A new poem..what do you think?

Question

No no, this can't be true
you couldnt have died at this age of 22

I can't hear you rev up ur engine when
ur trying to say "hi"
And I will no longer see you in walmart
parking lot when we are passing by
God we all told u it would happen smeday
But why did it have to be this way?

U being gone is still so unreal 2 us.
getting a phone call wondering what is
all the fuss.

Then finding out ur gone forever
Thoughts then flooding my mind about when we were all together

I know 1 is dieing inside
her mind keeps going back to that painful ride
her heart screams out in pain
b/c her love for u is now going to drive her insane.
So how do u say goodbye
2 someone who can't reply.
Th is another one of those reasons friends shouldn't drink and drive

Ur not gone, I know it can't be true
I know it in my heart, cuz she's dieing w/o you.
Stop hiding from us
please come out and stop all the fuss.
We all know she isn't ready to say bye

cuz the only thing she's really saying is
Why?

U were her 1st true love
Now Im askin you watch over her from above.

TDB
More than a friend
More than a brother
2 some more than other

U will me missed &
U are 4 ever loved
ur smile will never fade
and your laugh will for ever stay

Rest In Peace

Brittany Dare Foy(c)2007

Answer 1

It's very sweet, although some lines feel forced in the process of rhyme overkill. You don't need to rhyme every two lines in order for your writing to be considered poetry.

Answer 2

I hear where you are coming from. Are you using this for a funeral or memorial?

I am asking because I think the imagery, not only the sentiment is worth working on sweety. If this is for you, take some time with it. Pour over it. Breaking it down a bit is better. Watch how you do it though. There is a reason there is such an intense history with poetry. Get that book on poetry and read it.

Remember you don't have to rhyme, its the flow. Rhyming sounds dated.

Watch your grammar, unless it is a developing style.

You could turn this into a beautiful prose poem. Put this into distinct paragraphs. One subject per paragraph! Make each paragraph a clear focused image. Your strength is imagery.

I love the references to things like the Walmart parking lot, that's great! Honest, real, contemporary! The part about reving the engine up is a beautiful reference that tells us something about who this person was. Do the same kind of thing to describe your own feelings.

Your experience of this loss(I have had loved ones die too)is confused like everyones is during a time like that. It shows a bit much. Keep things simple.

Again, use more actual descriptions. That may be painful but it will give your poem more power. That would be something I would appreciate if this were someone I knew and loved.

Keep bringing this one back for us to read. I would like to see what you do with it.

Hug!

PS Although I simpatize with the guy who talked about changin your subject I disagree with him. The most powerful writing or artworks generally, ar ethe ones that disregard keeping it pretty and just go with the way life is. Beauty and the beast!

A good writer has to bring it out of there own experience some how, it's called authenticity.

Also, there are a lot of beautiful landscapes on living room walls and the like and I don't think that has healpe the land itself much. Talking about realities does though. Besides, this is good for you to create if this is from your life it is cathartic.

Answer 3

are you a poet? If so then i have one piece of advice for you, (even though myself i am not a poet)try to talk about happier things. The world itself is so negative try talkin about life and happiness. You still dont have to listen to me

Answer 4

It's a bit casual, but use it if u feel comfortable.