Divorced parents "drop off" issues?

Question

I am married to a father of 3 kids (I have 2 myself from another marriage.) 2 1/2 years ago my husband's ex lost her home and called one day saying "come and get the kids." The have been with us since then and their Mom didn't visit with them at all for over two years of that time. We have spent about $40,000 on attorney's fees to retain custody of the step kids (ages 12, 9 and 7) and it has been finalized. My husband has sole custody and Mom has set visitation of 2 weekends a month plus 6 weeks in the summer and a few holidays. Mom just started seeing them 2 months ago...things seem to be going well...except for one or two things. My 9 year old stepson begs to live with her everytime my husband picks her up and periodically throughout the 2 weeks they are with us between visits. He asks this in front of Mom who seems to be waiting for Dad's answer. My 7 year old stepson cries, throws things around the van and throws things we have bought him out the windows on the trip back.

We have no idea what to do when these things happen. What do we even say? Mom is NOT fit to have sole custody-she has proved this-but her visits are of course loads of fun because it is only a short time frame of responsibility. What do we say? Anything?

HAHAHA! Nice one, Daisy...Only I forgot to mention that he had been divorced for 3 years before I even met him...now, how about a real answer please?

These situations are tough to explain. I mention the cost of attorney's only to show that the biological Mom has fought us but her history proved she would not be fit...so all she did was cost us a fortune but the same and BEST result was the final one.

One more thing---since my husband and his ex-wife have divorced custody has switched places 4 times...the kids get with Mom, find it's not that fun and start fighting to get to live with Dad---even going as far as to fake injuries and getting the people next door to call police on their Mom. Yes, it's a real mess.

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. Colleen, we have already been to the judge many many times...and she has been deemed uncapable of providing for the kids 3 times with the judge once making the decision to not give Mom any visitation rights at all until she came out of hiding. She didn't come out of hiding for 18 months. I won't go into a ton of details and I realize this is a touchy subject but please understand that she truly is unfit to keep them long term. I love them and want them to stay here but also understand that it wouldn't be the end of the world to me if they decided to go with her...if she capable of taking care of them. Unfortunately that isn't the case. Whether she is fit or unfit isn't the bigger issue to hubby though. In his mind they stay here no matter what...which shows me that I can't win in this situation. When I posted a question awhile back that I didn't want to hold them back if they wanted to go I got crap. Now that I want them to say I get it. UGH

Answer 1

The truth hurts but it heals. Speaks facts in a non-emotional way. What you stated is something your kids need to hear "if it is true." Try to be compassionate while talking about this with them. You have to understand that they have experienced abandonment by their mother and they have finely gotten her back. I bet its a big relief to them and something that is very confusing to them - filled with mixed emotion. Unconsciously they may be scared that it will happen again... mom vanishing.

What needs to happen is that both parties are on the same page. These kids can not be caught in the middle like this. It is not healthy to them. I suggest you and your husband have a sit down with her explaining your position and her's to you and come up with an agreement. After that agreement is reached, then both of you have sit down with your children explaining it to them so that there will not be any confusion.

I feel for you. I bet it is heart-breaking knowing that you were there for these kids when their mother wasnt and their treating you and your husband like you are the enemy.

I bet your step-kids behavior is related to fear of abandonment and if that's so get them into counseling... family counseling also with the mother involved so that these issues can be worked out. Your step-kids know you and your husband is not going anywhere so that makes you all an easy target for their pain. You have to understand something about these visits with their mother. In a way, these kids could be unconsciously reexperiencing the abondonment issue everytime mom gives them back to you which could explain your young son's emotional outbursts in the car coming back. What you have to understand about behavior and emotion in children is that they are not always aware of why they feel the way they do. Adults dont either for that matter... thats why counseling is good because it helps a person gain awareness in regards to how they see life. Look into play therapy for your kids. At seven, strictly talk therapy probably wont make a difference even though you will find many professionals willing to see your kid.

I hope you find the help you need and I've said something beneficial.

Counselor Dan (Child Therapist)

Answer 2

Children often do not make decisions in their own best interests which is why we have to make decisions for them. The adults in this situation all need to get together and agree on some ground rules. The three of you need to be consistent in letting the kids know that it is not an option for any of them to go and live with their Mom right now because you are a family. Blended families are not successful on their own they take a lot of hard work. I suggest you prevent 7 year old from throwing stuff out of the van windows by ensuring there is nothing for him to throw. If the adults can't all agree/be reasonable maybe child services could help with guidance?

