what should i do?

Question

my husband has been deployed to iraq for about a month and a half now. and we still have about five and a half months until he comes home. we are fighting everyday, about nothing, he is just insecure about being away. it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. and the worst part is he broke up with me the other day and then changed his mind the next day. we are married!!! you don't break up when you are married!!! so i am stuck, either be sad with him or without him. we have been "trying" to work on our problems for the past month, but nothing is getting accomplished. should i stay and hope that things will work out or leave and miss my love forever???

Answer 1

This is a very stressful time for both of you. Your husband is in a war torn country, he would be feeling all kinds of emotions. I am sure you are frightened for his safety as well, so your emotions would be all over the place too.....I think both of you need to acknowledge that this is not a normal situation for a husband a wife to be in, and making any kind of decision right now is not advisable.

The best thing, I believe, you can do is to not talk about splitting up at all.....both of you are under incredible stress with the situation your husband is in, and now is not the time to decide anything.....Next time you talk to him, tell him, you will not make any kind of decision about your future until he comes home and you can both talk rationally about it. Tell him, you understand the stressful situation he is in and that is why you wont talk about any kind of split until he comes home. Talk him into reserving any kind of decision until he comes home, but most of all, make him believe you understand why he is feeling insecure and fearful......Wait, with a capital W.....this is not the time to be splitting up. Yes you should stay, at least until he comes home, then make the decision. Next time he talks about wanting to split, just tell him calmly, that you are not going to talk about it anymore and you will be here when he comes home and you will talk about it then and tell him you love him and want him home safe.

I wish you both the very best.

Answer 2

I assume that you are talking on the phone. What's good to keep in mind in these situations is to remember what the purpose of contact is? Is it because you like to hear each others voice? Is it to establish contact that's reassuring to both of you? He's probably lonely and just needs your support. Tell him you love him everyday and that you think of him and you hope that he is well but that you understand that it is frustrating for him to be away from you, that you feel the same way. Start looking forward to him coming home, tell him the things you want to do when he gets back. He's in a tough place right now, I can only imagine what it must be like for him to be in Iraq, I wouldn't want to be him. Don't try to fix your problems while he's away, make more of a point to work on those things when he gets back. It's much easier to face difficulties together when you are face to face. Over the phone or any other way just leaves too much room for interpretations that could be hurtful. You obviously love him so be patient and understanding of him, things will have an opportunity to be dealt with when he returns. Hang in there! I'm sure there are many other women out there facing the same challenges similar to yours. Best of luck!

Answer 3

Talk to a counselor for your own well-being. I think the military has trained counselors to help couples work through the deployment. Also, try to connect with other military wives whose husbands are deployed. Some of them may have been married longer and have strategies for making it work.

In the mean time show how much you care in tangible ways. Send him real letters, favorite snacks, pictures, etc. Act like you are in love and the feelings will follow. This isn't the time to hash over every thing every time you talk or email. Call a truce, saying you can wait to talk about really important things face to face. Let him know you will always be there for him. If you really need to, vent to a trusted friend or relative so you can talk nicely to him when you get the chance. You are married and your marriage will be stronger after supporting each other through this trial. Always remember his strengths and why you fell in love.

Answer 4

I think he is scared “shitless” about being there, being without you, and being away from home.

Unless there is something deeper in this situation that you haven’t mentioned, I think what you need to do is have patiences and try to help him with his fears.

Whenever you talk to him, phone, e-mail, whatever it is, just ask about him, how is hie, how things are, any news about him coming earlier (don’t ask the same all the time either).

And then , talk about you, tell him how much you miss him, tell him what you have been doing, what you did on the weekend, the plans you have to take a vacation with him when he is back, etc, etc.

Keep him distracted, and if he gets into asking about anything that has to do with cheating, or close to it, just give direct and short answers, and make him feel comfortable by re-assuring you are just waiting for him because he is the man of your life. And if he ask about sex, just tell him you are more than happy waiting for him and thinking of him while having fun with your dildo. Of course, you r answers will depend on his questions and what you know he likes to hear. I’m just giving examples.

