How important is sex in a marriage? is it make it or break it?

Question

I've been married 5 yrs this month. we never have sex. when we do, it sucks. we used to have off the hook sex sessions back in the day...it's been about 2 yrs now that my husband can't keep things hard long enough to do it. and now i'm finding that i'm 28 and in my "sexual prime" lol, and i want to have sex at least every other day...if it's good that is. I don't want to stray, but i need to be broke off. is this something to divorce over?

he's been to the doctor. he's overweight, has high cholesterol, job stress....all the things that cause ED. but meanwhile i'm sitting here waiting? it's been two years, nothing helps. he's tried viagra & cialis. it's honestly at the point where i need to get it from somewhere!

you all have great answers. but how does it sound to have your wife come to you and say, "i need to be having good sex, i need a hard d--k in my life" he'd sweat me everytime i left the house, thinking i was going to find it somewhere else. how long is too long to be trying to stick this out without it gettting better. i know it's embarrasing for him. i don't hassle him about it because i;m sure its horrifying for him.

Answer 1

no. it is not something to divorce over.
you married him "for better or worse"...it never said HOW much worse.
Loving and compassionate and understanding and PATIENT you should be to your man - whose ego is much more fragile than you might think.

***If you really, really, really feel the need for a big stiff 'un, try your neighborhood produce section...cucumbers in "raincoats" are something to try...he might REALLY enjoy giving you what it is you so desperately crave -even if it isn't his big 'un.

Answer 2

I am 29 and last year i had the same problem at the second year of marriage. i mean i almost went crazy with hot flashes, and cold, and wanting to hump the damn wall. i know whatyou're feeling. i thought it would help to get attention from somewhere else, but it never did anything, and if you're not careful, you could fall into someone elses arms. So in the end i had to make a decision and i did like you and didn't pressure him or anything and it did get better, but in the mean time i had to make a decision, like is this something i want to divorce over. i mean people say it's not all about sex, and that may be true but it's easy to say when you're still getting it, and when you're not in your peek, and not getting it with the one you love sleeping next to you every single night, telling you it's not you. with no explanation in sight. ya know? but ultimately, i just decided that we had been through so much together that i would rather sacrifice a little and try to stick it out and live with little or barely any sex then to find another guy and start all over. I can't imagine living life without my best friend, and i am so luck to have gotten to marry him. And i did take vows ya know, for a reason, not only for sex, but because he knows me better than anyone else inside and out. Although keeping it realistic, i would also say that if he doesn't come around, which i was fortunate, i almost said f this marriage, then you have a right to move on, but that is after you give it a shot and even try to let him know how you feel about it, but without nagging, remember they don't like thta . good luck.

Answer 3

You need to weigh the other qualities of your marriage. I assume you didn't marry the guy solely because he was good in bed. I'd hope that you guys got married because you loved each other, complemented each other, and knew that you could support each other emotionally, financially, and also physically. Have these also lagged, or have they only gotten better over the years of knowing him? Is he abusive? Do you have any kids with him? Is this lagging sexual activity just another excuse you're looking for to justify divorcing him for some other reason?

If everything else about your relationship is the same, then it might be best for you to consider marriage counseling, or for him to get treatment for erectile dysfunction. At the very least you need to talk to him about it. If in five years of marriage you feel like this is something you can't share with him, then perhaps divorce is a possibility.

You should also ask yourself what might be the reason he's not as active as he used to... is he stressed with work and providing for the two of you, has he had any medical issues? On a purely superficial level, might have you "let yourself go" over the years? This is a harsh thought but if that may be the case you can't have your cake and eat it too, and you should be able to work through it again just by talking to him. Most guys (myself included) get immediately turned on just by little flirty sexual things their girls do to tease me.

The point is, imbalance in sexual drives can contribute to you keeping a grudge, or worse, cause you to consider having an affair. And that may satisfy you in the short run, but it totally undermines the past five years you've built with this other person.

Answer 4

That's a hard one sweetie. Bad sex ruined the emotion in my marriage so I know it's important. However, I've never heard of a guy that cialis AND both viagra do not work for. Sounds like he has some self-worth, self-esteem issues that are blocking his libido probably starting with his weight and how valued he feels within himself and at work too. There is nothing worse than a pity party, though. We change the things that we can, and accept the things we cannot change, and this applies to him also. If it's weight....lose it. If it's the job, seek some specialty training and change careers. He needs an internal victory and that's not your job to give it to him .We all have that battle and it s personal. I do know this much to be true in life. If we can't make ourselves happy, then we can't make anyone else happy including, and especially our spouses.

