hurt the most from split parents, so both of you need to try a little harder.

do something diff, go somewhere alone, talk to each other and try to remeber the good things not bad.

think of things that turned each other on about the other.

you had to have something to start with

good luck and i wish you, your husband, and your kids the best.

try to have only good dreams, think of things that make you happy before you go to sleep

Answer 10

Well it is because you think you are right. He thinks he is right. You should think what you should had done if you were in his place and vice versa. Ask yourself what were your feelings when you two newly got married? Bring those moments in mind and focus on them. I think you will realise what has changed in the relationship. Try to fix those issues with him and talk with him about them. Dont get divorce. Divorce is like suicide (a coward`s act). Work on your differences and try to respect each other`s boundaries.