What should I do?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for years but I'm not in love with him, we have a kid and he's great with him but I'm so miserable sometimes over this. Usually I just get on with it but I want someone I love and can't wait to see, oh you know. I met a guy a couple of years ago that I completely fell for but didn't do anything because I'm in a relationship already. He felt the same and it killed me to end the friendship but I was scared I would be unfaithful. He has now met someone else but I have never gotten over him. He was not the cause of the way I feel about my boyfriend. GOD what do I do?????????????????????

The last time I tried to tell him he lost it totally and threatened to kill himself because all he wants is me. I know this is emotional blackmail but it works. This is the first time I've asked anyone for help about it and I'm in tears here typing, so much emotion it's crazy

Consider this, I'm 26 have been with him for 9 years and we have an 8 year old!! Yep I know no different, I've missed out on so much, not because of my son but because he watches every move I make and is very jealous of me. But he's a good guy too. I know I have to get out of it but been spending the last 5 years really really trying

JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REPLIED TO ME. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. SOME GOOD ADVICE BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY SOME GOOD ADVICE ON THE STEPS TO TAKE WITHOUT PLUNGING IN AND CAUSING MORE GRIEF. I FEEL POSITIVE TODAY, AGAIN THANK YOU........

Answer 1

Maybe your putting too much on this relationship, these things don't work like they do in the movies or t.v.. You never know about this guy you met and fell for, it could have been just lust, it may never have worked out (after years together). Your boyfriend seems like a good guy and father. What are you looking for, "someone you can't wait to see" well after years .......life isn't the Notebook. Maybe you should take a good look at what you have now, the grass isn't always greener.

I know I might sound harsh but nowaday it seems everyone wants the fairy tale marriage etc. But that isn't reality people you have to work at it. Maybe you should try counselling like others have suggested.

Answer 2

Consider this, what first attracted you to your b/f? Is is still there?

Having a child and the drag of day to day life can sometimes make us take our other half for granted, and make us consider that we don't love them.

Think about how you would react if you found out your b/f was cheating on you.

This should tell you the answer to your dilemma, because if you would be devastated then I guess you really do love him, if not then maybe (just maybe) it's time to consider something like couple counseling or something more drastic like a trial separation.

The grass ALWAYS looks greener on the other side of the fence, BUT inevitably it is just the same!

GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

Are you a grown up? if so do as a grown up would do. Set him down and tell him how you feel. Will he be upset? yeah, but not as much as if you cheat on him, or just walk out.
Maybe try some counseling before you call it quits, that way you exhausted all avenues. You MUST make sure he understands it's not him, that you have the problem with.
You must also remain adult about your child, just because you and he break up, the responsibility doesn't end with regards to the child. Work together, as a team put the child best interest first, never ever fight in front of the child. never ever talk bad about each other in front of the child. Show the child you both are still united when it comes to her or him .

Hope this helps

Answer 4

baby steps .................

...... start with telling him you're unhappy and how you feel about it all (leave out about the guy you wish you'd gone off with). Explain that you want to try and work it out so he doesn't freak out. Perhaps counselling if you can afford it or book a holiday? Arrange time with each other to have fun, and also time for each of you as individuals - try for everyweek. I.e you go for coffee with friends (if you don't already) and say go out for drinks or dinner as a couple. Also I find hanging out as a couple with other couples can make life a bit more interesting, and you tend to enjoy your partner's time more, I've found myself that as you watch them interacting with others socially you often see what you first found attractive and lovely about them in the first place.

After giving this a good few months have another discussion. By then hopefully its worked, and if not it's not as much of a shock for him and hopefully he'll be able to accept your decision better.

Good luck, it's a heart breaking situation but you can't avoid it otherwise you'll be miserable.

xxx

Answer 5

i am at the same stage of my relationship , but two kids i am a male ,i feel what you must feel just reading your letter ,
i am just getting the courage to do what has to be done , and that is to end the relationship i think you would be so much happier , you must believe , you must just think positive , it is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do, but just think what happiness it could bring you, i love my children more than anything in the world but i will forever be part of their life no matter where i am or who i am with . i have asked many people who's parents have split up and they have all said the same thing ' as long as you are part of their life's then they will be OK . please don't Waite no longer we all deserve to be happy and find the right kind of love . good luck i feel for you but it is for the best x

Answer 6

Well you obviously feel some loyalty to your partner as you had the opportunity to be unfaithful and you were not unfaithful. Is there nothing left to selvage? could this be just s rut?
Is it not worth seeking counselling to see if this relationship can be saved?
Do YOU want to save this relationship?
if the answer is no then i suggest for all your sakes you speak to your partner and admit it's not working and it's time to move on.

And i am sorry but you cannot stay with him if he threatens suicide. You need to remain strong and see this through. It is terrible that he is threatening you.
You cannot stay with this man just incase he kills himself. he could be bluffing but if he is not it is not your fault. I suggest you both seek counselling and you mention his threats to kill himself.

9 years is a long time. I'd still try counselling. If you cannot bear the thought of that then move on but remember you have children to consider in all this and it will affect them.
Counselling is your best first option nd if that doesn;t work...move on.

Answer 7

Been there done that got the t-shirt.
It did not last.
Take a look around how many in love people do you see?
Lust and love are two completely different things that we females often confuse.Are you that bored that you are willing to risk a bit of excitement and turn the people you care about lives upside down?

Answer 8

Try and talk to your boyfriend ,but after nine years i don,t hold much hope ,if you know in you own mind you will never be a loving couple don,t waste any more time ,go now while you are still young enough to start again ..

Answer 9

that's why you need to do whats best for you. then you will be doing whats best for your son in the end because when your happy he will be happy. and when we stay in relationships just because.. the person that may have been the one for us... goes away,then that relationship has to wait out it's turn.etc.. it's one cycle.. after another we all have done it. if your not in love with your boyfriend you shouldn't be with him you are keeping him from someone eventually who he will end up loving. you say he is a great dad that is fantastic keep him in your sons life. try to stay friends for your son. but don't stay with someone you don't love. if you don't love them. good luck

Answer 10

Please be brave and talk to your boyfriend, otherwise you could just go along with this relationship for ever.
He might also be unhappy, do not forget the most important person in this is your son, he will feel the vibes if you are unhappy.
Just try to be honest to your boyfriend, and i hope you get to sort this all out, even if it is for your son's sake.