My fianc'e doesn't want Children?

Question

I have a real problem my boyfriend asked me to marry me we already arranged the wedding (it's in a few months) and now he tell me he doesn't want kids at least not in the first 10 years! i don't want to wait that long i'm already 26 :( what should i do? should i cancell the whole thing ? P L E A S E help!!!

Answer 1

You need to decide what is more important to you. You may not fall in love again and get married for 10 years. Your boyfriend may change his mind in a few years. There are so many ways this could turn out, I say get married if you are truly in love.

Answer 2

I guess it boils down to which consequence can you live with the best, without suffering through regret the rest of your life: never having kids or not being with the one you love. Marriage is about compromise, which means you have to give up on some things you want, but kids are a BIG deal, so I think it's out of the area of compromise and actually in a personal priority area.

The older you get, the more complicated pregnancy can get. And you have to factor in the amount of time it may take you to get pregnant--for some women, it takes years of trying. However, there have been many older women who have successfully gotten pregnant and had healthy kids.

Another thing to consider, and you should ask your fiance this, is how old do you want to be when your kids are in high school or in college? If you have your first kid when you are 36, you will be 54 when your kid's graduating high school and off to college. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not for you, because it depends on how you view age and what you may be capable of doing at that age and what your financial goals are in life. Just something else to think about...

Answer 3

I am 25 and have an almost 2 year old. My personal OPINION is that you do wait, don't call off the marriage for him wanting to wait. Come to a median-that is what marriage is about- compromise. If he wants kids in 10 years and you want kids now then have them in 5 years. My daughter is the utmost important thing, person, and everything to me in this world but it is also very very scary raising a child. I can't turn on the news today without hearing that the man who kidnapped, RAPED, and buried alive a 9 year old girl might be getting a lesser sentence because of insanity. My Fiance wants more kids but because this world creeps me out and scares me to raise my child in it I've told him NO MORE! Don't get me wrong a child is a beautiful thing and it's like no other experience giving birth but just take your time and stop thinking about what YOU want and realize there are other things going on in this world that you have to take into consideration. Also, since you are engaged now it is up to the both of you to have a child. Good Luck and I hope what is best works out for you.

Answer 4

Two things. First off you have to have a serious talk with him and maybe trying to compromise the time fram instead of 10 years what about 5-7? If he is standing firm on his time frame you really need to look deep into your soul of what you really want to have kids. But dont lie to yourself because of the impending wedding. It's better that you cancel the wedding now and suffer the loss then to pretend like you are happy when u r not. Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

Yes, cancel the whole thing.

It doesn't mean that he is a jerk. It means he is being honest. Consider yourself fortunate to have discovered this BEFORE your wedding. Many people are married for years and lose their child-producing lives because of this miscommunication.

Say goodbye. Wish him the best. Let him find a woman who doesn't want children, and find yourself a man that does.

TO THOSE SUGGESTING A NEGOTIATION: You CANNOT compromise on this - one will ALWAYS be angry for having given in. Fine, he might agree to 7 years. But then after 4, maybe you don't want to wait any longer. Or after 7, he wants to put it off more. This will TEAR YOU APART. I don't know ANYONE who got married that disagreed on this that survived.

Stick to your guns. Throw in the towel. I almost never say "don't listen to them", but don't listen to those who suggest "working it out". The fact is you want different things in life. Compromise will be a compromise of actions, not a compromise of wants. Those likely won't change.
99% chance it will go sour if you get married. I have known MANY people who have done this - it NEVER works. One couple I knew got married when they were 19 straight out of high school. They fought for 17 years over this - he didn't want kids, she did - she thought he would change his mind, he thought she would give up.
At 36 she did give up. She left him and got pregnant by some strange guy in a one night stand in a few weeks. They wasted their entire family life over this. What a shame. It never should have happened.

Answer 6

Maybe this was something you should have discussed BEFORE getting engaged, hmm? You need to have a serious talk with him ASAP. A matter this serious needs to be resolved before any wedding takes place. If you two are not on the same page regarding children, I would cancel the wedding. Not being in agreement on starting a family is a recipe for divorce. Why set yourself up for that?

Answer 7

You are lucky that he was honest with you and you can cancel it now. My husband did not tell me that until we were together for 6 years. This is really sad now, don't you think? So, take it from me - find out what is the rationale behind 10 years and if it does not what you want - call off the wedding. Look at me now - this is where you could end up too. Hope not!

Answer 8

You just have to figure out how important having kids is to you at this time. If you go into a marriage not wanting the same thing you could end up feeling resentful and that is no way to start a marriage. From a medical standpoint, having children past the age of 35 can be dangerous to a mother and a baby (dramatic increase in birth defents, downs syndrome, etc...). Children are very important to me and I dont think I could have gone into my marriage if my husband would have not wanted kids.

Answer 9

Hmmm...I'm curious to find out why he waited until now to mention something that important. I would ask him about it as far as why he chooses not to have kids and why he's waited until now to tell you. Maybe he's insecure about the whole fatherly thing (which you have to have a child to get the hang of it) . It could be financial reasons or timing...it's very hard to say w/o knowing him and the entire situation. I would ask; and if things seem to be amiss, you may have to make a tough decision. Before getting married things to discuss that are always important are; family matters, religion, politics, morlas, money. But I'm sure you know these things already. Best wishes!!

Answer 10

If you are only 26 you have plenty of time to have your family. You need to take the time to get to know your future husband very well so that you are confident that when you have children they won't cause problem for your marriage.

My wife didn't want children when we got married but time and circumstances change and now we will be sending out youngest to college in the fall. Now we are depressed because we don't have any more kids at home!

Your marriage will be stronger, you will be financially better off and you will be older and wiser (translates into a more rational and calmer parent) when you do have your family.

Good luck.

Answer 11

If you do want kids, cancel the wedding. No sense trying to change his mind. It would be really wrong, for both of you, for you two to marry in this instance. Sorry, it'll be tough, but you should have already had this talk WELL before you got engaged!