My husband has the habit of belittling me in front of an audience, with the result I don't want people visiting here anymore. Each time he insults me in front of people it is the last time they are invited. We do not have any people coming around anymore, because I don't encourage it. However, tonight the neighours came for supper and he could not wait to give me 2 digs that were so subtle, only he knows and I know. Obviously the conversation continued without any reaction, but I am fuming. He has to stop this nonsense, the bluddy mysogonist @rshole.
He now blames me for becoming a hermit, but he is the cause of it. He waits till everyone is relaxed and enjoying themselves and then he climbs into me!
How do I counter such an attack in future? Don't come with this lovey dovey stuff, I am too upset to fall for this trash. I am totally livid! I want to degrade him to such an extent that he would never in his wildest dreams think of embarrassing or degrading me again!
2007-03-15 08:58:14 · 29 answers · asked by ? 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Time to move on?
2007-03-15 09:01:41 · answer #1 · answered by lulu 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to challenge him. He will go on doing that until you put a stop to it. I wonder how it got to this?Did you not get justifiably angry the first time? And if you did, did you not verbalise it?
You see, your hubby sounds like he may have poor social skills; a lack of knowledge about what is appropriate behaviour. It's a form of bullying; and the bully will only stop when we make him.
Be clear with him. Tell him seriously, that you want to discuss something with him.(Men hate those words). Tell him, honestly, how hurt and humiliated you feel when he starts undermining you; tell him you do not feel loved by this behaviour; You may need to tell him this stuff more than once; he has been getting away with it for so long he may take some convincing.
And don't stop asking people to your home; you are depriving yourself of company and pleasure; instead, when he starts that messing, cut across him very quickly and change the subject; get the other couple talking about themselves; don't give him an opportunity to belittle you at all. He may not actually see what he is doing.
When I met my partner first, he was a sulker; he could sulk for days. I knew I could not live with that - so I told him, straight, "that is not the way an adult behaves. Children sulk. If you think for one minute I am going to pay any attention to it, you can go now."
His ex-wife had pandered to his moods. I didn't. It took a while, but he got the hang of it eventually. I overheard him say to a friend recently, about me - "she's well able for me; I met my match"
2007-03-15 09:51:51 · answer #2 · answered by marie m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is a very insecure man !! To build himself up, he has to put you down. Some how, he thinks that others will find him witty and clever. But there;s something even darker here... this is how a controlling husband acts. I suspect that in time this will get even worse. And Hon... no, I would never belittle you by suggesting lovey-dovey crap. But I do suggest that you fix his butt by planning social events without him. Do not become a hermit because he has self esteem issues... call those girlfriends and go to a movie or concert. You're smart... you know how to handle this because you are not the one with the problem !!
2007-03-15 09:06:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all I wouldnt stoop to his level. however, next time you have company over and he does something like that call him on it. Ask him in front of everyone why he made the comment he did. and ask him why he feels the need to do it and then blame you for becoming the hermit. Lay all his shnit bare if you really wanna give him a dose of his own medicine. You know him better then anyone, what buttons to push. I honestly though would not stoop to his level though. I wish I could be more help.
2007-03-15 09:08:50 · answer #4 · answered by Ruth K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well as per the situation u described it is appearent that there is lack of confidence in you and u have lost complete sense of yourself. Now u have accepted the situation as a way of life. The first thing you can do is build confidence in your self. Try to remember what u were and what u wanted to be in ur life. Second thing u can do is try to discuss this sitaution with ur hubby and propse some practical solutions to stop this happening again. If it doesn't work you can leave him if it suits to you. But this is the last option. The best solution is discussion with cool mind.
2007-03-15 09:18:45 · answer #5 · answered by Razi Shah 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should either just tell him to 'F' off - as I would! I don't take those personal digs infront of people and will not be shy about arguing in front of other people.... hence, he doesn't do it!
Alternatively, you could look at your husband and ask him when he was going to suggest the new swingers club he has just found to the neighbours - sod the embarrasment, it would be funny!
Give him a kick up the bum and ban sex for a month! (at least!)
Good luck with that, if all else fails you could sell him on eBay!
2007-03-15 09:05:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My boyfriend used to do the same to me, when we met i dint have much and he has done a great deal for me but when we were in company he used to say things like "i remember you when you has nothing" and would start realing off how i used to live and what he had done for me, it was so embarrasing and i would be livid as you now are so in the end i would turn the tables and say things like " not that old story again, everyone has heard you put-me-down story so change the record" he would then look the pratt, he doesnt do it anymore.
2007-03-15 09:09:05 · answer #7 · answered by pu55y perfect 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your main problem is lack of communication. If you actually call him on this stuff instead of silently taking it, it might stop. If a conversation with him about it wont work, bring it up right at that moment: "So, are you TRYING to insult me in front of our guests or was it accidental and now you're going to apologize?" "Does it make you feel good to belittle me in public? Because it doesn't make ME feel good, and I doubt that anyone else here likes it, but if it makes YOU feel good, then please keep right on doing it." Stuff like that points it out to him in a really embarasssing way and should keep him from repeating it.
By refusing to invite friends over again however, you're only stabbing yourself in the foot, and not solving any problem. You might need to reflect that his comments make HIM look bad, not you.
2007-03-15 09:05:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing I can think of is divorce. If he always does this, he isn't going to stop. Next time you have company, you get the last laugh. After he says his little insult, say.....I am tired of your selfish hateful behavior and I am filing for divorce. I hope your next wife can take it better than me, because I am not taking it anymore. Then tell him you pity him for being miserable that he has to make you look bad to feel good. You do not deserve this treatment and need to get away from it. My prayers are with you.
2007-03-15 09:05:17 · answer #9 · answered by mom of 2 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is about control. He is so insecure he needs to have
power over you.
Is this a recent thing or has he always been like it. This tit for tat mindset wont work. You are an intelligent girl you need to
get to the bottom of it. Why does he feel the need to humiliate you like this. Find out and if he doesn't change, ship out.
2007-03-15 09:12:28 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him if he has the decency to tell you why he does this, and are you not strong enough to stop it ?. No man would be little me, he is being a bully, and you must stop it. You don't say how long you have been married and how long this has gone on for. do you have kids, and if so, what do they think ? If you don't have kids, then I would get out of there ASAP.
P>S I would get out anyway, and take the kids with me.
2007-03-15 09:06:51 · answer #11 · answered by Jeanette 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