Is it reasonable for me to want some housework done when I get home from work?

Question

My wife takes wonderful care of our 18month old son. She does enough laundry so I have enough clothes to wear but is rarely caught up w/the laundry. She does the dishes about 1-2 times a week and straightens up the living room 2-3 times a week. She has tons of stuff that clutters our home and makes it a pig sty. I am not the neatest person either but I think the house should be decent when I get home. She claims she can't do much when she's watching our son. Should I give her a break or should I get on her more about it. I call her sometimes during the day and ask how the dishes are coming and come home to the same mess. She'll clean if I come home from work and start doing it myself because she feels guilty. Should I have to do that just to motivate her?

Answer 1

Well these days people frown upon a backhand or kidney punch so you are pretty much screwed.

Answer 2

I am a mom and a 18 month old sleeps quite a bit and can be put in a playpen while you do house work so the child is contained and safe, so your wifes excuse of watching the child is pure bull. Dishes should be done everyday, that is a sanitary issue. Laundry should be caught up and then maintained. Non of this stuff takes up that much time. I can clean and dust my whole house...which is pretty large..in about two hours. I have a 7 and an 11 year old they make messes... an 18 month old can't make much of a mess. I also have dinner cooking when my hubby gets home unless he is early. If you're an at home mom your job is the house and family and it is not that hard to have the basics done.
I would sit down and tell her that you want her to be home and caring for the child but you also feel that since you are earning a living and providing for her that she should have the house work done and meals prepared, that is essentially her "job". If she doesn't feel that is fair tell her to get a job and put your child in daycare see if she sings a different tune.
As a husband you could help by keeping your laundry in the hamper after you change, keep your change and wallet in your dresser not just thrown where ever and take your shoes off when you come in to keep floors clean. That way you show respect for your home and her work. When you do notice she has cleaned make sure you let her know. Just like men women need to feel appreciated in their work.

Answer 3

Sounds like she is overwhelmed. Having a baby that age is a lot of work. Instead of getting on her, or trying to guilt her into it, how about coming home and giving her a hug and kiss, and taking the baby off her hands for a while? Don't expect anything to change right away, but I guarantee if you work your end of the street by taking care of the little one who will absolutely adore your attention cause he/she has missed you all day too, and picking up after yourself, she will begin to change too. Women just need to feel respected, and one way to do that is to realize that the house and the kids are not all her job, even if she is a stay at home mom. Its a big job, really and that coupled with post partum (yes , she could still have it because it is a hormonal issue) doesn't help. If this is her first child, she is probably feeling a lot of pressure to be an attentive mom and also feeling like she never has any time to just be her. Give her a chance to get out of the house when you get home and do a little shopping or a movie with a friend as well. Its a big adjustment for her and you. Finding the balance can be hard, but you will get it if you try and be understanding. Don't worry about the housework so much, it will always be there, especially since baby arrived.

Answer 4

I am a mother of an 10 month old son and am in a similar position. My husband I think gets upset with me because my house is usually a mess when he gets home too. Though I'm getting better, it is really hard to get stuff done when you have a toddler to watch. I don't know how bad your house is, but it's a lot easier to watch a baby in a house that is clutter free and baby-proofed. You said she does a great job so I'm assuming she is onto the baby-proofing thing. She might feel guilty if she doesn't play with him all the time. You need to reassure her that she isn't a jester. Another thing that might motivate her is that a clean house is a healthy house, and we all know babies are more susceptible to germs. Look at it from her point of view--she has 3 meals and a couple snacks to prepare every day. She has a bath to give, several diapers, some playtime, not to mention showering and getting ready herself. A good website to get her motivated is flylady.net--the email reminders are a good source of inspiration to tell you that yes, you need to get something done today. Something that helped us out was getting Grandma to watch the baby for at least four hours (though I prefer six) on a Saturday and get stuff done that can't be done so easily with tha baby around. Stuff like scrubbing the bathroom, organizing bills, and cleaning carpets are things that you guys can do while jamming to uncensored music with no clothes on, whatever you want to do when the baby isn't around. Believe me, it's liberating and fun and at the end of the night is completely rewarding. One more thing--when was the last time you two took a night off to do nothing? She might be using nap times to relax--something she may not ba able to do if the kiddo is always around. There is comfort in knowing this stage can't last forever. There will be a time when your son will go out and play and your wife will be free to clean her heart out! To answer your question--- you shouldn't have to call her to motivate her, but you should praise her when she does do something--as a stay at home mom myself, you can feel a little underappreciated. She really is doing a lot during the day with your son. Good luck and don't lose your faith in her!

