Is it possible to love step children as much as biological children?

Question

I am a mother of three young children... 6, 3, and 2. My fiance is the father of my two year old son. My finace tells me that "it is impossible to look into my two daughters eyes like he looks into our sons"... my question - is it impossible? I know that the girls both love him alot but this statement bothers me. Am I blowing this out of porportion?

Answer 1

To me it is possible to love your step-children as much as your own biological children. I think it is a little harder when they are the opposite sex (girls have so much going on with hormones, etc) and sometimes adult males don't relate as easily to young girls. Why not try to encourage a stronger bond with them by getting the girls involved in girl scouts and he would have the opportunity to do dad and daughter type events. You can also suggest dad and daughter days once every month or so, where they go out to lunch and then to see a movie together. And he can have a dad and dude day on the alternate months (and while they are out you get the individual time with each child - for the 6, 3 year olds he could either do it together or separately) The kids would probably really enjoy the individual attention if you can get him to do it individually but either way it would still work. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 2

I have now been married for 20 years. When I met my wife, she already had a baby daughter. When I married my wife, I told her that I would love her daughter as my own. What I didn't know was that was not possible. When my step-daughter was 8, my first biological daughter was born. Even before she was born, I loved her more than the step-daughter, much to my shame. It took me a long time to get over the guilt of not being able to love my step-daughter as much, but I never have and I can't imagine that I ever will.

However, all people are different. Some few people may possess that capacity. Please come to terms with it, and try not to hold your fiance's truthful statement against him. In a way, what he told you was better than what I told my wife-to-be, because he seems to have more insight than I had. Appreciate that.

Answer 3

I have a 7 yr old by a different man and a 2 year old by my fiance. He loves my son but in reality the 2 year old is his child and of course he loves her more...but he treats my son the same as far as rules and spends time with him. I understand your concern and hurt feelings but I do think you are blowing it a little out of proportion. Think about it this way if it was opposite and he had the two daughters and you shared the two year old son would you love your son more or love all three the same way? Just relax and as long as he shows your daughters attention and treats them good, just let this one go.

Answer 4

my step dad made my brother and I feel as if we were equal to the three kids my mom and he had together. Maybe he felt something different towards them but he never let it show. He treated us all equally and loved us the best he could. I thank him for that. These are little girls and Im sure he loves them. Id keep and eye on how he treats them because thats what counts. He may just feel a different bond with his son which many bio dads feel for sons over daughters anyway.

Answer 5

No it is absolutely not impossible and no you are not blowing this out of proportion. He should not be saying that and hopefully he never says it around the girls and don't allow him to treat the son you have together better than the girls. It will really hurt them. It may be a sign of potential problems if he cannot look beyond this.

Answer 6

No you are not blowing it out of proportion.
It is absolutely possible.
They are innocent children and must be loved the same.
I would be worried with a statement like that, it will effect the way he treats and rear the children, showing favouritism to one and not the others.
This is bad news.
As a mother you understand the nurturing that each child must have.
Men however think differently, if it is not mine then it is not mine. it is her problem..
I would consider very carefully any hopes of marriage here, as children need your protection whether they are his or not......
I think a long discussion should be in the works here before you consider a next step with this guy.......

Answer 7

"It is impossible to look into my two daughters eyes like he looks into our sons", a feeling that is something very personal to your fiance. It is natural for him to have special love for his own offspring. Continue loving dearly your other two daughters. With your good example, your fiance might learn. It takes time. You can make the difference!

Answer 8

You may be blowing it out of proportion. Of course it hurts your feelings, and you wonder how someone CAN'T love yours the same way, but I honestly don't think it's possible. But it also may depend on the age. My husband loves my four year old, we got married when she was two, but I know he doesn't feel the same about my 11 year old, and I don't feel the same about his kids, (10 & 15). I love the 10 year old, but not the same way as my own, and I like the 15 year old, but honestly, I haven't formed a bond with him yet.

Answer 9

You can absolutlely love a step child as much as your own child. As a step mother myself I know this to be true. It may take a little longer sometimes for that bond to grow, but come on, these are just children, they all need as much love as they can get! Give your fiance time adn I am sure he will come to see your daughters as his own too!

Answer 10

Yes you are blowing it out of proportion. He loves your daughters but he feels that because his son came from his loins he should love him more. It will take time but eventually he won't feel any different about your daughter's as he does his son. He's just new to being father of girls and women (from birth to death) tend to confuse men.