He is now wanting to get back into their lives and I am terrified he will hurt them again as I had to clean up his emotional mess years ago and still have to deal with it. Any good books I can read to help me guide my children. One has no memory of him and the other only remembers the promise during a phone call that he would call her. The oldest spoke on the phone a couple months ago and asked some of her long standing questions. She is no longer curious about him and he wants to start a fresh relationship. Our youngest is scared to death to speak to him. Any suggestions?
2007-03-15 08:32:00 · 14 answers · asked by St Pete Paradise 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I would leave it up to your children. If they want to meet him, get involved with him, then let them under supervision. If not, tell him straight out. He has hurt them too much and they do not want any contact.
2007-03-15 08:37:25 · answer #1 · answered by Elizabeth Howard 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't let your fear scare the kids. They deserve a change to get to know there father. The one thing I can tell you is the best thing you could ever do for your kids is allow them to love there father. My dad was out of my life when i was 12. At 18 he gave me away at my wedding and then was out of my life again. I had 2 kids and divorced 3 yrs ago. October of 05 I drove past the nursing home where my father was. That night my dad died and now at 32 I know I will never have another chance to see him. No matter what he did and didn't do or what holidays he wasn't there for that is the past and cant change. In my own divorce we share custody of the kids he has them a week and I have them a week. We live 1 mile apart and the kids are free to call either one of us at any time. I know that divorces can be bitter but always keep your kids safe and give them the freedom of loving you both without judgment.
2007-03-15 15:45:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't have children so I don't really have a right to answer this, but I would think you need to pay attention to what you're children are telling you.
A 12 year old can probably do some reasoning and let you know whether she is interested in pursuing this relationship. She can probably also understand that there may be consequences, like heartache and disappointment, and that she needs to be prepared.
Don't make the younger one do anything that he/she is scared of.
Good Luck, this sounds as though it's heartwrenching.
2007-03-15 15:39:47 · answer #3 · answered by mykidsrsaints 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As hard as it is they need to know their father, but start slow have him come over for a couple of hours or so. Then let the children decide if they want to continue a relationship. If you say no then it will turn them against you, if they say no then it's OK. But until you are more comfortable with him do not let them go any where without you.
2007-03-15 15:40:49 · answer #4 · answered by James B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
perhaps you might do better consulting a therapist about this? or a minister?
your 12 year old seems old enough to make her own decisions about a relationship with her father, and it seems she's already decided it's not something she wishes to persue.
i think 12 years old is the legal age in most states -- a child can make their own decision in these matters.
your husband has been gone quite a long time. i'm not sure if he has rights to those children because he abandoned them....
your kids don't have to see this man, or visit with him at all, unless the courts order visitation?
after much thought, i think it would be helpful to talk with a paralegal or attorney who would know more about these matters.
all the best!
2007-03-15 15:39:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life hurts sometimes and you cannot protect your daughters from it!! You cannot interfear in their relationship with their Father! He has a right to see them and they him, without you interfearing. Anything you do will end up biting you in the butt in the long run. They know what kind of Father they have, you don't need to tell them. Yes, he may hurt them again, but they will get over it. Hopefully he knows what he has missed and will have a good realtionship with them this time. Your one daughter has already expressed a desire to start over with him and you should encourage your youngest to give it a try also. Any Dad is better than NO DAD!
2007-03-15 15:38:56 · answer #6 · answered by wish I were 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That happen to me and my kids but he wasn't gone that long. He left when I was pregnant with our daughter and my son was 5. My daughter was 4 in half when she first saw him and my son was 10. And my son didn't even reorganize him. My son came home from school and his dad was there wanting to see him and my son told him " excuse me can I change the t.v" my son didn't know who he was. And my daughter was told by me that's your father. My daughter would not go by him, she was scared. My point to you is let them see and meet there dad, weather if he stays around for the long haul or not. What happen in my case was.There father stood around for 2yrs. Moved on the next block, my son was happy that he had a father and actually my son started to do better in school.But I guess after 2yrs of him trying to be a father it wasn't for him. He left and we didn't hear from him for 4yrs after that. And now my son is 20 and my daughter is 15yr. old. They could care less if they hear form him or see him. He comes around 2 or 3 X's a year now, he calls more then anything. When his dad left again after 2yrs my son was 12. My son took it very hard that dad left. But you know with lots of support and a good momma my son was alright. I couldn't deny his dad for wanted to come back into his life. And don't you do it. Give your kids that let them know who there dad is and what he looks like, if you don't one day when your kids are older they might blame you for them not knowing him. Kids are curious.
2007-03-15 16:08:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
? are they now 12 and 10 or 21 and 19 if they are younger then I would make him take you to court for visitation after 1 year of not seeing them it's abandonment and they will probably make him have supervised visitation if you request it. If they are older then there's not much you can do they are adults.
2007-03-15 15:36:36 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to a group of parents without partners and see if any of them have had this come up. I would not just let him walk back in until the kids have gotten to know who he is now. I would be there for the kids when they do meet him again to make them feel secure.
2007-03-15 15:36:34 · answer #9 · answered by mayihelpyou 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would be positive and defiantely not speak poorly of him. Stand beside them as they speak to him. If they don't wish too don't make them. Your love and support got them through before and that same love and support can get them through this. They need to know who their father is just try to protect them from being hurt by him again.
2007-03-19 15:27:19 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