Answer 5

I wouldn't base my whole marriage on it, no. What if he was injured? Would you leave him because he couldn't do it? I do understand your frustrations though. Talk to him about it. Maybe he'd be willing to please you in other ways. You definitely need to let him know how you're feeling, or when temptation comes around, trust me, it'll be hard as you know what to resist it. It's happening to me. If he won't "help you out" in other ways, you can do it yourself some...but I know that sucks too. But usually the sex thing isn't the only thing wrong in a marriage, it's just a by product of bigger problems. You have to ultimately decide what you can and can't do. But for me, sex plays a somewhat significant part. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say at least a 6 for me. And as I type this, I'm gripping the seat from the lack of...and trying to say no to someone offering JUST that! LOL

Answer 6

been awhile since I've heard thaat from the wife -- viagra and
that stuff aren't miracle cures especially when you throw
stress, overweight, too much alcohol,smoking, diabetes etc.
The main thing is removing as much and many of these
negative things as possible THEN give viagra a shot - keep
in mind viagra has instructions that say something about an
emotional kissy kissy kick start to get it going. Frequency
of sex and desires do change in a marriage and although
not a requirement is a very important part.

God Bless ya and good luck

Answer 7

It is important to whoever considers it important.

If you are anything like a lot of guys, the stress of life becomes overwhelming. NOTHING makes erections more difficult than pressure and guilt. If you are demanding it, he probably won't function, especially if he is worried he can't.

I suggest you don't ask him. Just jump him. Give him oral and ask for nothing in return. Watch him get happy. Happy men want more sex.

He should be referred to his doctor, but I would put money on it the problem is psychological.

This must be fixed. Don't get angry or cry. Tell him how much you want him and how much you crave his physical attention. Tell him that you want sex with HIM, not just sex.

Do not EVER threaten straying.

It can be make it or break it, but only if the real effort has been made to try to fix it.

EDIT based on additional info: ok, he's stressed and unhealthy. There's your reason.
Do what you can to reduce his stress. Pump up his ego - tell him how much you want him. Give him "the eye". Rub his back. I'm SURE you know how to turn him on. Put in the effort.

NEVER NEVER NEVER STRAY. I NEVER give a pass for that.

EDIT AGAIN that is completely the wrong approach. You don't demand sex and angrily say "I need a hard d**k". You crush his self esteem. You make him worry!

The right approach is to lovingly (you know how to do that) caress him, touch him, and tell him you need him to touch you. You need his love and touch. He doesn't necessarily have to become erect - let him satisfy you with his tongue. Even if he gets hard, let it be - let him build confidence that he can satisfy you, that you are dedicated to him and want this to work.

"I need sex" or "I want a hard d**k" is threatening. "I need sex from you" or "I want YOUR hard d**k" is loving. I hope you see the difference.

EDIT ONCE MORE: you failed to mention that you have recently given birth (based on your other question), or I suppose you might have miscarried (deepest sympathies if so). In either case, this has a hugely important bearing on the whole thing - for different reasons in either case.

Answer 8

Assuming you married for reasons other than sex, I would hope you would explore every avenue available to improve this situation (including making sure he doesn't have a medical issue and ruling that out, getting marriage or sex counseling).

Once you've exhausted all the options, if things haven't improved then if sex is important enough to you for it to be a dealbreaker, then it would be appropriate to move on.

It would be a dealbreaker for me...but I'd do what I could to fix things before throwing in the towel.

A relationship that doesn't include a mutually satisfying sex life, is likely to have many issues over time. The frustration of the dissatisfied party tends to manifest outside of just sex.

Answer 9

Best thing to do is to talk honestly about it to each other. Be understanding and try and work whatever it is out together. Don't be shy about talking to an expert about it, there is nothing embarrassing about sex. The work you put in in resolving problems in a marriage far outways the work you have to do to start a new life and get over all the problems divorce brings with it. New relationships have lots of problems too.

I have friends who don't have sex due to illness and they are happy. Others say they cannot survive without it. It is up to the couple as far as I can tell. Good luck!

Answer 10

No sex in a marriage can be a deal breaker, but he is not able. I am sure your emotions run between anger and guilt with him.

Seek marriage counseling and keep talking to your husband. There are other ways to get you satisfied even if he can't stay hard. Where there is a will there is a way.

If he is doing everything possible to try to get healthy again, you can't fault him.

I am in the same situation as my wife suffers from depression and MS. The difference is that she directs a lot of anger on me and I get passive aggressive. We have tried counseling for ten years, but it doesn't look good.

Good luck.

Answer 11

No - it's something to be honest with him about and seek help together. There are many factors, most of them treatable, that can cause men to have stamina issues. Is he stressed about money or work? Is he suffering from clinical depression? Does he use tobacco or drink? Have his eating habits changed, his sleep schedule? How do you react when he has trouble? Are you comforting and understanding or do you complain that he can't satisfy you? Has he had a medical check-up by a urologist? It could be medical. Instead of thinking about divorce, let him know that it DOES bother you and upset you, but you love him and will continue to do so. Encourage him to get a check-up with a doctor and look into all the other external factors. When you married, it was for better or for worse. Welcome to the worse.