New baby, battling baby blues, unsupportive spouse - HELP!?

Question

My husband and I just had a baby girl (our first) on Feb. 24th. I am trying to fight through the baby blues, but my husband is being very unsupportive and just yells at me and makes me feel guilty everytime I cry. Also, when it comes to our daughter, he acts like it's a chore to spend time with her, and refuses to change her diaper if he thinks it's poopy. Yesterday, when i convinced him to feed her so i could get one load of laundry done, she put her fingers in her mouth as she was eating (she always does this) and he yelled at her to get her fingers out of her mouth! I told him to never yell at her again. (While I was pregnant, he had a bad temper with me at times.) My little girl is only 3 weeks old, and I am 19, and my husband is 21. I just don't know what to do to explain how i am feeling to him. I've tried to talk to him, and show him articles on new parents, but he just seems annoyed when I show him. Any advice would be a big help!!

We have been married for almost a year, and he is in the Air Force. We are stationed in North Dakota, and all of our family is back in Michigan, which makes is tougher, since family is not nearby.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need a divorce. I know that may sound harsh but I was in the EXACT same situation at your age. I had my son at age 19 with my now ex-husband. He started off verbally abusive (as most abuser do) then it evolved to pushing, then grabbing me around my neck and threatening me and eventually hitting. It's not a pretty picture especially with a baby around. I finally got up the nerve to leave him and face being alone with a baby. My family helped me tremendously. I strongly suggest you do the same, it's just not OK for him to treat you that way. Please don't try to deny it, I did for a long time and I can't tell you what a relief it is to be out of a dead end relationship like that. I promise you there are wonderful men out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve, help you, support you and love you. I found mine and now we have a second child together and it's been so much different for me. Please consider it.

Answer 2

Girl, I know exactly what you are going through, my boyfriend was the same way at first, the day our daugther came home from the hospital, I was changing her diaper on our bed on a large changing pad and she had a bowel movement that just went everywhere and he jumped up and yelled at her, I was so mad at him... our daughter is a year old and he's so much better now... he still doesn't change diapers or give her baths but he regrets it so much now because she is such a mama's girl. I know that it's rough right now but it will get better in time and he'll regret in when your baby is older, you and your daughter are going to have the strongest connection because of this and it'll make it all worthwhile. I would suggest some marital counseling (I think it could be helpful, we used a church counselor so that it wasn't too expensive and he helped us to communicate better), quit showing him stuff on how to be a good father. It's the hardest thing to do but they have to come to it on their own and if you keep showing him articles, all he hears is that he's not good enough and he's a bad father and it'll actually push him away and close his mind to what you are trying to tell him... this was a hard learned lesson on my part. Try to connect to other moms as much as you can, go to cafemom.com and join some of the groups there, the women on there can give you some of the support that you're not getting from your boyfriend and reach out to family. Call your mom or somebody and see if they can come over for the day just so that you can do laundry and clean up, that's what parents are there for. I hope this helps, if you need to talk to somebody, send me an email, I also have a page at cafemom.com so you can connect to me there and I'll do what I can to help. Good luck!

Answer 3

I do not believe that he will learn to be a better husband/father on his own. If he doesnt care to, then it will only get worse. You need to calmy talk to him. Tell him that you are hurting and need his help, and that if he cannot willingly offer his support, then you and your daughter will have no choice but to leave. A marriage councilor would be beneficial. Baby blues are normal, but in some cases, meds are needed for a little while. This moment in your lives should be a time of bonding that you cant ever get back. Please dont let him take that from either of you. Look out for your baby and yourself. Trust me, I am 24 y/o and have 4 kids. My first boyfriend was similar to what you've said about yours. I left him. I got married, and my ex has never even picked up the phone to check on our child! You both deserve better! Feel it out for a bit, but if it doesnt get better, then make that move! What state are you in?

Answer 4

Please get otuside help now before something happens to you or your little girl. There must be counsellors on base that you can talk to or a safe place that you and your baby can go. Your husband does not sound like a safe man. He is yelling at a 3 week old baby and at this point you should be thinking about that baby's safety.
You should not feel guilty about crying it is normal, you just went through a massive horomonal change and huge life event and what you are going through emotionally is normal.

Answer 5

You are very young...where are your parents and his in all this? You need their help (if its there) You better get yourself together , to the best of your ability...do you have a place to go? Do you have a job to go back to? If it comes to it, you might have to leave him and i know its hard with a 3 week old but its something you should start preparing yourself for...and when your ready...you can tell that man that if he cant change his tone, help out around the house and STOP yelling at people he LOVES than you are leaving, and taking the baby with you. And you will be prepared to follow through on that threat.

Answer 6

My partner was like that to begin with. He still is very lazy when it comes to changing nappies, calming down our litle boy etc but he has stopped his bad temper. It took many timesof explaining to him that getting angry with our boy isnt going to help the situation at hand. That he is a baby and he cannot tell us what is wrong and thats why he cries. i think alot of young males think that a baby will just be quiet and that caring for the baby is the mothers job. After all, we wouldnt want a baby to have to change their lives now would we?! PFFFFFFFT!