The idea is to make him relax. I bet you guys fight for very stupid things, and they are more like little kids fights. He is doing a big sacrifice for you and for all of us being there, so you do a little sacrifice for him and have patience and help him out.

And just hold on there until he gets back. Things should be better after he is back home and relaxed.

I can tell you two still think like kids because of that “brake up”, or at least him. So keep that in mind. You need to use psychology, and is not easy, but possible.

Good luck.

Answer 5

If you are fighting about "nothing" the solution is simple: stop fighting. Seriously. It takes two people to have an argument. If you don't participate, bam, no argument. Simply do not rise to the challenge. He is feeling very insecure, so when he brings up insecurities or accusations (which are outgrowths of insecurities), give him a very short, one-sentence reassurance, and then change the subject. Ask him what he did that day, or ask him about buddies, or how his platoon sergeant is treating him. No matter how many times he tries to pull you back to insecurities & accusations, keep reassuring and diverting. Be positive, upbeat, complimentary of him, and optimistic. You'll quickly see a change -- two or three conversations. Try it! You have nothing to lose and a much more pleasant husband to gain.

Answer 6

First of all, you can't do anything legally until he gets back (Uncle Sam doesn't allow legal things to happen to those who are busy with bullets whipping by). But that's a good thing, because you two need some time to figure this out anyway.

I would recommend a truce, no more fighting until he gets back. I would recommend writing and sending a letter a day. I would send him a care package a week (nothing big, maybe one could have his favorite candy, the next his favorite magazine ...). This does three things, it allows you to show him that you care, it lets him see that you care, and it fills your time and you can come back with, "I'm so busy with you that I don't have time for anyone else (said nicely, of course)."

The "breaking up" thing is just weird, but you do have to realize that he's in a war zone and that's enough to weird anybody out. He may also be hearing horror stories from other GI's. Just reassure him that you two will not be one of those horror stories, and then keep your word.

Good luck and shower him with your love.

P.S. They can't have porn over there, but topless is not considered porn (wink)!

Answer 7

wow if my husband was away for six months in a dangerous place I would have alot more to worry about than my own feelings. Sounds like you are using his insecurities and being far away as an easy escape from the marriage. Quite arguing and start calming his fears be supportive and loving and grow up.

Answer 8

Get outside professional help to help you both deal with the stresses of what you are both going through. Don't give up. Marriage will not always be happy, you need to accept the good times and accept that there will be some bad times also. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Your husband as well as yourself seem to give up on any little issue. You both need to focus on resolving conflict. First it helps to bring a little understanding into the picture. Try and understand how anxious he is feeling by being away from you. He probably hears alot of stories of wives cheating on their men while off to war. I know this feels unfair to you, and this is no excuse for his behaviour. But I feel a little understanding would benefit on how you feel. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 9

Just listen to him, you have the power to NOT fight back with him. He is in a war zone, and his emotions are running high, he is scared you are going to be unfaithful to him, he is scared for his personal safety, he is somewhere hostile and he is not comfortable in any way shape or form. You can turn the conversation around to the better. Just be pleasant and tell him nice things and if he starts to fight with you, tell him, lets not waste this call on this, I love you, lets not fight today, and then change the subject, to Oh, guess what the dog did today or something completely off the way. Diffuse the situation, he is in hostile territory already and needn't have that on the home front also. It will work out, this is tough on everyone.

Answer 10

In a relationship each person gets thier turn to have to be the one who balances things out for the other one who is off balance, My dear , it is your turn.I know it must be hard for you, but imagine how hard it is for him. Where I live, women who have husbands in the military(fighting for us) are out in the clubs most nights hitting on other guys. Being strong for your husband right now, when he can't be strong will make your relationship that much stronger.May God bless you both.