I am recently divorced. it has been 5 months. i was married for 16 years. all throughout the divorce process?

Question

and the separation, he and i have still remained close and intimate. i have always been willing to work things out, but he said he wasnt in love with me. now after everything he wants to come home. he says he misses his kids and he wants to be there for them. he misses the"family" life. i know he cares about me but it isnt true love. he wants to have an exclusive relationship with me but doesnt want to remarry, which is fine because at this point in time i wouldnt remarry him. I am just afraid of getting into this relationship and having him up and leave again since there are no guarantees. not like being married guarantees anything. i just dont want to put my kids through another breakup, nor myself. can a co-existent relationship work? can he fall back in love with me? i know some people would say i am stupid, but this man has been most of my life and i do love him. i think we just fell into a rut and i jumped the gun on the divorce thing. any advice?

Answer 1

I guess co-existing does work....but the word existing gives it away....why just exist, when you can love and be happy.....why are you holding on.....time is ticking by.....you have been divorced from him for 5 months, and separated from him for longer. One sided love never works and it knocks a persons's self esteem around something horrid. Youve made the break....the hardest part is over....there is still a lot more grieving to do, but really the hardest part is over. I think your mistake was continuing the intimacy with a man who doesnt love you.

I know you love him, but with time, you will find someone else you can love just as deeply, but maybe next time he will love you just as deeply in return.

Your kids are used to this situation now, and having your ex come back into your lives will confuse the hell out of them...and what if he does leave again?....you will have to start the whole grieving process over again. I know I couldnt put myself in that situation again....it hurts too much.

If, however, you do really want him back in your lives, even though you wouldnt be confident in the arrangement, then it is imperative you both attend marriage counselling. There is not a hope in hell that this situation will work without professional intervention. Yes, he may well fall back in love with you, but only through counselling can that happen. A good, qualified and experienced marriage counsellor has certain ways to take you back in time to rekindle the love he once felt.......if, of course, he ever really loved you.

Its a tough choice youve got ahead of you....maybe before you make any decision, you suggest counselling before he moves in....maybe after counselling you will decide it would not be in yours or your childrens best interests for him to move back in.....or maybe it will work out just fine. You have a big decision to make and you need help to make it...this is yours and your childrens future you are playing with, so the decision you make needs to be a logical one....that is why I suggest counselling....it will help you take the confusion out of your head.

Take care

Answer 2

Of course you are feeling an emptiness in your life since it's been quite a long relationship, but you deserve someone to love you too.I think you should keep things the way they are for now, spare yourself the replay of the past events. Your husband may be going through mid-life crisis and maybe is just disappointed in not realizing some of his goals. Just give it some more time and put your children first, that's the most important thing right now. But don't get yourself back in a situation that could be hurtful to you or the kids. Let the kids spend as much time with their Dad as he is willing to give, but stick to your guns and don't let him have his cake and eat it too!! Everything happens for good reason, I know, it sounds hokey, but it's true, so take this time to discover who you are, and what you really want in your life. Don't settle sweetie, you deserve the best and it will come when you least expect it!!! Good Luck and enjoy your children! God Bless!

Answer 3

He wants to be free but he knows that you are a good and moral person and that you will not become involved with someone else while he is there.
Tell him that he can have the kids every other weekend and a whole week every other month. You will get your life together. Sounds like a freeloader you shouldn't trust.

He should have thought about missing the family life when he signed the divorce papers.

Don't put your kids through that.

Answer 4

16 years is a very long time. He may have done this rashly while your marriage was going through a 'low' spot (which all relationships have). Now that the divorce is final reality may have hit him harder than he thought. It may be that there was someone else that he was either seeing or thought he had a chance with that didn't pan out (even if he denies this it is usually the real reason behind husbands 'falling out of love' with their wives). It is possible for him to fall back in love with you (and you him) but you will probably have to take it slow and set up a few guidelines - your kids would be devastated if they thought the two of you were going to get back together and then it didn't pan out. Who knows - the two of you might end up even closer than before.
You are not stupid.

Answer 5

If the reasons for you divorce were not resolved, they will occur again should you choose to re-unite with your ex outside of marriage.. Frankly, ending a marriage with continued relations is rather like cutting off a puppy's tail one inch at a time. Marriage is a commitment of respect, admiration, passion and trust, and you either have a marriage, or you have an occasional boinking buddy that is the father of your children..... Most women would not regard that as very satisfying if they wished to be available to find another life partner..... And this arrangement is something only you can decide meets your needs.... it apparently meets his. You will always be around, and he can go out and "share" with anyone...... And then think of the sticky mess if he finds someone for whom he has feeling, and he is still pronging you? At this point, he has the best of both worlds, and if you aren't troubled by that...... oh, well. Most women are of the opinion, "I don't share".... It's what ever is comfortable. If I were a single woman, I would not knowingly date a guy who was still intimate with his ex.... Does this kind of thing usually work out? It didn't with my parents, but it was 7 years dragging out.... and I as a kid, didn't appreciate it one last bit.

Certainly remain friends with your ex, and be cordial to him --- he is the father of your children. But if you wish to find another person as a love interest, having this guy still around will prevent you from being emotionally free.... An old friend of mine once said, "The only thing good reheated is stuffed cabbage."

Answer 6

In the end you know yourself the best you also have an inside track on him(hint, you are vibing on the possibility of a second break up.)

Bottom line: You hold all of the cards, he wants all the comfort and non of the commitment. He wants you to be his ace in the hole his rock of Gilbraltar while he is your part time bed warmer, your boomer pebble on the beach (that is only good for skipping, and that is usually a one way ticket, but he manages to make extra trips.) In the end what is really in it for you? What if you loose out on a chance at Mr. Hold tight, 24/7 Dr, Hit it right Feelgood? He the one that passed up that good stuff, just because he wanted to try a new brand not you.

Answer 7

First of all IF you were "intimate" during your divorce then you just might be in trouble. If you paid attention to any of the paperwork you signed you agreed to NOT have intimate relations with your ex during the divorce process because basically that is a waste of court time and taxpayer's money. Since everytime you were intimate you were acutally voiding the divorce process. Why didn't you just stick to being legally seperated rather than divorce if you couldn't keep from jumping one another's bones.

Answer 8

It is normal for both of you to feel the way you do. My first thought would be that the realization of divorce is hitting him. When you get married you expect forever. When that doesn't happen it leaves a very large hole that isn't easily filled. The easiest thing to do is to go back to "normal." You and the kids are his normal. If you both genuinely want a relationship again you should take it slow. Date. See what happens from there. If you go back to the way it was your likely to go back to "the way it was." If you get my point. You divorced for a reason. Work on that first.

Answer 9

Well only you are able to know what is truly best for you and your children. I will tell you from my own personal experience, I did the EXACT same thing. Got divorced took him back and again it didn't work and again my child was devastated. I was so comfortable with him and still so in love with him i truly thought I could make it work but co-existing sucks and if I'm not good enough to marry then the man needs to move on. Incidentally, after my ex husband and i tried several times to make it work after divorce, he got married again but not to me! My life is alot more stable and content without him. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Answer 10

sounds almost as if his new relationship with the other woman did not work out as planned so he wants to come back home. if he doesn't want to remarry u, this is an insult, and he could very well just walk out again, no strings attached. don't remain close and intimate, what gives him the right to come in and out of your life toying with your emotions, giving u hope, when he offers none. if u can't be what u were, i personally would not even sleep with this guy. if he is not in love with u, its really going to reap u no benefits, except maybe to have it better financially. but if there is no benefits to u, i would tell him no.