Should I call a divorce attorney?

Question

My husband of 5+ yrs and I have 2 kids together (6 and 3 mos). For the past 5+ years we have constantly fought about me going out with my friends. I am, and have been since before we met, a social butterfly. He is a social recluse. I like going to bars with my friends and he likes staying home. I don't expect him to go out with me if he doesn't want to but he expects me to give up my social life and stay home with him all the time. He says it's not fair to him that I get to go out and have a good time and he has to stay home by himself or with the kids. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I go out every weekend. We're talking once or twice a month. He puts guilt trips on me, turns my 6 y/o daughter against me, and treats me like crap as soon as I mention making plans for the weekend.

I always make sure I ask him if he has anything planned, make sure the kids are in bed or at least ready for bed before I leave, basically bend over backwards to make sure that he is not inconvenienced. We have had other problems besides this...some I can't talk about. There have been physical fights...mostly mutual and yes, some in front of the kids. He says that I am the love of his life and he wants to be with me but he won't accept me for who I am. He threatens to move to VA with his mom and abandon the kids if I leave because he can't afford to pay child support for 3 kids (he has an 11 y/o from a previous relationship). I can't deal with the guilt trips and emotional abuse anymore. We've tried counseling but he wouldn't go any more because the counselor wasn't saying what he wanted to hear (that I was wrong). What would you do?

Answer 1

He has no grounds to treat you as he does. You always were a social butterfly so this is nothing new. This is a good example of where love isn't enough. One must be compatible with the spouse. So really, you both blew it getting married with such a big gorilla in the room.

Normally I would say divorce because of the deep imcompatibility issue. However there are two precious kids that would be better off with a happily married intact family. Should I be you I would give it one more try though the physical fights also are pretty serious.

Frankly you have only two choices, you become a stay at home every weekend woman, or he becomes more social. As for you quitting the social events, look in your children's eyes and decide if you can do it for their sake. Perhaps you can comprimise with your husband. Once a month, once every two months, whatever. Again, only you can make this decision.

The second path is to convert him to be more social. As one married person to another, try getting a sitter and have him go out with just you. For the sake of the kids, go all out. For example, say let's just go out for dinner across town and I'll blow you in the parking lot afterwards. Beleive me, that will get his attention. If this works you can gradually include his friends then mutual friends on your date nights, but not necessarily in the oral gratification. For the sake of the kids this might be worth it.

Lastly, if he is hitting you, that's majorly serious and if it doesn't stop quickly, its a divorce. But I would try to make one more go at it.
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Answer 2

Wow. Well let's try this. Why don't you guys He likes to stay home and you like to go out; why not divide that time up? You go out say two weekends out of the month and stay with him and do something fun wth him and the kids all the other times. That way you aren't fighting all of the time and you both can equally do what you want. If this doesn't work; sit down and literally discuss this situation. I think it's ok to hang out with friends once in awhile; but here's the thing; you have your own family and they need you (more so than friends) so he might be thinking you're not taking that as serious as you should perhaps? I could be wrong. But if he's not the socialbe type, that's ok too.Some people are not.

Answer 3

From what you wrote it's pretty clear it's a toxic marriage. You said the physical fights were mutual - you need to get out. It's a sure sign that you are bringing out the worst in eachother and there is zero respect. Don't make your child be a witness to all that hostility, emotional as well as physical.

Answer 4

If you want to call a divorce attorney that is up to you. However, I believe he has a right to be upset if you go out socializing without him more than once a month. Marriage is give and take. You should be prepared to sacrifice some time with your friends to be with your husband if he asks. If you are not willing to do that you probably do not love him.

Answer 5

Compromise.
Do something that includes the family.
Marriage and parenthood force us to alter who we are.
You deserve time away, but family first.
He is wrong for coping with his feelings in that manner.

Answer 6

i think you should, marriage should be about not only Love but communication, you dont seem to be able to talk to easily to him, so go with your heart, try counceling but if it doesnt work dont be part of something you dont like, a hurting marriage also hurts kids so think about your kids. good luck, go for what you believe!

Answer 7

a married women shouldn't want to go to bars lot of men go to pick up women

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you have a good case.

Answer 9

Yes - not for any other reason than the fact that he is using your children to lash out at you. That is reason enough to take you and your children away from him.

Answer 10

do what ever you want