Answer 3

This is actually not that strange to hear. I really feel for you. Being the mother of a child in this situation myself I know that it's very hard to explain why, when the other parents house is so much fun and there are no rules and they went a long time without seeing them, so of course the children miss her, that is not the best place for them to be. My daughter acts out every time she comes home from supervised visitation with her dad, and she has said several times that she wants to go live with him, especially when she's in trouble. I am a firm believer that children need both their parents in their lives, and I never talk badly about her dad to her, but I tell her that daddy doesn't get to spend much time with her, so I'm glad that she has fun when she is with him, but she lives with us, and her daddy and I made the choice together that that is what was best for her, (even though I have sole custody because he is a convicted felon, on domestic violence charges multiple times, and I don't even talk to him due to protective order, I consider his actions him deciding that her being with me is what is best for her) so when she comes home, her attitude is not going to be tolerated, and she will be punished for acting inappropriately. We have rules at our house, and if the rules are followed there will be rewards, and our house can be fun too, but that is her choice. She's only 5, and I find myself having that conversation a lot, but it works. Also I always tell her how much I would miss her if she didn't live with me.

Answer 4

OMG...my foster child goes through this every visit...he comes home with toys / games / clothes / junk food...you name it. Last weekend he came home and packed a bag and when asked where he was going he said mommy said I was going back to live with her! We are currently going through a termination of parental rights on his mommy! I called the FSW to find out what happend...and she denied that mom said exactly that...she supposedly kept it neutral. Why after two years did you not file abondonment charges on this dead beat mom! Obviously she is making the visits this way for a reason that the children simply just don't understand. I would tell mom that if she is to buy the children things other than clothing, then to keep it at her place...or to simply not do it at all. She is one he(( of a lucky woman to still have visitation! I would simply sit the children down and tell them that their attitude and such is not going to be tollerated. The judge says you must live here and while you are here you will obey me and your father! If she asks in front of Dad...be a bi(ch...and say I don't know son...ask mommy why she didn't come around for two years. No, I really wouldn't do that...but just simply say in front of her that your house is the best place for him right now!

Answer 5

I suggest that your husband, his ex wife and your stepson go have a talk with the judge. It is up to the court to determine whether she is fit to have custody of the child and not you nor your husband. The judge will decide whether it is in the boys' best interest to live with his mother, because THAT is what matters, not your 7 year old stepsons tantrums.

Answer 6

Take the kids to a family counselor. The 7 yr old has separation issues. Tell them positive things about their mom, never negative. Just tell them The living arrangements have to be this way because the judge said so. They don't need to know why.

Answer 7

That's a tough situation. The parent with visitation is always the fun one & the one with custody is always the disciplinarian. Of course they'll want to be with her. She probably lets them do whatever they want to. You should have your husband sit them down and talk to them, tell them flat out what the situation is, that their mom loves them very much but she's not able to care for them & if they don't learn to behave after a visit with her they will be punished when they get home.
You need to control these kids, don't let these kids control you. They are too young to be allowed to continue to act this way, it'll only get worse as they get older.

Answer 8

For one you need to teach your Son a better way to handle frustration. Throwing things around and out the window is not a good way to handle it. There is the beginning of an abuser, he'll grow up breaking things and then start hitting others!! Then you just have to explain to him that the Judge said it is better for them to stay with you, and that is that. He is to young to understand that is seems more fun there because she only has them a short time.

Answer 9

This is a really, really hard one. You cannot willfully place these children in harm's way if she is unfit. The money you spent should not be a consideration, as how do you place a value on a child? They do not "owe" you anything because you spent money fighting for them. I opted to let my children be where they wanted to be, even though it ripped me apart. I figured, they can resent me for making them be with me, or they can resent me for letting them go, but I have to give them the option of being where they feel they want to be. But I wasn't worried about their well-being. I'd start by sitting these children down, and in their "young child" terms, ask them why they are so angry inside when they leave. Also, ask them why they want to live with their mother. They probably truly miss her. If you let them go with her, if she stabilizes, they may find out it's not what they thought it would be, and want to come home. You have to do what's best for the children in this case, and if Mother's house is for sure not good for them, you have to sit them down and explain that later maybe they can, but for now, you want what's best for them, and to make sure they are safe, and well. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

The ex is probably saying things to the 9 yo.
Your husband needs to inform her if this continue and she keeps filling the boys head with stuff he'll take her back to court for her to only have supervised visitation, with her.

He also needs to be keeping a journal of these incidents for later proceedings,

He also needs to put all his kids into counseling, they've been through a bunch.

Hope this helps,

P.S. he may need to reconsider is atty. $40 K sounds awefully high if he had them etc.