How do I tell my mother that we do not want her in the delivery room?

Question

We are expecting our first child. And it would be my mothers first granchild. My Mother in law however has 3 granchildren and was not present in the delivery room for any, she respected my sis in law privacy. My mother has already made comments to my aunts and sisters that she couldn't wait for the baby to be born. That seeing it born is different than having one. Helpppp! She is driving me crazy about other things to. I don't want to hurt her feelings but we want to do this alone. Thank you for answering.

Answer 1

Oh, you poor thing. This is one of those extra stresses that preggo moms just don't need. I think you have the best tactic: "Mom, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't feel comfortable with the idea of you watching the baby born." Make sure your hubby backs you up too and to your MIL. Make the rule apply across the board. "Mom, we don't want anyone except the two of us and the doctors in the room. It wouldn't be comfortable."

Here's how we handled it: My mother was in the room during my induction and early labor. She excused herself during exams for privacy. She had planned to be in the room with me, and I was all right with that, when the baby was born. However, that plan quickly changed once I hit hard labor and started to push. Mom was coming back into the room from making a phone call and the nurse told her I was ready. Mom stopped dead in her tracks. Her face went white and I could tell that all that confidence of standing by me during childbirth had disappeared. Now she was scared for her own little girl to be in pain.

She looked at me with the saddest eyes and I just said "It's OK, Mom, you can go."

She told me later that she never expected to feel that and that she was sad she couldn't be there, but she couldn't bear to see me in pain. It was all right, and honestly, I love my mom, but in hindsight, it's pretty dang gross and all out there, so I didn't want her to be THAT close to me.

Good luck!

Answer 2

The best advice is talk to your mother in law. Then, you and your mother and husband sit down and just be honest. Tell her you would like to do this without other present in the room and it's a descision the two of you made. your mother will understand. IF it makes you feel more comfortable, ask your mother in law to sit in. She's done this before, so she may be able to help your mom if she does have an issue with it.

This way your being upfront and honest about it and involving the whole family.

Answer 3

A couple of considerations for you as you decide how to handle this invasion. First, if you don't draw a line now then you will have to draw it later. If she gets between you and hubby it could wreck your marriage. Second, you can be firm and be kind. No need to have drama but you need to be comfortable. So here as possible ways to handle this:

1. Don't call her till after the delivery.
2. Tell her you aren't comfortable with her looking between your legs as you give birth.
3. Video the event and play it for the entire family and the next reunion.
4. Have your doctor tell her no.
5. Lie and say you have some contagious birth condition that attacks older women.
6. Say something like, "I am not comfortable with you being in the delivery room."
7. Offer to go with her for her next pap smear and sit at the end of the table to observe. I mean, it is different when you watch than when its you spread eagled on the table.

Answer 4

Tough one, I had to do this with my boyfriends mom and my mom. Both wanted to be in the delivery room my mom hinted and his mom just flat out stated it. What we did was we sat them down at different times and told them we wanted to go this one alone. We basically said that this is OUR first child and we understood that it is the first grandchild, but we still wanted to go this alone. We want to feel comfortable and not like we are on display. We want to be able to support each other without other people trying to help. When our daughter enters this world we want to be able to have a moment so to say, just us. We continued to explain that we appreciate everything they do for us and by no means is it personal. It is just something we need to do together. We also reassured them that by the next child we will probably be more open.
The only thing you can do is confront the situation head or it will spiral out of control and people will have to be more hurt than they should be.

Answer 5

Well what ever you do please don't allow the grandmother to "assume" that they will be attending the birth of your child.I was in labor dialated to 9 ready to have my daughter at any second when my mother in laws asks can I go in the room?I'm like ughmm no,I knew my whole pregnancy I only wanted myself,my husband and the dr in there.So,instead of my mother in law just understanding my request for her not to be in there,she yells"THIS IS MY FIRST BORN GRAND CHILD!I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOUR NOT GOING TO LET ME IN,NOW I'M COMING!" So here's me,trying to hold in my pushing untill we get to the delivery room yelling back at her,"I SAID NO!" Well needless to say the Drs. told her she couldn't come in and it was a really hard time to deal with her having so much regretment towards me and me dealing with post pardum,because of that.Well we did get over it my daughter is now 15 and I've had a son since then. During my preganancy of my son not once did she ask to be in the delivery room.Thank God!LOL,Now we have labor rooms she would of been in the room.I joke about it now but during that time I feel we should of both talked and really "knew" who would be in the delivery room.Good Luck.I'm sure she'll understand if you discuss it with her prior.

Answer 6

Such a toughie here.

I took a soft humorous approach. I told my mom that I didn't feel comfortable with anyone seeing my 'business'- and felt weird about her being there. She understood. The MOMENT I was sewed up she was in the room though. As a matter of fact everytime the docs and nurses came in and out of the room, I kept seeing flashes--- they were sticking their arms in the door and randomly shooting pictures while I was pushing!

After that... I asked my family to wait in the waiting room instead of outside the door for my other two children.
Just tell her how you feel. Tell her you don't want to hurt her feelings, but you would feel more comfortable with all the gory stuff if it was just you and your husband.

Good luck... oh and congrats!

Answer 7

If this is her first grandchild and she really wants to see him/her born, it's going to hurt her feelings if she can't be in there. You could try to soften the blow by telling her your feelings, and why you feel this way. As for her driving you crazy, she's just being a mother. Mothers are like that. I have a 19 month daughter and my mom has been driving me crazy for the past 2 years about pregnancy, raising children, bottles, breastfeeding, table food, potty training, etc etc etc. You name it, she's lectured about it. I've just learned to tune her out. She doesnt even notice that most of the time I'm not listening.

Answer 8

Just be honest with her, that you want this experience to be shared with just the two of you in the actual delivery room, but that you would love it if she were up there before you actually deliver the baby. My mom is the same way w/ this baby(it's her first also) and that's how i put it to her, and she was totally fine with it. First time Grandma's are always so excited, and I think if you break it to her nicely she'll be ok w/ it :) Good luck!

Answer 9

You can always not tell her you are in labor until after the baby comes. Then call her and tell her the baby was born and it came too fast to tell her. I was fortunate to have my mother 600 miles away for the first one and taking care of my toddler for the second one. Or you can tell her you would like it to be a time for your husband and you. Good luck!

Answer 10

Express to her how you feel. Before I had my daughter I nicely stated that I wanted to be alone in the delivery room but by the time it was time for the baby to be born and they asked who could stay I said I didnt care. Its your baby, and your special moment, dont be timid and tell her how you feel, she may be hurt at first but will soon enough respect your wishes.