Answer 5

I have a 16 month old and let me tell you...IT IS NOT EASY to get the house clean with her around. She just messes it all up right after! Try and see where she is coming from. I mean I assume she stays home while you work and if that is the case then when your child is napping then she should get on the house work. Her job if she is a stay at home mom is to take care of the kids and clean, if she isn't doing so then something is wrong. Thats like you going to work and doing nothing all day... you'd get fired right? How about you try staying home all day with your son and see what she deals with and see if it is at all possible for her to clean then bring this up to her if you see it isn't impossible to egt housework done every day. Good luck!!

Answer 6

I went through something similar, however I was the "wife". There was a long period of time when I was just too depressed to do anything. It was lack of motivation, as well as procrastination. And when the significant other came home, I would be overcome with guilt, for not having done more for them. After a while I managed to get my priorities in order, such as if I wanted to enjoy my mans company when he came home from work, and if I wanted to show my gratitude towards him, then I should do a little more on my part. Sometimes I would knock around all day doing nothing until about an hour or two before he came home, which was usually plenty of time to tidy up. It worked out pretty well, because then we could sit out on our patio and enjoy a glass of wine.
And just to put it in short form, she may be going through a little bit of depression. I wouldn't be too hard on her, but at least let her know that you're not exactly thrilled for having to put in a full day of work, only to come home and do some more. Im sure after awhile she'll bounce out of it, and begin doing regular cleaning, just to have more time to spend with you, when you get home.

Answer 7

I think you're very disillusioned. If there's work to be done around the house, just do it. You honestly expect someone that's been home ALL DAY with a child to want to do Housework when you come home.

Really now, get a clue. When you come home, it's HER BREAK TIME and if you give a rat's behind about your marriage, then you should be working to make her happy. Give her 60-90 minutes alone every night after you come home and you'll be very surprised at the results. You'll probably come home not only to a 'cleaner' house, but by showing in no uncertain terms you're willing to give her that time to do WHATEVER SHE WANTS you're going to make her happy and that's going to make everything between the two of you better.

Who cares that you have a job in the daytime, your job AT HOME is what's most important.

Good luck and welcome to the club of being a parent, it never stops.

Answer 8

honestly i understand that she has a baby to take care of and the house maybe wont be sparkly clean but i also understand ur point of view i mean u come home from along day of work and what do u see a house all messed up. i think u should really talk to her and tell her that it makes u unconfortable to see the house so messy that she should do a litle more. also the plastic cup and plates are a good idea tell her about it. and maybe if u guys are good financially u can get someone to help her around like a nanny maybe. if both of u worked yes i would undertand her more but if all she does is be home and watch the baby i think she should get things done. she can put the baby in a crib for a while until she is done with the house and then take him out and finish taking care of him. my mom did it with me and myt brothers. a lot of moms do that they have kids to take care of and their houses are clean so she could do it. it not easy but is not impossible. sounds like she is a lilte bit of pig. honestly talk to her, good luck !!!

Answer 9

The truth is that the MOST important thing for her to be doing is watching your child and giving him attention. Yes it's aggravating for the house to be a mess, yet it can be hard to get it straightened, cleaned up, especially if she is the ONLY one out of the three of you doing any of it....she's got to pick up after your son, you, and herself.

I believe you should offer to do the dishes every night. What, it takes only 30 minutes out of your evening, and it would give her a break. That would be one less chore on her list. See how it goes, she might be so grateful for your help that she gets the engergy to pick up the rest of the house.

OR, she could just not be that neat of a person. We aren't all neat....I happen to be pretty anal about messes...and I have learned that if I spend a little time throughout the day picking up, it never gets to the point of overwhelming, but with little kids, it is very challenging.

Perhaps you should offer to have a maid service come in. Most maid services will only clean what they can get to, so that might be motivation for her to pick stuff up and find a 'home' for it. They won't dust or vaccume if crap is in the way.

Good Luck. and P.S. stop calling her during the day to check on the progress of her chores. Instead call her and offer to bring home dinner, or call her just to say you love her.

Answer 10

I would give her a break. She is not totally ignoring it at least, which I have known to happen with a lot of couples.

Would you rather she put your son in a play pen and ignore him to clean for a couple of hours everyday? Probably not, and at this stage he really can't keep himself busy.

Choose your batttles, tell her what is the most important to you and discuss it so you both feel it is feasible. It may be that for now you'll have to do some of the tasks that require more focused attention, she has the equivalent of a job that requires her focused attention all day right now.

Answer 11

Let me tell you, from personal experience... When my husband gets on me about cleaning, I do less cleaning. The best thing to do is tell her how much you appreciate what she does for you but tell her that it makes you feel good when you come home and things are neat and in order. If she says that it's a hard for her then maybe you could hire someone to come in once a month and do a thorough cleaning. I am not sure of your finances but normally once a month isn't too expensive. It will show her that you care about her, and then she will want to do more for you. You will find your house cleaner and your wife nicer. Children are hard. What would you do if she was scrubbing the toilet and something bad happened to your child? Think about that.